I am so DONE!
Thursday, June 07, 2012
So yesterday I had to go to the doctor to get some more blood work done-thyroid, diabetes, liver function. Well- not really doctor, but Nurse Practitioner.
I usually dread going to doctor's offices for many reasons.
1. I have no insurance so it always wipes me out financially
2. I don't want people to tell me everything they think I am doing wrong
3. I never feel like I am being heard
4. I don't feel like I am treated like a human
5. All around I just don't like it-- doctors make me nervous and anxious.
Well.. I love my Nurse Practitioner -- she is so sweet and she treats me like a human being.
My first visit with her in January she walked in the room and she said I KNOW YOU. I said yes you were a nurse in an office I went to while pregnant 11 years ago. She said I KNEW IT I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU! After that I knew she was going to help me.. so here it is now months later and this is how my visit went yesterday...
So I arrived at the office and a nurse weighed me in and took blood pressure, etc. When my NP walked in she did this little dance and yelled. 16 POUNDS-- YOU LOST 16 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
She was beaming with pride. She just kept smiling and telling me how proud she was of me. She got off of her little rolling doctor stool and came and sat right next to me and sat there and talked to me for like 20 minutes. We talked about the vitamins and medicines she has me on. We talked about improving my sleep. She asked me about my emotions. She genuinely cared about how I was feeling. She talked to me about how not only is my body changing with my thyroid levels getting better.. but she also talked about how it is going to be changing my mind, as well. She talked about how I am probably starting to experience new emotions that I haven't felt in years. AND SHE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT! She even said I may even lose relationships and more because I will become a new person that people have never known before. She told me to contact her immediately if I needed to express any concerns about not only my physical health but mental struggles. She also told me I HAVE to start exercising in the morning if I want to sleep at night.. AGGHHHHH lol. I knew that was coming. lol
SHE IS AWESOME!!
I told her about how years before I went to see a doctor that was in the very building she was in and told him I wanted my thyroid checked. That doctor just told me I was depressed and put me on Paxil. She gasped and held my hand telling me how sorry she was about that. She said --" I bet the Paxil made you gain weight didn't it?" I said YES IT DID!
I told her it had been years since I trusted anyone in the medical field and how I hunted her whereabouts down so that she could help me. I told her about how 11 years ago I remembered she was a nurse at my Obstetrician's office when I was pregnant and how I remembered how gentle and kind she was always with me. I told her that I looked all over the internet to find where she was at now and made an appointment to see her. She and I started crying!!! She went and got us some tissues and she said that I made her day!
She kept going on and on about how proud of me she was and that we were going to get my thyroid and diabetes under control together.
When I was leaving she came and hugged me!
I left her office and got in my car and cried the whole way home because I felt so validated. I felt like it had been years since anyone gave a crap. I was so happy -- I was so relieved. Now I am crying again just thinking about it! It was such an emotional day for me!
So, after my NP visit and blood work I babysat my great niece and great nephew for a while. I was so tired and still trying to process all of the emotions I was feeling from the day. I had fun playing with them - 3 yrs old and 11 months old. But I was so emotionally and physically tired. When they left I went and ate a half cup of ice cream.. I was so upset about doing that,even though I was still in my calories, that I made me a couple of fat free bean refried bean nachos. UGHHHH..
I had this amazing visit with my NP then I go and end my day like an idiot!
Instead of going completely off the wagon with calories I decided to get on Spark and get back on track. I read many great blogs but there were 2 that really helped me.
SHRINKINGLULU wrote a great blog about eating a bag of cookies and climbing back into victory ..
and BOREDIMSO wrote a fantabulous blog about her A-HA moment with emotional eating that she had. I had a crazy flashback A-HA moment myself when I read her blog. If you go and read her blog you can read about my crazy flashback moment.
So with all of the support from my wonderful Spark Friends I feel really good right now that I will succeed. I am facing fears .. I am making myself vulnerable-which is really hard for me.
I AM DONE feeling like no one cares about me
I AM DONE feeling like I am not sure if I can do this
I AM DONE not allowing myself to be vulnerable and reach out for help and support
I AM DONE giving up
I AM DONE being the FAT GIRL