*hangs head in shame*

I was all gung ho early summer of 2011. I was going on a vacation for the first time in 11 years and I wanted to look better than I did. No way was I going to wear a bathing suit looking the way I did!!

Enter sparkpeople and my trip down the "unhealthy, no way in hell am I sticking to this plan". It worked. I'm not going to lie. I saw results within 2 weeks and I was thrilled. I put on a bathing suit and I didn't feel dread or disgust.

Came back from vacation and I tried to stick to it. However, I made excuses and went back to my old ways. I gained back all of the weight and I didn't care.

Well, I did care. I was depressed. Going through some really tough times with my husband. Everything seemed to be spiraling out of control.

Dec 2011 proved to be the worst month of my life. A lot of personal issues (non health related) popped up and I lost myself. I lost my will to live to and seriously contemplated suicide.

By February the panic attacks started and I was on my way to a nervous breakdown. I could see it coming, like an oncoming train. I was trying to get out of the way, stop the train, something, ANYTHING to not end up hospitalized.

By the end of April I started to feel better. Imagine going through your daily life, taking care of your children, going to work, cleaning the house, making dinner, folding laundry, driving to work, to school, home-all of it, on auto pilot? I look back and I still don't know how I did it.

I started to wake up. My life was literally slipping out of my hands and unless I did something about it, I would look back a year from now and not know what the hell had happened.

I fixed myself mentally (a daily job, I kid you not). Anti depressants for about 2 weeks, deep breathing exercises and an amazing support system helped me to find my footing again. Ah, there I am!! I missed ME!

Once I was happy with who I am as a person (and I'm pretty awesome damnit!), I took a look in the mirror. Hmm. Not bad, but not good enough. I had no idea how much I weighed. I still don't. I haven't weighed myself since August of 2011. The number on the scale means nothing to me. I want to be happy with my body. I want to take off my clothes and not point out all of my flaws. I want to know that the food I put in my mouth is the best that I can possibly put in there. It's not going to do any damage and I'm not going to regret it 30 seconds after I eat it.

I've completely changed my lifestyle. I look at all of the things I used to buy at the grocery store, the fast food I looked forward to eating on the weekends, the ice cream/cookies/cakes I ate for dessert every single night and I cringe now. Why the hell was I doing that to myself?!?!


My changes are not mine alone. My husband and children are eating healthier than they ever have. Keep in mind, I do buy cookies and the occasional ice cream. I don't eat them because I've found substitutes that I am more than happy with. But I wanted to teach my children that it's okay to have a "treat" every once in a while. Everything in moderation.

So, here's me before December 2011:





If this isn't a wake up call, I don't know what is!


How on Earth is this ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

Here I am now:


Keep in mind, I NEVER took a picture completely facing the camera because I was so wide. But look at me now!!



It was early Sunday morning right before my workout. You can see that my eyes aren't completely open.


New hairstyle to celebrate the new me!



So, what have been the changes?

Only healthy meals. No ifs, ands or buts. Not as hard as I thought it would be. It's challenging and I love it!! Fruits and vegetables are a part of every meal/snack. Kids love it, I love it and surprisingly enough so does my husband.

Exercise even if I don't want to. Walking, Jillian Michaels DVD and *gasp* dare I say it? Jogging?!?! Trust me, with my crazy schedule, there are plenty of days that I don't want to. When I really REALLY don't want to? I do 10 minutes of something, anything, whatever I think will be "fun" (exercise=fun, who knew?)

R.I.P. 38DDs. Hello 36Cs! Very upsetting, more so for my husband. The way I see it, I don't want to be toppling over because of my breasts. My new breasts match my new body. I will mention that I made a deal with my breasts. If I stay a C I'll only wear really pretty bras. If I go down to a B cup, I'm confining them to sports bras!

I came back to spark knowing it worked before. Being accountable and setting mini goals/rewards is so important. I spent so many years being unkind to my body.

"I'd like a Big Mac with fries and a 20 piece chicken nugget and...hmm...oh screw it, throw in a large vanilla shake too!"

I think of that meal and I want to cry. I was killing myself with food. It was clogging my arteries, filling me with fat, cholesterol, and depression. I have one body. That's it. If I don't take care of it now, it's not going to last as long as I want it to.

I WANT fruits. I WANT vegetables. I want to know that everything I put in my mouth is going to help me and give me the fuel I need for my workouts.

I wanted to take a moment and congratulate myself. I deserve praise. I deserve positive reinforcement. I deserve to have the body I want. I deserve to push my body into more strenuous workouts. This new me? She rocks. She's pretty bad ass. She's got the willpower and determination she never had before.

She's here to stay!!!