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Pink dreams

Friday, June 15, 2012

I was totally engulfed in my couch when I realized what time it was. My youngest was in the other room playing with his daughter who is close in age so I looked at him and said "would you tell the girls it's bed time"

He looked at me and tilted his head to one side, his brown eyes gazing at me.

"just tell them to go to bed" and he left the room. I was content, happy, and found his father like demeanor with the girls rather sexy. I looked down at my toned, olive colored skin and remember thinking how white looked awesome on it.

then I woke up.

I have adored Johnny Depp since before he was a Pirate. I have liked him since way back on "21 Jump Street" and his debut on "Nightmare on Elm Street".

Let's just say he's my fifth member of Duran Duran


I lay there in bed a moment, all the weight of my body crashing back to reality. I took a look at my arms...maybe they would be toned and olive complexed? I sighed as I saw the familiar jiggle of white dotted with a calico of freckles even down to the finger tips. My nails chewed and scraggly, my ring appearing to be cutting off the circulation of a pudgy stout finger.


I slithered out of bed towards the bathroom to complete my morning routine: pee, weight (175), and avoid the mirror like the vampiress I can be before my morning cup of java.

Standing in the kitchen, head on the cabinet, waiting for my first cup to finish brewing (a task that any coffee drinker knows is the longest part of the day) and I think

"aren't good dreams supposed to make one feel GOOD?!"

I closed my eyes and for a fleeting moment saw myself standing there. Tall, slender, long black hair, olive complexion, maybe I have an accent, my white dress flowing about me....sighs Everything I could never be short of switching ethnicity with somebody.

I open them. Coffee just starting to brew.

What was I going to do today? Summer's arrived and the weather's going to break over 100 this week. I looked up long enough to get a good look at my kitchen and for the first time that morning, formed a smile. It is pink. Even now when I should be getting tired of the color, it still makes me smile. I only wish I could carry it to the next house.

I sit down at the computer with my coffee and two creamers and think "what to do what to do". I can't go back to the gym after last week's fart fiasco! I shake my head to clear the thought. I AM that woman. The woman with the wild hair tucked in a ponytail, colored weekly to diffuse it. The jiggly, calico, middle aged, mirror avoiding, gym tootin woman in her pink kitchen sipping her morning coffee wishing she were someone else. Anyone else.

I glance through Spark blogs and smile a little. Plans, goals, fears, frustrations. Everyone pushing forward and towards something. I look at the time. I could've been done with a morning routine....I still can. It's just an hour, or even a half, or as a very good Sparkie friend said "ten minutes a day....just MOVE"

I look at the workout DVDs. Not today...too hot

emoticona walk? a run?

emoticon No way Jose

emoticona swim?

emoticonNo bathing suit

emoticonthen get to the gym and move!!

emoticonAre you nuts?? My body BETRAYED me while running on the treadmill! I know the whole state of California heard it, I just KNOW it and they've all labeled me I feel it. It was bad enough being banned from the dumbbells by fear, but now?? are you NUTS?!

emoticon You are right. Just sit there, in your pink kitchen dreaming another dream that will never happen as long as you do nothing about it. Wait, wait for nothing except to go to bed for another dream. That will solve all your problems. Stay comfortable why don't you? Avoidance is key in this now isn't it?

emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticonthat's what I thought. Your workout clothes are on the dryer. Now, what are we doing today?

emoticon I bet Jillian is a lot nicer than you. I'm taking the girls swimming at the gym. I'm going to run on the treadmill, but if anything happens.....I'll just die I know it.

emoticonIf anything happens you can come back and dye your hair again. Hair color is on the kitchen counter...they'll never recognize you. Just like they will never recognize you in your absolutely gorgeous dress. Are you going to let your daughter keep it, or are you going to fight for it?


I guess I'm going.

I pick up the clothes off the dryer and my mind tries to clear itself from the fog and confetti cluttering it.

I am doing this for me. I won't be that girl in the dream, but I can be a dream girl.

A girl with muscle, tonnage, and definition. A girl running with shorts that finally don't ride and running for fun, not just cuz she has to. Someone who faces her own silly childhood fears of the gym and encourages others there. A girl who colors her hair for fun and wears sexy dresses and heals because she can. A half blind, partially deaf, middle aged girl with fair skin covered in calico freckles down to her fingertips,

that could be sexy, right?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    tks for the chuckles. Keep smilin' and lookin' for the humor and you will be just fine!
    2074 days ago
    I think you are more self conscious about the gym incident. (I get it though) but honestly I go to the gym and I know some people toot. It's ok, it is what it is. We move on. I know a lady who walked out of a class because of this and never came back. I was sorry she did. I don't think anyone really knew where it came from.

    I say go in there like Scarlett O'Hara...attitude emoticon
    2075 days ago
    You are too much!! It happens - Right?? I just get up and put one foot forward everyday!! That is what works for me!! Today is a new day!! Yes u r sexy!! Hugs, Moni
    2078 days ago
    Absolutely right!

    You are also neither the first nor the last to have an embarrassing moment. (Just try a search on how to avoid that particular issue at the gym, and you'll quickly see just how many people this has affected and how many ideas there are on preventing recurrences.)
    2078 days ago
    Oh, I feel for ya'. But you aren't "that girl"- You're much funnier, and I'm sure far braver. As for the gas passing- go stand around by the protien bulking muscle bound boys lifting weights and have a listen- trust me, when they lift 250 some of them are toootin it up. Next time just smile and point to the person next to you. Besides, gas is natural, and holding it in isn't good for you.

    2078 days ago
    thank you and I know this everyone...

    I guess I wanted everyone else to feel it too and know that none of us are alone in how we feel.

    at least, gosh, I hope not!!

    2078 days ago
    Yeah!!! Go for it! I've had several 'mishaps' at the gym...the worst being falling off the back of a treadmill lol. Got back on as if nothing happened...turned my ipod up even higher and jammed until the pain passed. And I'm sure it won't be the last time I embarrass myself! Whatever!!!

    have a great weekend!
    2078 days ago
    You are that girl...the sexy one with freckles all the way to her finger tips! We all have moments of doubt and your here getting them out. We are doing the honey and the only ones that can stop us is ourselves. STOP avoiding the mirror and go find something...anything on your beautiful body to love.
    As for the fart...please you are not the first person to do it....and not the last person. Don't let anything stop you
    2078 days ago
    You can do it! Gyms are so loud, probably no one heard. And if they did, they will forget after a while. One time I fell off an elliptical (I don't know how) and hopped right back on. Used the embarrassment as motivation to go faster. Good luck!
    2079 days ago
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