Embarrassment. Shame. Disgust. Great way to start out right? I have a few Race Reports that I need to publish, but I need to do this one first. Before I start thinking about turning things around, I need to sort out where I am. A slump doesn’t describe it. A Funk isn’t strong enough of a word. Trapped. Trapped in my own mind. My own emotions. Trapped. Imprisoned. That may be more accurate. Crushed by the bars of my self made cage. Dramatic? Maybe, but perception is, unfortunately reality and I have been giving it a pretty half a$$ed effort to break through. Maybe it is easier to hide in this cage than it is to face what is in front of my face, but while I talk a good game, my actions when no one is looking tell another story. A story of trying to hide. A story I have told before, time and time again. Rather than face the things I am afraid of I would rather hide. I bury my face, my fear, my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, in whatever I food I can find. If I stuff enough of it down my throat, it will push down those things I don’t want to admit. Those things I am not ready to face. In the dark recesses of my mind are the questions that linger. Thoughts that poison. The ones that hold me down and try to keep me from breaking free. “Who do you think you are? You aren’t strong enough to do this.” Yes. You are. “Look what you have done. You’ve gained it back. Why bother in trying?” Try again. “What makes you think this won’t be an Epic Fail like everything else?” Believe you can. “What’s one or two more cookies? They taste good” They aren’t going to make you feel better. “Remember how broken you were when your Grandpa died? It will be 1000 times worse when it’s your Mom. What will you do then?” But she’s here now. “What have you ever been good at?” Look at the people you inspire. “Do you think this is going to last forever?” One day at a time. "You aren’t good enough." That’s a lie.
Maybe it is because I am standing on the verge of the unknown. Maybe it’s because I am having a harder time dealing with my Mom’s cancer than I thought. It’s easy to be strong when everything is sunshine and roses, but when the storms come, it shows my true colors. Why can I not see that my colors aren’t the black and gray clouds that I think they are? Your strength shines like the sun. So I fight. I am fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting those thoughts that hold me down. I am trying to listen to the quieter voice that tells me “Tomorrow we will try again.” It’s so soft I can barely hear it over the screaming, blaring screeches of my Negative Talk, I am learning to listen to the right voice. Some days it is harder than others. Turns out that poison knows how to make your brain focus on the loudest sound, and that is what I have been doing. It has been extending its reach into everything I will let it. Lately, in my hopeless, complacent state, that reach is pretty far.
It seems that every time a make some strides forward I am met with something else that pushes me back again. Some days it is fighting a losing battle and those are the days, in my weakest, most frightened moments, that I listen to the Voice that tells me to "just give up." Hold on a little tighter "Its not worth the fight.: Yes, it is and you KNOW it. " I’M TIRED." You’re strong.”I’m emotionally drained." Dig Deeper. Its there. "You're failing." Ask for help. They will pick you back up. "I just want to cry." That’s ok, too.
There is always a flip side. A ying to the yang. A light for the Dark. An answer to the question. Hope for the hopelessness. If you just listen a little harder to that quiet voice. The one that tells you to keep going.
I am turning things around. I am. I have a schedule and routine and a great support system who have been cheering me on and picking me up. Its not an easy task. My head is in a better place. Well, like 80% of the time, my head is in a better place. I am a fighter and I have come too far and have too many things coming up to give in to this now. Writing it down. Letting it show, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my fears…its one more way for me to fight back. I can’t hide from them when here they are in black and white. Staring me in the face. It’s also a process to know where I am and where it is that I need to go. I reached a point in my life that I had never been before. That is a very scary thing. And I admit that I tried to escape from it. I didn’t know how to move forward, I let myself go backwards. I think under everything else, that is the base of this issue. I didn’t know HOW to proceed. I was expecting the same things to work for me at 100+ pounds lost as worked for me when I was almost 300 pounds. Insanity. It is not going to work. I have a more efficient, athletic body that requires more than the same in order to move forward. My future posts will reflect HOW I plan on moving forward, and my journey in challenging myself beyond what I ever thought I would do, but for now, I leave you with this: