Tuesday, June 05, 2012
What do you want to be when you grow up? That is a question that has been haunting me for years. I think people who know what they want to be and then achieve it, are truly amazing. I wanted to be many things of course, we go through so many stages as we grow, but what I thought I would be and where I am right now are vastly different. You see, I grew up in a home where success was expected but you were basically on your own to achieve it. As a child, you are totally dependent on your parents for everything. You need them to guide you through life until you are ready to step out on your own. I was always under the impression that my parents would help me to figure out what direction I would take; recognize my strengths and weaknesses and help me become that successful person they expected me to be. Unfortunately, it did not work out that way and when the time came to take that step, I came to the realization that I was on my own. The worst part was I was not emotionally equipped to handle taking that step on my own and I have been playing catch up ever since. The long and long of it is I am finally realizing that I harbor a great deal of anger about it.
How does the above long winded kind of cryptic paragraph have to do with the title of my blog? Well, success in my family was measured by what you turned out to be when you grew up and it seemed that no matter what I did, it was never enough. I never measured up. I have been living with that for too many years. I have been kind of wandering through life, wondering what my purpose is. Am I an unsuccessful person, no, not at all? But, when I have a bad day at work, when I think about how things could have been those feelings of, “What are you doing with your life” start a churning. Once that churning begins, I get sad, when I get sad; all I want to do is make myself feel better and how do I make myself feel better, by retreating to the couch with pizza and ice cream, because to me, those things make me feel better. Then I just start spiraling, eating more, feeling sad because I am gaining weight, not exercising, even though, that would be the best thing for me, and so on and so on. This weekend I felt myself spiraling. As I was laying there I said to myself, until you really deal with this anger, you are going to keep finding yourself right back on the couch spiraling. Until you can accept yourself for who you are, you are going to keeping finding yourself right back on the couch spiraling.
I think we all know that spiraling is not the answer. So where does that leave me? In a place where I know that I have to keep that promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year; To Tackle It! I am not dealing with things; I am not doing enough work to get myself there. It is time to get to work, (the year is slipping by)! I see what success people have by writing out their feelings and what better place to start then doing just that (more regularly).
My goal for June is to blog it out instead of spiral it out!!