Saturday, June 16, 2012
What a long month or so its been. I'm feeling the need to write this mainly to vent and express myself. Sorry if it doesn't make sense I'm writing as thoughts come to my mind.
November would be my 6 year wedding anniversary. We met 7 years ago this past March. This last month we have decided to divorce. My folks had a very very nasty divorce when I was in 6th grade and I refuse to go through that myself if I can help it. So I'm trying to do this as nicely as possible. We have agreed to remain friends and are even staying in the same house still. The only issue he has been set on and willing to fight on has been that he keep the house so as to avoid a fight I have agreed to move. I think I've found a place but can't move into it til the end of the month. I've asked and begged him to stay with his brother, who lives 1/2 mile away and has 4 spare rooms and has asked him to come stay out there. He keeps promising to stay there but then "changes his mind" and says it with a grin on his face. I really feel like he's doing this deliberately cause he knows it's stressful to have him here with us. Feel like we are all walking on egg shells and avoiding one another when we are here. Note a big difference in my son when husband is here and when he isn't.
We decided to divorce because we are so different and we are making each other unhappy. To people that don't know us extremely well we've told them we are like the PTA mom and the frat boy. For example, if we had the choice of a Saturday evening with my son and his friends or getting drunk with friends he would always chose getting drunk. I did the getting drunk thing when I was younger but stopped when I found out I was pregnant and have just grown out of that. i don't find it fun to lose control of yourself like that.
I believe we could make it work if he would promise to stop drinking but he doesn't think there is a problem. During the winter his drinking isn't too bad but once the weather gets nice and he golfs or spends the evening hanging out with his friends it's like he can not be at either place and not get drunk. And when I say drunk I mean he can still walk and talk but his personality changes. Sometimes he is nice and relaxed but other times he is so nasty and mean. When he's been drunk he has told me (uses the words "you guys" or "you two" to include my son) that we're worthless, lazy, selfish, don't appreciate anything he does for us, that he has to do everything around the house, that I'm such a bitch, that he can't have friends over b/c none of his friends can stand me b/c they all think I'm such a nagging bitch..and on and on and on.....
He's even taken to telling me everything I do is wrong. Shoot I read a quote straight out of his magazine recently while he was driving and he immediately told me "that can't be right. Here let me read it" and tried to grab it from me while he was driving down the interstate. Really??!!! I'm incapable of reading straight out of the magazine to you??
He and my son are not close although they were closer when we were dating. I've encouraged him to invite my son with him or try to get involved in son's interest and his response is that he's not trying anymore. It's all up to my son to do it. Really?! You do understand he is a teenager who is struggling with his own issues but you want him to be the mature one?! He will not miss some of my son's favorite sporting events b/c his favorite college basketball games are on at the same time and he doesn't like son's sport.
To the public he is the fun, friendly guy everyone loves so I know in our small town the talk will be what a witch I am. I know public opinion doesn't matter but no matter how hard I try to not let it, it still hurts some that people will think that. Know the important ones know the truth. Haven't let very many people know about how he treats us when he's drunk.
Moving date could not come fast enough. Now that I know there is an end in sight to the drama and stress I'm ready for it to be here. I know it'll still be stressful as we finalize everything and I get back in the grove of being a single mom but different stress and I will be able to have the peace of being in my own home and able to relax and rebuild my relationship with my son.
July 25 will be 10 years since my Mom died. And May 24th was 10 years since the last time I saw her. Missing her so much more going through this divorce then I did while getting married. Makes sense but still hurts. Miss her every single day!!
Not sure how much exercise I will get in before we move. I was doing great water walking for anywhere from 1 hour to 2.5 hours. Have several days next week I could walk but debating about it. Know it's important to take care of myself but also need to see how husbands mood is and where son is..for some reason I'm really uneasy about leaving them home alone any more; probably being over protective but its how I feel. Also will need to see how packing is going. Leaning towards walking but just limiting my time to maybe an hour each night. I can always kick my time back up once we get moved and settled.
Will be interesting to see what the scale shows Monday. Have had nervous/upset stomach so not very hungry and sometimes it runs right through me; been eating way to much junk and feel the difference.
I could probably sit here and babble the rest of the night but I need to get back to work.
As my mom would say "just look at this as an adventure; make it exciting instead of depressing; look at the upsides"!