Saturday, June 09, 2012
change quickly when the doctor tells you "the cancer you have is uterine carcinosarcoma - it is unique, rare, and extremely aggressive." I only had three days to digest that information before I had a total hysterectomy. My poor family and friends have been freaking out. The prognosis is good - it looks like all of the cancer was contained inside the uterus, there were no cancer cells in the lymph nodes, and nothing else was effected. That being said, it is a nasty bad type of cancer with a 15% 5 year survival rate. So... after we all get back from the Great GrandKid's Adventure to Disneyworld And Beyond next month I get to have a port installed in my chest so they can pump my body full of toxic chemicals. It's the radiation that I'm mostly afraid of though. I don't want to be sickly. I don't want to suffer lifelong side effects from the treatments just because I "could" still have cancer cells inside my body. I want my mommy ! *sigh*
I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving my family. My 70 yr old husband and I are raising 2 of our grandchildren and the boy is severely developmentally delayed (he doesn't talk and he's not potty trained - he's 8). I have to find a residential program for him. And it will break his heart.
Yeah, I'm a control freak (I'm a Mainframe Systems Programmer - the ultimate control freak) and letting the people I love know how upset I am about all this is just not something I'm able to do. I'm the rock! I can get through anything! I am a prayer warrior and God loves me best!
...and I think this may be the monster that defeats me. I don't expect anyone to come to my rescue, as it were, I just needed a place to yell this all out before I explode.
Oh, and I'm finally losing weight again :-) I'm below 300 which I haven't seen in 15 years. Cool.