Sunday, June 10, 2012
One of the tasks this week on my Harry Potter team is:
Post a blog about something you've been hiding from yourself/lying to yourself about...anything from amounts of calories you're actually consuming to whether you should be sneaking that soda you said you'd given up.
So I saved this task for the last day of the week because I was avoiding thinking about it, but I have no choice ow.
After much deliberation I have determined that the biggest thing I am hiding from myself is THIS: I don't trust myself to have really changed.
I have been more or less this weight for 2 years which is HUGE...the longest I have ever maintained after a loss. But there are little ways I tell myself I don't trust me...the few larger pieces of clothing I refuse to part with (although most of it is gone), my refusal to re-size my wedding rings even though they have been on the wrong finger for 2 years and are practically falling off of THAT one, the way I still occasionally feel like I'll never be good enough. I still don't have a license...I say it's because I am scared to drive and because I am a city girl who prefers walking/public transport. To an extent, that's true, but really? I don't need an excuse to be lazy because if I had my license I'm afraid I'd take the easy way out every time.
And I realized a big part of this truth the other day. My youngest is starting school next year and I have to go back to work, at least part time, after being a stay at home mom for almost 6 years. I am TERRIFIED. I thought it was for the obvious reason - it's a big change, I will miss it, etc...but the truth is I am afraid of what it will mean for my body - I won't be able to getting nearly as much physical activity as presently, I will have less time and money to make healthier choices. I will have to put more effort in to this lifestyle and I am scared that when it's not as easy anymore that I will end up right back where I started.
So there you have it - the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
I think my desire to stay healthy will override any backtracking, but only time will tell.