Monday, June 11, 2012
Ok, I give in...I own it. Yes, that's right. I've gained back almost 50 lbs of the 75lbs that I lost last year. I could make excuses, but the fact is... there is not one excuse for it. It's simple. I made bad food choices, lacked the exercise, and somehow lost my strength to move forward. I've felt down on myself, cried about it, became angry, and gave into my cravings. I forgot how much I'm worth, watched myself gain and didn't take control, was angry at myself, and didn't say NO when given a choice. It is totally ME who allowed this to happen and will be only ME who can correct it.
I have looked back at my old pictures and wished I could turn the clock back. I have slowly slipped out of my size 22's to squeeze into 26's again. I remember how energetic I became, I remember how wonderful I was beginning to feel, but in reality, I have forgotten how wonderful it felt to DO SOMETHING about it. I could sit here and write pages of feelings, but they are all feelings that I've felt in the past. I've lost weight prior to this weight loss and have put it back on again...many times. I could sit back and say, "It's happening once again!", but I'm not going to let it slip on by so fast.
I've still got 26 lbs off and I need to embrace that. I'm not where I started, but I am at a starting over point. Change takes time and I think that each day that passed, I was continuing to wonder how long it would take to feel so eager to take this weight off, like I had at the beginning of this spark journey. Fact is, I'm not who I was then... I'm who I am now. That part of my journey changed me. It allowed me to realize that I have a self worth. I know that I can make remarkable changes and I know that the weight can return if I let it. I have all the tools to turn this around. I hate that I have to take off what I worked so hard to take off already, but it can happen again and that is the truth!
I don't have to read up on "what works for others", because I know what works for me. Tracking did indeed help me stay on track each day, but exercise kept me eager to see results. Healthy choices... and move move move! That worked for me. Having the strength to choose to have something healthy, instead of what put this weight back on. Using my knowledge to empower good choices, instead of ignoring the voice that says, "you shouldn't!"
I watched "The Biggest Loser" today and tears began to fall. I watched these amazing people work so hard and the results were similar to mine. I remembered being just as proud, feeling just as strong, looking just as beautiful, and it was all because of ME. It made me want to feel that again! I miss the old me. The me today doesn't even want to spend time out in the community or with friends, because I feel that I look awful. I think people must be like, "Wow, Amy put alot of weight back on...jeez!" Although, did I ever do this for any of them or any one else for that matter? NO! I did it for ME!
...and I'll do it again! WATCH ME!!!!!