Has this really happened?!?!?!

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

So, I feel like I’m really not sure where I’ve been the past few weeks or what’s been going on! Has it really been a month since I last did a blog??? I was totally on track with what I was doing food and exercise wise as well as feeling like I was getting a pretty good grip on this thing called life. For the past 2+ weeks, I have been MIA from my life! I feel like I’ve been going through the past weeks on auto speed, not thinking about what I’m doing and not thinking about what I need to be doing.

For starters, the moment I can really pinpoint when I came to light was actually Memorial Day weekend.

I’m actually quite embarrassed to put this in here, and I’ve gone back and forth about doing it, but I’ve decided I might as well. I had to drive out of town by myself for my nephew’s birthday party….not a long drive…only 3.5 hours. However, I HATE driving alone, I haven’t made this trip alone in years and didn’t want to go alone. AJ couldn’t go with because he had to work, my brother asked that it was family only, so I couldn’t bring a friend. We had some money issues come up, so I really couldn’t afford to go either, but I was ‘guilted’ into going from my mother and my brother. I think this put me in auto-pilot and I didn’t even think of things. The drive up there wasn’t that bad, but about 30 minutes away, I had to stop and use the bathroom, not a problem. I stopped, did what I needed to do and decided to get some water as well. I then walked down the candy aisle – normally not a problem for me! I don’t know what happened, but the next thing I knew, I was walking about of the store with a few candy bars. Feeling bad about my purchase, I didn’t know what to do. I knew I could make it the 30 minutes to my parent’s house, but I panicked. So what did I do?? I seriously sat in the car and drove the remaining 30 minutes and ate ALL the candy!!! Seriously, I felt sick after…..both because I ate the candy and I’m not used to it and also because I knew what I had done and there was NO reason for it! So, I get to my parent’s house, it was mid-morning, and of course, I didn’t tell a soul about what I had done, I was so embarrassed! Part of my nephew’s birthday was to go out for pizza at a buffet…..not good! However, when I got there, I wasn’t hungry so I just got a small salad and some water. I thought this might work out and I can recover from the damage I had done. We moved the party to my brother’s house for cake and ice cream and presents. I had a small piece of cake – I was still feeling ok about my choices after my massive indulgence. I skipped the ice cream and all the soda and juice and had just water. I left later in the afternoon feeling a little better knowing I could turn this negative around and still come out ok. On my way home, I had to stop and put gas in the car, I wouldn’t have gone inside, but I needed some water to drink. I got some water, and walked out with MORE candy!! Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing! I ate it all of course, and feeling horrible for myself, I stopped and got some dinner at McDonalds – mind you, I NEVER eat fast food – I can’t stand it! Before I knew it, I was ordering off the menu. By the time I got home, I was so upset with myself and totally frustrated! I couldn’t believe I had taken so many steps backwards. I figured, I’d go to the gym on Sunday – which I didn’t!

Monday rolled around, I thought, take advantage of this ‘extra’ day off and go to the gym. I didn’t go……seriously not sure what was going on! My husband and I decided to have an impromptu BBQ for just the two of us with all the goodies. Of course, this meant, there was no planning into this and we went to the store and got whatever we wanted……not good! There was really nothing healthy about this but the chicken we grilled since I got it off SP!

I figured Tuesday, I would definitely go to the gym – it was time to get back on track! I ended up with a nasty kidney infection on Tuesday, missed work, had to go to the doctor, and in way too much pain to do the gym. Friday came around, I was still feeling bad, and was going to be alone since AJ was working that night. I went and got groceries right after work, BIG MISTAKE to do this alone and not feeling well!! I decided I would allow myself to eat whatever looked good Friday night and would get back on track Saturday – total mistake! I indulged on some pretty foods! I wasn’t feeling better until Saturday, but of course, I didn’t make it to the gym. I was going dancing with some friends Saturday night, so I figured, I’d get some good cardio in while having fun. The dancing didn’t turn out too well, my friend had too much to drink and the night ended in major drama! Grrr……

Sunday came, I was so tired from the night/morning before, I didn’t get up to go to the gym. In fact, for some reason, I allowed myself to pretty sleep all day until 2pm. Seriously kicking myself for this! Not only did I not make it to the gym, I didn’t get ANYTHING done!! The good news, I did manage to go for a walk with AJ and Sasha for about 40 minutes Sunday night.

Monday was not so bad, I did my best to eat only what I had planned for. We went to a baseball game and had to have dinner there, so I may have done a little damage, but I tried hard not to do too much. Tuesday, was good – I stayed within my calories and made it to the gym for an hour on the treadmill.

Here I am today, it’s Wednesday early evening. So far today, I have drank all my water, stuck completely to what I had planned to eat so far and I know when I go home we are going to grill lime chicken (recipe from SP) and asparagus. I will have room to allow for some kind of a snack tonight, maybe some popcorn.

I am totally ashamed with how the past week has been. I’ve shared with NOBODY what all I ate. I feel like I’ve gained so much weight, in fact, I didn’t even weigh myself this week due to last weekend. I just knew it would be bad and didn’t want to face it!

I know I can’t control every moment I encounter and I know that I will fall every once in a while, but I never expected something like this to happen. I surprisingly feel better for sharing it, but I’m still so embarrassed! I can’t undo what I did, so I’m going to try and just move forward and up. I have to remind myself to let it go. I can only control what I’m doing right now at the moment and need to learn to let the past go and not let what might happen next scare me. I fully expect when I step on the scale on Saturday that I will have a gain….but I still have to step on the scale….. I have to face this head on…….
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! I am glad I'm not alone. I think the worse part of it all for me is that guilt and feeling like you undid all the hard work. THEMOONWITHIN is totally right, we can't be too hard on ourselves. Just recognizing that you did those things and snapping yourself out of it and connecting with SP and your blog again are steps in the right direction. It's been a few weeks since this blog, so how is it going? I'm curious so I'm going to snoop and see what you have been up to. This was just a small bump on a long highway- you are still travelling girl so just continue on he same path you were before. emoticon
    2067 days ago
    It sounds like you had quite a few past weeks!

    I've fallen off the boat before too, and the best advice I can give is to be gentle with yourself, acknowledge that sometimes there'll be good weeks as well as bad, and do what you can to get back on track without beating yourself up for the past since that can't be changed, but how you use the future days is still within your ability to shape and use how you want to.

    2087 days ago
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