Wednesday, June 06, 2012
I sit here today acknowledging the fact that even though I've been a member of Spark People since January 2008, I've made 0 progress. I've lost and regained the same 15 pounds time and time again.
Needless to say that my personal failure has nothing to do with how great Spark is. I have just been incapable of sticking to any sort of plan, commitment, group, challenge, streak e.t.c. At the beginning of every month when I'm awarded my consistency and perfect attendance trophies, I just feel like crying. It makes me realise that even though I'm perfect at keeping up appearances in both my virtual and my real world, I don't have what it takes to put my money where my mouth is.
My addiction to sugar and alcohol has completely got the best of me in recent years. I spend countless hours on the Internet looking up fitness tips, reading articles on nutrition, browsing trough Spark people, yearning to be one of the people I admire and look up to, but never do anything to achieve it. I know how to do it, I just don't.
My binge eating and drinking started due to emotional insecurities and a family history of emotional eating and drinking but now have become a problem in themselves.
I set the alarm clock on most mornings to get up and get a workout in before my day starts but I just hit the snooze button and keep on sleeping. Same thing at night when I get back from work. Can't be bothered to do anything.
I have started to alienate myself from my husband and my children because of my foul mood. My disappointment in myself and my frustration regarding my inactivity have made me an unpleasant person to be around.
My dear husband is a great support and although sometimes he feels overwhelmed by my behaviour, tries to help me. My son even tells me that I'm the best mummy in the world and to tell you the truth it makes me cry because I know I'm far from it.
I hate it than my weakness of character prevents me from doing the things I want in life. I know that I don't need to eat sweets and drink alcohol. I have done it before. I know I can follow a regular exercise programme and healthy lifestyle. I have done it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's just that most times I make excuses for myself. I am weak.
I am hoping that putting all of my thoughts out in the open and reading them will help me do something about my situation. I really want to change and as I said before know how to change. I just need to find the motivation to start and not stop this time.
Spark People is a great place to be and my Spark Friends have been a true blessing in my life. It's my responsibility now to do them best that I can do and be the best that I can be.
Thank you for reading xxx