Thursday, June 14, 2012
I have been in a pretty pathetic cycle lately: feel bad about my weight/body, eat crap, anxiety about eating crap, feel bad about my body, eat crap. Repeat. For 30+ years.
See the cute girl in my profile pic on here? She is hiding out. There is not much glow to my skin or eyes. I no longer entertain any thoughts of my potential attractiveness and a 'come hither' to the camera is far out of my range. In fact at my Zumba master class last week (2 hours of sweaty fun!) the super-hot instructor who was dancin' up on me threw me so off. I mean, why would a man be dancing with me EVER!? (cue 8th grade dances). I told him I couldn't see the instructor and he boogied off.
One of the greatest fears I've had ever since starting Spark is to be completely honest and authentic on this journey. When I was not doing well, I simply went away. I didn't blog, didnt log in, and didn't have to look at myself for what was truly going on. I've shared my fitness calendar publicly since day 1. I am PROUD of my fitness minutes. I have kicked a lot of butt and sweated lots of minutes. In the last year, I've run, been injured, learned to shake my booty and punch out a bag. The support and kudos yall provide about my fitness is the BEST.
Sharing my food journal, now that is one I'm not quite so honest about. For one, there is the binging and purging to consider. Since this has always been a source of shame, embarassment and fear in my life, I sure don't want anyone else to know what I'm purging. And since binging has also been a source of shame, embarassment and fear, I don't want anyone to know what that looks like either.
Well, recently I was asked to be a food-journal buddy. Gulp. In response to my 'asking for help' blog, someone asked ME for help. And helping others is one of the great joys in my life. So I am thrilled to do it. But making my food journal public scares the crap out of me.
Which is exactly why I'm doing it. To hold myself accountable by knowing that others will witness (virtually at least) my pasta binge, will cheer on my positive choices, and brainstorm how to ride the line of moderation (see: housewarming party 6/16, featuring beer, brats and cupcakes). Others will know how much I blow my calorie allowance, and how hard I try to stay within it. My fruit smoothies may become legend, or maybe correction. And although the fear and anxiety and shame are strong right now, I know that just like with my fitness log, sharing my food log will eventually be the best thing for me. By shining a light on my food log, I hope to bring more light into my light, and blind out the fear.