Sunday, June 17, 2012
I said I would do this, so here it goes. I am forever sabotaging anything good in my life. I want to tell the details, but I am afraid people might read this and then my life could be changed because of it. I made a HUGE mistake on Sat. by sabotaging things at home. I decided that I will tell the people in a private message about this area of my life. The general idea is that when things start going well in my life I get scared and I mess things up. I don't know if it is intentional or a subconscious thing. I just do it. I don't know why. I am partly afraid of failure, partly afraid of success, I know that a part of me believes that I can't do it or handle it, and a HUGE part of me believes that I don't deserve it. I do this with jobs (although I did work for 13 years at my last so called real job), with friendships, relationships, and my diet and exercise. I didn't talk to my best friend for close to a year because I was afraid and ashamed that he would judge me. I was embarrassed at they way my life was turning out. I didn't want him to find out. He cam by my house earlier this week. I decided to tell him what is going on. He told me how skinny I was and congratulated me on that. He listened to me and didn't judge me. He told me about his numerous troubles. I should have known that he was only in a slightly better pace than me. He gave me a hug for the first time. I was floored that we were still close after all this time. I guess that I was sabotaging that relationship by not reaching out to him when he was still wanted to be friends.
ON a positive note, I am beginning to believe that I CAN master my destiny as it relates to diet and exercise. That is a step in the right direction. I am very nervous about my new job. I want to do well, but I am afraid. Pray that I can handle it. I am very weak. Thanks for listening and caring Sparkers. I am off to bed as my medicine is kicking in.