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    MICHCLEARY   60,375
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A view into the psychotic mind

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me regarding my view on the state of my body. I always have said that I'm going to blog honestly here because what is the value of deceiving myself or anybody else.

emoticon I would think that after four years of being on a healthy lifestyle journey that I would not still have to fight some of the mental battles that I fight on a daily basis with a positive body image mindset.

emoticon This morning I started out with a positive self image. I'm doing well eating for multiple days in a row and working out. I've been able to do more in my P90X2 DVD's than I did last week. I actually think I might be trimming up some. This is important to me because a year out from major shoulder surgery, I still don't feel like I've fully recovered to the size or strength I had before surgery.

emoticon I quit weighing myself about six months after surgery I think because it was freaking me out that I had gained about 10 lbs and I don't think it was helping me recover. Quite the contrary it was undermining my confidence.

emoticon Last night I had the very positive experience of hitting the gym with my daughter for the first time in forever. We officially started working towards our Rat Race in October. We were side by side on the rowing machines for a one mile row - we have to do a one mile kayak in the race. We then did five weight exercises that went from head to toe, and one ab exercise and finished up with 5 minutes on the stair climber. I was trying to give her a good basic workout that wouldn't be too intimidating for her to walk in and do on her own. She did tell me once not to get all personal trainer on her. I told her I didn't know how not to be a personal trainer and she laughed it off and said she was joking.

emoticon Cue up shopping for a pair of jeans tonight and you have me on the other end of the spectrum. I tried on relaxed fit jeans, and they lied. They did not make me feel relaxed. I tried on a light color pair and immediately went to mental dark space because they were too tight and I thought I had gone up a size. Then I tried on a dark pair - same manufacturer, same size and they fit even though they weren't relaxed fit. So I wonder what in the H.E. double hockey sticks they do to determine what size is even what. I stand there looking in the mirror thinking how do I go from feeling good in the morning to feeling completely and utterly fat when in reality I know I am not fat. I walked out the dressing room utterly discouraged mentally.

emoticon I find myself questioning:

If I go to Starbucks right now and ask for a refill what will they say?

No really, I find myself questioning everything I know as a trainer, someone who's lost over 90lbs, someone who is studying for a Lifestyle & Weight Management certification, and saying do I know how to get to the healthy point I want? I realize as I'm standing in the checkout line how ridiculous this is as I'm staring at magazines. Prince William's wife Kate is on the cover of two magazines. One says she's pregnant and looks like she has a baby bump, and the other is accusing her of weighing less than 90 lbs. There is another different magazine with a new diet guaranteed to make you lose 15lbs in a week, and other models who have been touched up and are wearing bandaids - I mean bikinis. It's no wonder that as women in America we have constant fears and doubts about our weight and our shape.

This model is what I'm striving for, and what I'll be talking about this weekend when my new boot camp starts on Saturday. I will have over 20 women sitting there listening to me, and then working out with me all in the hopes of somehow getting healthier themselves.

I'll remind them, like I do myself, that a number on a machine cannot define me or declare my worth. It is inconsistent, and often times irrelevant to the true definition of health inside our bodies.

I'll remind them that no fad diet will work and that day in and day out making healthy choices is what will get us to the finish teacher - teach thyself today.

And there you have it - the internal workings of a psychotic mind in a constant state of flux over whether or not I'm doing it right and whether or not I'll ever get a flat stomach or thighs that I like.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DMANN104 6/10/2012 4:24PM

    I too can have a positive mood all day long until I try on clothes, I don't know what clothing makers are thinking when they put sizes in their clothes... some times I think they just randomly pick them out of a hat!

Great blog showing the good & bad moments of your day. It helps knowing that others have the same ups & downs! Thanks for sharing.

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FATHINSN 6/9/2012 10:52AM

    The fight still on while we still breathing and kicking!

I think what we can do to get more control with comparing our bodies with those models is to get ladies to cover up, hehe. No exposed body = no reason to compare bodies!

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4ANEWME2DAY 6/8/2012 12:49PM

    emoticon for sharing your thoughts.You were touching on points that I ponder every day. I'm coming to terms that I will never have a flat stomach or a shape on a magazine. I'm who I am. Stand tall and proud!! emoticon

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MASRITE 6/8/2012 12:40PM

    Great blog. Very interesting things to read about!!

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KAREN42BOYS 6/8/2012 12:35PM

    I think you did a pretty good job of listening to and challenging your head stuff. I'm 4 years in, too, and it does catch me off guard when my brain gives me old out of date messages.

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RUNNER4LIFE08 6/8/2012 10:46AM

    You hit it right on the nose with this blog. I struggle almost about every other day with my self image. And I think you are right... we as woman, have too many outside influences that try to tell us something that we should not be listening to. It is hard to ignore those magazine covers, the models, the actresses, etc....

But Mich.... I think you are doing awesome. You have worked so hard to get to your goal of being healthy and fit and should feel very proud of yourself. Keep reminding yourself at how far you have come, how many races you have completed, your certification for being a personal trainer, etc... you are doing great!

Keep on pushing forward with your healthy living!

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DABLUECAT 6/8/2012 10:06AM

    Super blog!

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JODYELLEN57 6/8/2012 8:57AM

    Not psychotic! I love the Starbucks refill. Your blog is a great read. Keep up the good work and thank you for sharing.

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LOPEYP 6/8/2012 8:42AM

    I have two pairs of jeans that are the same style and manufacturer. The only difference is the color. I had to get a larger size in the blue pair. Makes no sense.

I know it's easy to get wrapped up in numbers but numbers lie. Really!
It's a hard transition away from the scale and to the mirror.

Take a look at yourself and see all that you've become - your healthy complexion and hair. The definition in your arms and legs. Your stamina and endurance.
These are the things that are important. These are the things that will give you a long and healthy life.


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COOKIE_AT_51 6/8/2012 8:33AM

    Thank you for sharing honestly with us ... you aren't psychotic, your mind just needs the same "changes" your body has gone through. You will get there ... you are awesome and you will continue I know because you give those of us who are just "starting" this journey the hope we need to continue. emoticon

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SWEDE_SU 6/8/2012 7:04AM

    thank you for sharing - dark moments and doubts lurk, but you are doing so well and motivate others! emoticon

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SHERYL_B 6/7/2012 11:33PM

    Not psychotic. emoticon

Only you know yourself!

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JUNEAU2010 6/7/2012 10:30PM

    I almost bought that magazine with the headline about losing that much weight in a week. Thank you for blogging. To read that you, someone I admire, someone who is close to where you want to be, struggles with the same things I do lifts me up.

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SHEENADEE 6/7/2012 10:27PM

    It's good to write about these things.

Thanks for sharing the healthy living diagram.

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XMAS2012 6/7/2012 9:48PM

    Thank you for sharing. I loved the Healthy Model of Living! Good luck with your upcoming bootcamp. Those women are fortunate to have a teacher like you!
Great Blog!! emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 6/7/2012 9:41PM

    I love:
"I tried on relaxed fit jeans, and they lied. They did not make me feel relaxed."

It is bad enough that we have to battle ourselves with wanting to eat junk, not feeling like exercising, it's definitely not fun to throw duking it out with conflicting messages into the mix!

It's funny, your blog goes well with the milestone blog I posted today. It may be a battle, but if we're struggling a lot less, then we are better than we were before.

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PATTOMMC3 6/7/2012 9:26PM

    No matter my size I have ALWAYS felt like I was the fat girl.....strange part is the people who matter the most to me love me no matter what! Thanks for this blog.

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