Alot of you will realise it is fathers day on Sunday and this year i am struggling to face and deal with all the cards and the rest of the hype that goes with it. It's a different struggle from the one i had when my mother died... because it was a release for her...and for me in many ways...but Dad is not dead....just not talking ......and if he does he tries to destroy me...
And so to try and deal with it before it turns into a massive wobble i decided to try and write to him , and put in a letter what i couldnt say to him and probably now never well.
When we were growing up, you were always my super hero and my role model..i was a typical daddy's girl and i wanted , and needed, more than anything to make you proud of me.
Trouble is , you worked hard...(not a bad thing , but i missed you,) and when you wernt at work you were always busy doing things for other people... i craved love...and your hugs..i needed you. Work came first....i didnt have a good relationship with mum... she couldnt say she loved me..i used to ache to be your little girl and make you proud... but it came with a cost.. Did you realise...? Did you see? No i guess not.. cos you were busy.
The abuse that had to be kept quiet, *never tell your father* from my mother... and if you do i will tell him you made it up and he wont love you.........the slaps and the shoves around.. the emotional bullying....did you see it..and keep quiet , or was i just not worth the bother.
And so i grew up... first of all suffering from binge eating and making myself ill and then when i had left home and all the way through a patch of dodgy relationships building a wall of fat to hide behind.. and the self harm.
The relationship with the children's father... of him abusing myself and them...the vow to never let anyone hurt them again..and still more food to hide behind... the self harm and the cutting... the feeling of loathing and hating ones self....oh and i never blamed you... i was old enough btw to make choices.. and i did ~the wrong ones..
The meeting of Kenzie.. both of us supporting you through chemo and heart surgery on that triple bypass.. the selfishness of the way mother behaved, threatening to kill herself unless i went over even though i was ill... the lashing out both verbal and physical... and i was an adult then. Supporting you through the funeral when she died and helping you with oh so many things to long to list.. and i would do them all again because you were my dad.
Then Kenzie being ill and leaving (briefly) because he thought that i would be better off without having to care for him..... You getting angry cos i understood and went after him... and saying you would never be there where he was again, Me choosing to support the man i am engaged to... the man i love and choosing to support him... the fact that it then turns out that you had lied to me.. that you hadnt given up smoking, and i found out.. the fact that you had to be rude to Kenzie and the rest of my family...i could have taken it from you to me..........but not for them......i have had my whole life disabilities to deal with Dad..i love that man you hate so much..and why do you not like him... because he had a breakdown when he got ill. Saying sorry makes it a chance to forgive.. and move on..not keep pouring out faults and failures... i understand bipolar, and diabetes and high blood pressure because i learnt about them to help him...
i heard what you said about driving my family away.....i still have three children that love me.. and a partner that does , and even now despite all the pain you put me through i love you as well. BECAUSE you are my Dad. i dont talk to you so much because i dont want the memories of the dad i loved as a child to be destroyed by the hate that you have held in your heart for so long. i survived the abuse and the pain i have been through... i CAN and AM losing weight now... and i now know what it is to be loved unconditionally.