Marking the End of a Rough Year -- Still Standing, But Not Unscathed
Thursday, June 14, 2012
One year ago today, I received a phone call that changed my life forever. I learned that my beloved Dad had suffered a heart attack doing what he did every morning -- put out the flag after having his coffee. No one called me until after he had been taken by ambulance to the city hospital over an hour away, and was on the table having open heart surgery. By the time I was called, my sister and I barely had time to catch the last flight out of DC home. When we had to turn off our cell phones, Dad was still in surgery. We didn't know if we'd still have a Dad when the plane touched down.
As it happened, the surgery went on for a couple of hours after we finally got to the hospital. It was right about now that the surgeon finally came out and explained that Dad had been given too much anticoagulant by our hometown hospital, and he'd had an extraordinarily hard time getting the bleeding stopped. He didn't think Dad would make it through the night.
But Dad did. And I remember being so hopeful that that was the worst of it. There was the moment a week later when he finally came off the respirator -- and the first thing he did as soon as he caught his breath was sing Happy Birthday to me. (As he had done on every birthday I could remember.) Best birthday present ever!
But soon after came the setbacks. Mixed with triumphs here and there, to be sure -- but ultimately, a hospital-acquired infection got him, and after a brutal struggle to the end, we lost him on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.
Since then, my own health has been seriously compromised, and I've had to try to manage severe chronic pain, loss of function in my limbs, and just plain exhaustion while trying to keep up with the worst log-jam of work I've ever experienced (it's not even all the way through June and I've already nearly hit my billable target for the entire year. Seriously.) And I'm sure I could have passed some of it off to someone else if I'd tried -- but then I would have been stuck with my thoughts. And my grief. And I'm not sure I'm quite ready to process all of it.
Next Thursday, I turn 40, and for the first time, Dad won't be there to sing me Happy Birthday. He won't tell me again about the horrible rainstorm they had to get through to get Mom to the hospital the night I was born. And he won't tell me how ungodly loudly I cried in the hospital nursery (apparrently I was quite something), or how I kept them up for months with my screaming until they figured out I had a horrible ear infection.
But I do have the life he gave me. And I hope I lived up to the strength that he showed last year, and every day of his life. I hope that someday I learn to accept adversity with the grace that he did -- for while I am strong, I am not quite the genial and kind person he was.
I hope he is proud of the things I've accomplished, and that he thinks I've done well with the gifts he gave. I am proud that I managed to stick to my health goals this year, even with all the curve balls thrown my way. Maybe it's because I've seen how important health is, and how quickly it can slip through your fingers. Or maybe it was one of the very few things in my control this year. I am about 18 pounds lighter than I was on this date last year, and have maintained a loss of 111 overall since December, so feeling cautiously optimistic that I can keep it up over the long haul -- although that remains to be seen.
So, a new year begins. A little wiser, I hope -- definitely a lot sadder. Next year I welcome a new decade of my life. Here's hoping I make the most of it.
To end on a happy note, though -- two weeks from tomorrow, I celebrate 15 years of marriage to my wonderful husband. Things have been, honestly, tough in our marriage for the last year or so. Given the situation with Dad, my health issues, my near-constant absence due to work and family crises, loss of his job, and (to top it all off) our infertility isssues, that's not so much a surprise. But we've committed to working things out -- we still love each other, and he's still my best friend. So planning to make our marriage a top priority again this year -- starting with a much-needed vacation together! Looking forward to that, and making sure that the best is truly yet to come. Wish me luck!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Boy have you been through a lot. You have been through the worst of it though. Pain like this tends to be worse at the beginning and then over time it gradually eases.
Focus on your fantastic achievements under such adversity and set things for the future.
Reading everything you have done is most inspiring and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is anything I may be in a position to help out with.
1074 days ago
Thank you. This touched me. It may not look like it to you, but this story has a hint of rainbow at the end of the storm. There are so many things about life we can't control.....and bad things do happen to good people. Thanks for not giving up, while still being honest about the crappy things in life. You're an inspiration.
1216 days ago
Congratulations on a job well done. You look fantastic. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad....I can't even imagine losing mine and yet I know it can happen at any time. I have terrible chronic pain also....and yet you keep working and supporting your household. You are truly a motivator. God bless you in your efforts to remain healthy
1225 days ago
(Thanks for replying to my nutrition topic. You are inspiring!)
Shortly after I lost my youngest sister to a car accident almost 11 years ago, I came upon this beautiful poem written for England's Queen Mother's funeral:
You can shed tears that they are gone, or you can smile because they have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all they have left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember them and only that they're gone, or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry, close your mind, be empty, turn your back; or you can do what they'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.
1274 days ago
Wishing you strength to face the grief when you are ready. It's been 8 years and 6 months Thursday since my dad passed and now he's with me all the time, but in the beginning it was painful to think of any memory.
1448 days ago
Comment edited on: 8/6/2012 12:09:14 AM
I'm a little choked up, I feel like crying and still smiling too. You have been through a lot but it sounds like you have what it takes to make it due to a good foundation. I can't say I understand, you have to have a dad to lose one, mine has been absent for so long. So I can say this, cherish your memories, let them make you smile and carry you through, he was a blessing to your life and he's still there in you. Take care of yourself, don't work too hard, life is short you have to live it!
1475 days ago
I am so sorry to hear of your loss last year however it seems you have a great attitude on living the life your dad helped to give you. It was very touching. I am also sorry to hear of your health troubles and I wish you the best of luck feeling as best as you can. Also congrats on maintaining the weight loss. You are a true inspiration. I have only lost 43lbs but at the end I hope to lose basically 100lbs. Thank you for someone to look up to.
1491 days ago
I'm glad you have a good attitude. Life gets tough when dealing with family illness. It is amazing how stress from that can get us sick! Glad you are looking forward!
1500 days ago
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