Not so sure...
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Reflecting on my goals and intentions and trying to balance commitment and failures of perfectionism. Pondering, Okay I am somewhat noncommittal for fear of failure. I am realizing that I have perfectionist tendencies because if I don't think I can really do it then maybe I shouldn't do it at all. Hence - diet and exercise - all or nothing. Exercise like hell and binge eat! That's what I've done this last 3 months. Committed to regular exercise but ate way too much. Now I want to exercise even harder when the eating is the real problem. Huh! Hum!
If I recognize the problem, why can't I resolve it?
My goal this summer was to conquer the INSANITY DVDs. But today I do not think that is realistic. Not because I couldn't if I really worked at it but WHY? I keep going through cycles of feelings of having to prove something to myself. The workout is beyond my age, fitness/weight level, no one on that DVD looks like me and in my stage of life I will not ever look like them! I want to use common sense without copping out. .!?!?! Okay, I give myself permission to continue Insanity DVDs to change up my routine, get ideas, make modifications ... Is that an open-ended cop out? No....just keep exercising for health.
Eating?!?! I have got to be real. If I want to lose weight I will have to curb cals. 1500 just does not seem to be enough to keep me satisfied most days. So some days I will have to have 1700 and other less. I have to find a sweet spot and stop the bingeing and emotional addiction. I am a smart woman, so why do I keep doing this. MANAGEMENT of an addiction because there is no cure. Get a grip. I do so good for a while. That's how I lost 40 pounds in 6-7 months. I gained 15 lbs in 5 months.
25 years ago I followed Susan Powter's - Stop the Insanity and today I am trying to follow Sean T 's Insanity. No come on...what the hell?
I know it all, have done it all, read about all of it, hear from other Sparkers....but I still just have not gotten it. It's coming though. Not quitting!
I have a strong faith in God. I do the same yo-yo thing with that part of my life. I know it is not a wise choice. I do believe that God is pruning me for the better and the devil keeps trying to deceive me. I have used the spiritual approach for this weight and food addiction problem. Just like all else I'm good for a while then crash and burn.
I know a lot. It still have a lot to learn.
Change the the things you can and accept the things you cannot.
I will do this one day at a time. It's the only thing I can do.
Being honest but positive today.