Wednesday, June 06, 2012
I wish I could write something wonderful and uplifting to inspire others. That ain't happening here.
I'm just so disappointed that, in so many facets of my life, my hard work just isn't good enough. In 25 months, I've lost just 29 pounds. OK, at least it's 29 pounds that are gone. But in the last 3 months, I'm up 1 pound. All other metrics -- BP, HR, how I feel, measurements -- are the same or slightly worse than they were 3-6 months ago.
I'm having a lot of difficulty accepting the fact that 1200-1300 calories will MAINTAIN my overweight body. My doctors really want me to lose more weight -- 15-20 more pounds is not unreasonable, according to my team of medical professionals. It's not a matter of still more strength training to "firm up" a few areas or the inevitable slowdown to get those last stubborn 5 pounds.
For me, the BEST weight-loss I've ever had is one pound per week, sustained for a whopping 5 weeks. What did I do? That was on a medically-supervised 600-800 calorie per day diet with diet drugs. That is not something I'd like to do again. The next best "normal" diet? Just under 1200 calories for three-quarters of a pound per week. The usual? A loss of .25 to a GAIN of 1+ pounds per week+ at 1100-1300 calories.
My doctors are stymied. They have examined my food, exercise, and medical records on a monthly basis and feel I should be dropping weight at the usual 2 pounds or more per week. Yes, I can do more strength training and cardio, but what I am doing should be more than sufficient to have dropped to my goal weight/size/health long, long ago.
I'm really struggling right now. Not only can I not lose weight, I don't look good in my Mother-of-the-Bride dress. I STARTED DIETING TWO FREAKIN' YEARS PRIOR TO THE WEDDING AND COULDN'T DROP 50 POUNDS! I'm doing home improvement projects -- stripping wallpaper, patching and painting walls, landscaping, massive decluttering -- overhauling the whole house for the wedding and I'm *exhausted* every night from all the physical activity. And, apparently, I suck at that, too; my family always helpfully points out EVERY SINGLE FLAW and rarely says anything nice about the finished project. The best I've gotten is a condescending, "It looks so nice and clean. Now can we keep it that way?!" 'WE' WHO? It was THEIR crap I cleaned out! I've been given "helpful" tips, like, "don't tear up the grass as you plant the new plants." And when my family solicits my advice, they usually tend to point out why my advice is completely inappropriate to their situation.
I'm just so tired of life right now.