So I made a post on FB asking for friends who need to lose weight to join SparkPeople and hold me accountable. I had a few friends that said they were interested, and I am excited, but I know SP works. It's not about some meal plan you have to buy, or some service you have to pay out big bucks to subscribe to. It's all about you. The key is that you have to WANT to do it. I have lost 50 pounds before, and then I had Jonah....need to get back on the wagon, so to speak. I have gained it all back and then some. :/ But, no more!!!! I did it with SP before, and I will do it again. I think I want it now more than ever. to be honest. It's like something just snapped, and THAT is what will motivate someone to do it for real. It's what puts it past wishful thinking of fad diets and new years resolutions. I am not perfect. I fail on a daily basis, in all aspects of my life. But as a Christian, I know that forgiveness is key. I can forgive myself when I screw up too. Get back up, and start again. That's what matters.

One thing that I have seen and been thinking about a lot recently is that being overweight, at least for me, is a daily battle with an addiction. It IS a real addiction. And fighting it off is very very hard. In some sense, it can be harder to fight off perhaps than other addictions, because you can never completely get clean from it. For the rest of my life, I will still have to eat. It is just those choices have to get better. I think for me, it's kind of complex, because I eat for a lot of different reasons. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I love food. I love to cook, and I was raised on southern, comfort foods. Those are the things I like to cook. Like fried chicken strips, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, grilled hamburgers, steak, pork chops, etc. I am also a bread lover. I love baking bread, I love eating bread.

At this point, I know I am not willing to give those things up. Not totally. I would be kidding myself if I thought I could go cold turkey. But, alas, I DO have a plan! I have been overeating for a very long time. That's how I was raised. Have 2nds. I can hear my sweet grandparents now "Did you get enough to eat, Darlin?" My Mamaw is THE best cook in the world, hands down. I'm pretty sure Paula Dean has my Mamaw on speed dial. Pretty much all my childhood memories involved food and family. Fattening, Buttery "goodness" that is just the best thing you've ever put in your mouth. I am being smart about this. At this point, I know if were to just stop, and start eating a bunch of things I hated, it wouldn't last long. I kind of tricked myself last time, and it actually really worked. I will do the same thing this time, only better.

I am not going to stop eating the things I love. I am just going to pray pray pray, and exercise restraint and self control. Instead of having 1 bag of chocolates ( I kid you not, sadly) I will have 1 or two. Instead of having a ginormous bowl of icecream, I will have one spoonful. Instead of having half a loaf of ciabatta bread that I just made, I will have one slice. Tonight for dinner, I had just 1 normal size bowl of chicken and dumplings, instead of 2 or 3 larger bowls and eating to the point of feeling sick. Honestly, I don't know why I ever did that. I am going to work on modifying recipes over time, not stressing to do it all at once.

To be honest, I don't (or didn't) spend all that much time exercising. I am not athletic or outdoorsy. I don't like sports. AT ALL. It's work for me, and after taking care of 3 kids, I don't much feel like exercising to be honest. But last week, I took the kids and we walked to the park and then played for about an hour, then walked home. This morning, we walked for 30 minutes. Tomorrow, I *might* try to walk early in the AM. I say might meaning I know my limits. I have been deep cleaning the house for the last 2 hours, and I'm up finishing laundry and it's already 11:30, so I am not going to feel guilty if I want to sleep. Plus my daughter is having friends over tomorrow, so I have much to do to get ready for her little tea party.

Anyways, I am going to try to get a walk in 3-4 times a week. That was a big step for me last time. I joined a gym, and that was good, but that's not possible at this point. We can't afford it, I honestly don't have time with Hubs working 2 jobs and me not having a vehicle, and really, I can work out on my own time at home or walking around the block. It was cool this morning and we got in a nice walk before it rained. I was proud of myself. Just the fact that I actually did it, instead of "thinking about doing it" is a good place to start for me.

I am at the place right now where I feel like anything is better than what I have been doing, which is nothing. And the more I push, then more results I will see. I am embarrassed to say, I have nearly run out of clothes which I can comfortably wear. My stupid 1 pair of jeans have shrunk (yes really, I only own one pair and they have that lycra crap in them, HATE that stuff), and so now I am down to various pairs of exercise pants, cutoff sweatpants that used to belong to some giant man, and my husbands cotton shorts. There is NO excuse for this. But I figure, if I am being honest, and putting it all out there, I might as well be totally honest. Maybe my own embarrassment will serve as a motivator. :D

So, all those things, I feel like are why I am going to be better than ever. If anything has changed/improved it would be my attitude and my outlook. I know I can overcome anything with Christ. I know he made me and he gave me the gift of life, so I need to start taking care of my body, and being a better example for my kids. This time, it will be better than ever!!!