Grabbed a fast food lunch because you were STARVING and then really regretted it later?

I have. But today, the first part only. Yesterday, I was super hungry, and I couldn't stop putting things in my mouth. I haven't even tracked them, I am kind of afraid.

Today, I started out with my requisite egg white omelet and then didn't eat anything until I ran for a suitcase at lunch (leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, needed a suitcase) and ended up shaking-hungry by the time I thought about food. I swung through the McDonald's drive through, determined to get a chicken sandwich. And maybe a diet coke. And....then I saw the amazing sight of the Angus Deluxe, in all it's (gulp) glory.

Call me a sucker. I got it. Aaaand.... the meal to go with it.

However, I passed on the 'sauce' whatever that was, and I did stick with the diet coke. My rationale was that I was working late today, and wouldn't have time for a real dinner, so I'd just have a light one. Besides that, I've burnt close to 2000 calories in exercise this week already.

Let me tell you, that frickin' burger was DELICIOUS. I enjoyed every bite of it. And the french fries. I rarely eat fried food, I shun it like the plague. So, I enjoyed the hell out of them. Did I feel a little guilty? Nope. Not a bit.

Now, 5 hours, I sit here, still smugly thinking of my lunch. I dutifully went on the McDonalds website and got the nutrition information, and tracked it on my tracker (feel free to check) and my lunch weighed in at 1040 calories. A lot? Yes. But with my light breakfast and the yogurt and strawberries I had for dinner, I am still within my calorie range and feel almost full. Yesterday at this time I was desperately nibbling everything in my house hoping I'd stop being hungry and feeling guilty about all of it.

I'm not saying that it was the smartest decision. However, it was my decision. I made it, I owned it, and I'm fine with it. Is this what it means to have a good relationship with food?

I'm still struggling on that aspect. I couldnt' tell you, honestly, why I've gained so much weight in such a short time. I was eating pretty well, and while not working out as much as I used to, I really can't account for being in the 160s, and it seems a looong way from the 140s. However, I have decided that it's more important to have some perspective and think about how good the 160s sounded when I was hovering around 200lbs, and how far away that seemed. Relatively, it's only half as far, and my body remembers being there.

I'm ready to start running again, and taking my workouts as seriously as I used to take my schoolwork. I know that was the key to my success before, really taking my fitness seriously. Starting in July, I am going to be trying to step down from my anti-depressants, so it will be super important for me to have a schedule to deal with my anxiety and keep me 'zen'. I think I lost sight of working out as a way of taking care of myself and started seeing it as a chore again. F*ck that. I FEEL good when I get a good workout, inside and out. Right now, my back, triceps, glutes, abs, and quads are sore. Workout sore. I have bruises and scratches on my legs and elbows from near misses mountain biking, and I can't wait to get back on the trails. I look at my bumps and bruises and they make me smile.

I'm going to take advantage of this week of residency with no obligations but conferences and myself to go for a run every day. Maybe just a walk. Maybe I'll do some situps and bench dips. Whatever makes me happy.

T