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Several Weeks After "Someday" (w/pics!)

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Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Yesterday I binged and ate a WHOLE THING of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.
In one sitting.
In maybe 20 minutes.
I'm not even sure why.

No, you know what, that's not true. I have a pretty good idea why, but it doesn't seem like a legitimate reason, so I try to brush it off and say I don't know why.
In fact, it sounds crazy.

I binged because I'm becoming exactly who I want to be, and it's scary, and it doesn't "fix" anything.

About 85-95% of the time I feel fantastic about myself. I've put in all this work and I feel good and I usually feel like I look good and I'm putting in the effort to be and become who I want to be. It's great!

But then sometimes, for no obvious reason, out of seemingly noplace, I have doubts.
I feel depressed.
I get overwhelmed.
I feel fat and unwanted and unloved and unlovable, even when I KNOW those things aren't true.
I still feel them.

So, the good news is I'm probably not a narcissist or a sociopath.

The bad news is that I will always have at least a little bit of self-doubt, and will probably always have this impulse to soothe that self-doubt with food.

The most important news is that I'm finally learning that that is okay. No one, including me, is ever going to be perfect even most of the time. I have weak spots, and one of those weak spots is my love of chocolate chip cookies.

That is totally okay.
In fact, I'm pretty lucky.
My weak spot could be for crack or moonshine or collecting too many stray cats.

All things considered, cookies aren't so bad.

It's okay to be scared.
Really, being scared of becoming exactly who I want to be is a pretty neat thing to have to be scared OF.

It wasn't scary when it was a far off daydream to be a fit and independent person who was out of the house doing things instead of watching other people do them on tv.
It wasn't scary to lay on that couch in my too-small sweat pants and tell myself that tomorrow I would start. Monday I would begin. Next week would be the first day of that life. Of becoming that person. Someday. On some particular start date in the future I would finally get to doing what I knew I needed to do so I could start pulling those too-small jeans out of the "someday drawer."

There aren't any more things in my "someday drawer."
It's completely empty.
It's been empty for WEEKS.
After years and years of stuffing it fuller and fuller of jeans that I once loved but could no longer stuff myself into, after years of it getting so full that it started to overflow into the drawer above it, there is absolutely nothing in that drawer.
Most of the jeans from that drawer are too big for me now.

I can't bring myself to put anything in that drawer.
It's pretty silly, a whole big drawer I could use to store SOMEthing, sitting empty.
But I don't want to put anything in there. I like knowing it's empty.
I like knowing that I'm living several weeks out from "someday."

I just didn't really prepare myself for the day several weeks after someday. It was always someday I will get my act together and I will become this person. I didn't really plan for what it would be like to actually BE that person. "That" person in those daydreams wasn't really me, it wasn't really even a person, it was just a daydream.

I am a totally different story.
I'm not active because it sounds so so dreamy and "right" to be active; I'm active because I'm out doing things I love! I'm playing disc golf every weekend and learning to play roller derby. I go to Zuma and now love to dance to the pop music I used to scoff at so smugly. I did a triathlon, and I won!! Okay, so I didn't win as far as anyone else participating in the race was concerned, but by my standards I won.

I don't do these things because I have to or am supposed to or because I should, I do these things because I WANT to, because I enjoy them.

That person in those daydreams lived on rabbit food and didn't even want any of the good stuff anymore. I love the good stuff. I drink beer and eat pizza and chocolate and sometimes even cookies. I don't want to give up my love of food, even occasional junk food.

So I don't really want to be that person from those daydreams.
Those daydreams are outdated. "That" girl can go ahead and join the princess and the mermaid and the vampire hunter as fond memories of something that I thought I wanted to be so badly.

Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.
But you know what else I did yesterday?
I made myself snap out of it. I put on some good motivational music and yelled along and put on my work out clothes and went to the gym and worked hard and felt great about it.
I put that binge behind me and I moved on and had a great evening.

Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.

Today that doesn't matter.
Today I got up and put on a cute outfit that makes me feel good about myself.
Tonight I will go to roller derby practice and work hard and have a fantastic time.

The only someday I'm worrying about now is the end of July when I get to take the skills assessment, hopefully pass, and officially pick out my derby name.
I'm currently leaning toward "The Rad Hatter."

Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.

Today I wont.

If you want to share this or any of my blogs outside of sparkpeople, I'm honored! But, please do it from my blogger page. I put some fairly personal things here on my sparkpage, and it's a little weird to think of non-sparkers reading it, but this has just the funny stuff!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I tripped over your blog after seeing you as today's featured motivator! Spark is such a HUGE place, and sometimes you don't find the kindred spirits for a while. Anyway, I wanted to add my "thanks" for a great depiction of what happens when we GET there!

    I've sat in those shoes a few times, but being a slow learner... I had to re-lose the weight (after it didn't fix life) three or four times. Now in my fourth year of maintenance, I think I MAY have found out that it's OK that it didn't fix life. It made me stop blaming life's problems on weight and food! And it has made life so much better.

    Good wishes for continued success at living as YOU! emoticon
    833 days ago
    Excellent blog post! Hope you made the team (love the name you picked!). Don't stop writing, you're so good at it! emoticon
    1179 days ago
    Love the empty drawer. With me it is a shelf in my closet. It is full of pants I cannot fit into. I am planning on an empty shelf in a year or so when they are gone because they are too big! Congratulations on your accomplishments and thank you for sharing your journey. You are an inspiration!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1261 days ago
    I am reading this blog after i had a similar night. It is always great to hear how other deal with minor set backs. emoticon
    1439 days ago
    I think we can all relate to what you've said here -especially when it comes to the "someday" drawer. My someday clothes are in a storage bin in the attic, but I wonder if it's really helpful to keep them. Congrats on your amazing progress :)
    1457 days ago
    I know the feeling! emoticon
    1457 days ago
  • MISSLISA1973
    AWESOME blog!
    1508 days ago
    Good for you!
    1511 days ago
    love the empty drawer! It doesn't seem silly to me. i have a big suitcase that I am going to see empty someday.
    When- you no longer need the empty you will fill it with perfect fit items. Maybe for a once in a life-time vacation that you have totally earned by taking all the baggage off of your body and mind and celebrate the improved you- that you keep fit and healthy now.
    That sounds like a good goal for me to work towards to.
    Now.... where should I go? Hawaii? Norway? Can't really plan that- I will change and evolve and the new places that I go might reflect that.

    Where would you want to go? Maybe the place where chocolate chip cookies were first made? or manufactured?
    1563 days ago
  • SYZYGY922
    I still have occasional binges, too, for the same set of reasons. I guess we just have to remain honest with ourselves and continue to tell ourselves that we're worth taking care of!
    1566 days ago
    Thanks for the blog. I binge once in awhile too. Good reminder to just pick yourself up and keep going rather than beat yourself up over it.
    BTY -I love the name "Rad Hatter" Good luck with the roller derby!
    1567 days ago
    This is EXACTLY why my mother stopped going to Weight Watchers after she lost her pregnancy weight....and then promptly put on twice as much. It scared her to be successful after so many years of being told she wasn't good enough, and she sabotaged herself. Kudos for your self-awareness and jumping back on the bandwagon!
    1582 days ago
    Thank you for being so transparent and sharing something so personal that speaks to others like myself!

    1583 days ago
    Love it! Today I had maybe 12-15 cookies, but then I just went for a 5 mile run, and I don't feel bad about it. The run was just to relax and let my mind wander, but running serves so many purposes in my life, and I love it. And cookies. I love cookies :)
    1584 days ago
    I can so relate to this. Thanks for sharing this with humor!
    1584 days ago
    I love cookies and brownies too! We won't be successful if we give up our loves so I have learned to plan for them. So good to hear about the someday jeans fitting and that you aren't beating yourself up over you said it could be much worse! Keep on sparking!
    1584 days ago
    I loved this blog. It made me think that we can all do it. I especially loved that your someday clothes are all gone. Great work and great motivation. THNAK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing your story emoticon emoticon
    1585 days ago
  • AMIV07
    1587 days ago
    You will become a member of the team. You have what it takes to win. Loved the blog and all is well emoticon
    1588 days ago
  • SANDIK9806
    Yep! You really nailed it!! Thanks for reading my mind!
    1591 days ago
    I love this blog! Thank you for putting these feelings into words. And thank you for giving yourself permission to eat cookies from time to time. I feel like I can give myself permission to do that too.

    1591 days ago
    Great blog! I too have a weakness for cookies: chewy chocolate chip! Good for you for getting back to it the next day! That's what we gotta do, not dwell on it. It happened and now it is over!

    Thanks for sharing! You are not alone! emoticon
    1592 days ago
    What a great blog! Thanks for sharing it, and the reminder that each day is a new day.
    1592 days ago
    You go Rad Hatter! Great Blog! emoticon
    1592 days ago
    Great post! And great attitude!
    1593 days ago
    I say "Ditto!" So much of what you say makes so much sense! I also have a "someday" drawer that I've emptied, how ever I'm filling mine up with "today" stuff. LOL. Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon
    1593 days ago
    1593 days ago
    I loved your blog I do see me there and my someday drawer is a bin full of clothes just waiting for me to lose the weight to fit in them. One day it to will be empty just like your drawer. emoticon
    1593 days ago
    WOW!!! Love your analogies!! I can so relate! GO YOU!!
    1593 days ago
    This struck such a chord with me (I ate far too many home-cooked hotdogs on Sunday!) and I adore the illustrations :-)
    1594 days ago
    I can relate to much of what you say. I am reading this at a time when I am feeling afraid to become as you so aptly put that "someday" girl. Thanks for sharing. emoticon
    1594 days ago
  • LMJ2874
    Sounds like you are a strong and amazing woman! I understand 100% what you were writing about. Helped put things into perspective. Thank you for sharing such a personal battle.
    1594 days ago
    Thanks so much for sharing this! I see so much of myself in some of your comments!
    1594 days ago
    Yep. sounds like me...but my someday 'drawer' still has stuff in it. I think I'm doing great, or horrible in my healthy habits, then proceed to stuff myself, being fearful of my feelings, either good or bad. Your Blog rocks!
    1595 days ago
    LOVE the fact that your "someday" drawer is still empty!!
    1595 days ago
    Btw, the pics were hilarious too :P
    1595 days ago
    LOVED this blog! I love that you owned your overeating, but then got up from it. That you didn't let it get you down & admitted that it's scary, but that it's okay. Thank you for sharing things a lot of us feel but sometimes can't admit. Good luck to you! :)
    1595 days ago
    Love the "PICTURES" makes it a GREAT BLOG!
    1595 days ago
    Thanks for the encouragement, great writings, cute drawings, you are awesome. SOMEDAY I hope to have an empty closet too! (My stuff is in the extra closet!)
    1595 days ago
    I can't wait for that feeling of someday being today. It even sounds ludicrous in my mind, but this blog has got me craving the feeling. Thank you and also congratulations being the person you set out to be and enjoying it as well.
    1596 days ago
    Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes think it is harder to go down in sizes than it was to go up. I am working on an attitude adjustment.
    1596 days ago
    Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes think it is harder to go down in sizes than it was to go up. I am working on an attitude adjustment.
    1596 days ago
  • SHEL_V2
    Great read (except I need to listen to Manah-manah until I can no longer picture your cookies). I think with your artistic talent you could build an awesome diorama of a derby match in your "someday" drawer!
    1596 days ago
  • TRIPLEL1977
    Thanks I needed this.
    1596 days ago
    Huh, I guess I haven't realized that there will be a day several weeks after someday. Interesting to know that it might like it looks an awful lot like today, except for the empty drawer. I can't wait for the empty drawer.

    Thanks for another inspiring blog post!
    1596 days ago
    You did anamazing job ofmoving on. Thanksfor the lesson! What a fun blog to read.
    1596 days ago
    I was listening to bunch of graduation speeches - one was "it doesn' matter how many time you fall down - if you get up one more time that you fall".

    You've done it! You're up at at'em again. emoticon
    1596 days ago
  • SPUD676
    Kudo's to you!! What an inspiration! I, too, have found exercise that I looooove such as Basketball, Dance, Tennis, Swimming, Volleyball..and the list goes on and on..Exercise I have found does not have to be something you hate emoticon !! So what if you ate that many cookies at one pulled your boot straps up and didnt feel sorry for went and worked out and felt great about it!! Awesome!! So happy you dont have a "someday" drawer anymore as well...Awesome!! Again, Kudo's to you!! By the way, "The Rad Hatter" is a TERRIFIC Roller Derber Name!!!! emoticon
    1596 days ago
  • LAURA_1982
    This is a fantastically insightful blog. Thanks so much for sharing. It was an absolute pleasure to read... and the pics are hilarious. :)
    1596 days ago
    Great insight and a motivating post! I can relate! Thanks for putting it to words.
    Here's to us!
    1596 days ago
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