Friday, June 08, 2012
Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is something that I have suffered from since I was a child. I bounced back often, and it took me a long time to disassociate myself from many of my triggers (one being a former friend as well).
I have been binge free in general since I met my fiance (a year), however, it wasn't until recently that I embarked on healthy eating again. I cut out all of the junk food, but decided on a balanced plan that allowed me to indulge "sometimes" when I really wanted too.
Well, today was our anniversary so I felt like indulging. My goal was a plan that let me have days, occasionally, where I let myself have cake, fries, or whatever it is that I had wanted. I wanted a naturally thin life, one where I wasn't afraid of trying the foods that I loved. I have lost 10 pounds so far, and have ate healthy the entire time. Yesterday was my "test", because I chose to allow myself to indulge like an adult.
The result was that I had a small bowl of Ramen noodles (1 brick), and 2 grilled cheese sandwiches. It wasn't a binge, and I had consciously choose when to begin and end eating. I will admit that after eating the food, I felt proud of myself for having been so in control. For having had a pretty normal size meal (for me anyway). But then I spent the night on the edge of worrying if my indulging was a binge in disguise.
It took some online research, but I was happy to learn that it was NOT considered a binge for two reasons:
1. I have not over indulged like that twice in a week.
2. There were NO emotional feelings after the meal (ex: guilt, anger, sadness, etc). I also noticed that while eating I didn't get any emotional epiphanies, unlike how I used to do during "binges".
To have eaten and know it wasn't a binge was a "wow" moment for me. I did it! I lived my life without being all-or-nothing. I allowed myself to be normal, to be the person at the party who is slim, but doesn't say no to the cake and continues to laugh and enjoy herself. It was an adjustment, and it felt weird being so "normal". I gained 2.8 pounds in water weight, and to just shrug that off and keep eating healthy the following day (today) feels so empowering and strange. To just allow myself to be naturally thin, to not beat myself up about food. Its so empowering!
Figured I would share with everyone