Thursday, June 07, 2012
I almost hate to say this out loud but this are going so well in my life right now. Its the minor things that have me whining but I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm growing and with everything growing pains are inevitable right.
I was released back to full duty at work with a my leg given a clean bill of health. I still have some swelling in the muscle and under the knee cap but that will work it's way out on it's own. And I got to finish my school year with my kiddo's. I missed them all so very much and I missed the teacher I work for and my friends. I also learned while I was off who my real friends are. It's sad because I lost 2 really good friends...or so I thought. Friends don't start gossip and rumors about you though. I also had a very nice opportunity to look from the outside in and see that the group of girls we were is NOT who I am or how I want to be known by my colleagues. I will be friendly with them because it's the professional thing to do but our relationship has changed and I find myself grieving the loss of 2 dear (or so I thought) friends.
I've also been released back to running and training started with Team in Training 3 weeks ago. But I'm struggling this time. When I started C25K in March it was easy. I felt great and accomplished. But this time I feel weak and wimpy. Discouraged and deflated. The people I train with are amazing!!! And are so supportive and loving but it's my own head beating me up. It just seems it's one thing after another. My first training was a 2 mile out and back. I was the last one back in but I felt WONDERFUL! I did a 2 mile O&B in 28.45 mins. This was a personal best. My 1st mile was a 13.58 another Personal best. I was on such a high. But my shoes were bugging me. So at my Buddy run we did another 2 miles and my feet kept getting hot spots and they hurt. I googled it and knew it wasn't stress fractures but everything said my Toe box is too small.
Last weeks Saturday training was the WORST!!! It started out amazing I shared my Story of having Lymphoma and it's the first time I'd ever shared it to anyone who was not family or a close friend. It was a bit intimidating but it felt great. And then the run...this time a 3 mile out and back. We started running 3:1 intervals. And I couldn't get my breathing under control. That's the first battle I was loosing and it was all down hill from there. I finally went to 1:3 intervals and felt like a looser. My foot started bothering me and I passed the 1 mile mark with a 13 min mile...this is a HUGE accomplishment but I felt so let down by my body. Or that I was letting myself down that I couldn't see that this was a faster time in just 1 week. Looking back that's huge thing to be proud of. But my foot and my breathing kept making me want to quit. But in the middle of BFE where do you quit? I'd still have to walk back 1/2 mile to get to the water stop to get a ride in. So I stopped and adjusted my shoe and went on. Relief for a moment. Then I stopped again and took my sock off and got a little relief again... now my other foot is starting so I took that sock off too. Here I am panting like I'm going to die holding my socks wanting to quit and we pass the people coming back in and keep hearing GO TEAM and high 5's down the line. I know I have to keep going there's no other option. I made the turn around and we decided not to run to timed intervals but to visual intervals and I did a little bit better. My feet were still killing and at this point I wasn't sure if I could even make it back to the water stop. But I would be so embarrassed if I didn't finish.
The water stop was in sight and I had it in my mind that my ego was less important than hurting myself. So I stopped got some gatorade and some trail mix, unlaced my shoes and shook out my feet. I caught my breath and shook off the tears that were on the verge or attacking me. I was asked if I wanted a ride in and I decided not to. I was going to finish even if I had to walk the last 1/2 mile. So I walked and felt my body coming back to life. My feet felt a little better and I was breathing again. Did I mention that it was already 80* at 8am when we were running? So I was super hot too. The water stop packed up and paced me to make sure I was ok. I was with a team captain and he told her that we still had a team mate back down the road further. That caught both of us off guard because I was the last one at the turn around.
So I told the captain I was good to go and the water stop people paced me and she went back for the last person. I was able to run the last 1/4 mile non stop and finished second to last.
The same high I had after the first training was not there this time. I was hot! And felt awful both physically and mentally. It's the first time that I actually questioned why I was doing this and if I was even going to continue. But everyone kept saying the same things I was feeling. Like I just couldn't go on...and OMG it was so hot! Even the seasoned runners were saying this. And then I heard something that brought me to tears.. a new team mate said I didn't think I could go on one more second and then I thought.. If Andi can do it then so can I! And you know what. If she could do it then so can I! I'm not a quitter this time. I may be slow but that's ok I'm still doing it.
Team had a shoe clinic at the store I bought my shoes from that keep giving me problems. So I took my shoes and off I went! Well my shoes were too tight I had been fitted wrong. So we got me fitted and I had to try on several different shoes and take a jog down the street in them. It was crazy how different these new shoes felt. So they exchanged my shoes for my new ones and I took a quick short jog this morning and so far so good but I'll know on Saturday. I'm really hoping that my running problems are coming from my shoes and not my legs. I'm kinda worried about this weekend.
I've come up with a plan that will hopefully work for me. I'm going back to week 1 of C25k...I'm going to do the 1:1.5 intervals. I'm going to pretend like I've never ran before. I've had a 1 month injury that stopped me in my tracks and I'm trying to pick up where I left off. And it's too much on me, so I'm going to start with baby steps literally lol.