Saturday, June 09, 2012
Okay I realized a few things this early morning and I am going to share them with you lucky people.
I stepped on the scale for the first time in 5 months. Yes it has been that long. I always had an excuse for not doing it but I was just lying to myself. The scale tells the truth and the truth is I have gained 6 pounds. Yup I have gained a pound a month. I am only 12 pounds below where I started this whole sparks journey.
You may be asking how could such a gal who has it so all put together come to such a crossroads? Because I have been lying to myself.
Line # 1
I don't need to exercise as much any more. I am running now and that is burning up tons of calories so off days I can sit on my butt. Reality is I run like twice a week for less than 2 miles at a pace that no one would call blistering. In fact when I ran past a group of young kids I heard one say to his friend is she running or walking?
I can eat more treats because I am working out so much harder. Reality is I can not eat a donut or a pastry for breakfast everyday. I can not eat "power bars" every day for snack when they have more calories and sugar than most candy bars. My work outs often don't even leave me sweaty. I am burning zilch for calories.
I can spend less time on Sparks and still stay motivated. Reality using my computer time to play facebook games is making my butt much bigger. I have lost my motiviation. I put it somewhere with my pride in acomplishing new physical challenges. My healthy outlook and postive outlook is probably in the same place. I better check under the bed. That is where I usually throw things I don't know what to do with.
I just spent the morning reviewing some old blogs. Some I had even forgotten I had written. I had some good advice and really need to listen to it. I have let life, family and friends push me around some and it is time I pushed back. I can't believe I haven't written a blog in over a year. Man some of my old ones left me laughing out loud. I guess my sense of humour is hiding under the bed too.
What can I do? Well first and foremost I am getting off the guilt train. Yup I screwed up in the last few months. Yup that was a tough number to see this morning. However numbers go down as well as up and it is time I remember that. It is time to remember I am funny and creative. At my work they think I am weird because of all the (what they think are) odd things I know. What can I say. I have a 4 year liberal arts degree so I know lots of things that are only useful if you play lots of trivia. ( Not saying a liberal arts degree is bad but if you do what I did and don't focus on any one area it pretty much is useless.) I also read alot. I always have and will until my eyes drop out of my head. Fiction, biographies, weird books on odd moments in history or odd facts about famous people I have done them all. And I need to stop apologizing for that fact. I have a coworker who is amazed I read more than one book a month. Really I can't believe you can only read one. Never read a biography on Henry the 8th? What is wrong with you? You don't know what the Volstad Act is? Did you grow up in a cave?
I need to remember my own words that I reaquantied myself with this morning.
Beating yourself up doesn't count as cardio. And I am a freight train. ( to explain that last one you have to read the blog. it will take too long here) I have a ton of great qualities and if the friends I have can't see them or look past my bad ones then I need to move on. My biggest fault is I can be very negative and I have one friend who points that out constantly. I now no longer call her to share any news because I am sure to hear in every conversation "you are being so negative. I want to hear something positive now." My response is (at least in my head) okay I am postive you are being an a***hole right now. Do people think I am that unaware that I don't realize I am a debbie downer? Do they think pointing it out ALL THE TIME will help?
I need to remember I am worth fighting for. Fighting the daily battle of good food choices and exercising even when I don't want to. I am worthy of supportive friends and family. I am worthy of having my qualties good and bad on display to the world. I am worth being who I am.