Monday, June 04, 2012
Reason why not: "If I BECOME happy and healthy then I will no longer be related to those people that I come from" from Priccilla Warner's "Learning to Breath"
Mmm. I think there is truth to this inner belief. I carry my memories with me of when I was a kid. There were issues, many of which I have let go of. However there is a fear of being resented by the people I grew up with if I am happy and healthy. I have to ask myself if this is a true belief or just one I have created. We have all changed, my "people" and I. We are not who we were then. I notice that when my kids come home from University they slip into old versions of themselves sometimes. I know they have grown but it is so much a pattern. I do the same when I go home and likely my family responds the same way. Old patterns. Sometimes I think I have forgotten how to happy. Does it take practice? What does happy look like?
-laughing out loud
-grateful heart and attitude
-being willing to go on adventures, try new things
-able to let things go and carry on
It does not mean being in control or not being in control. It means not feeling vulnerable no matter who is in control. There is an element of feeling safe but willing to risk that to... grow.
The second quote. "When we are hurt, our bodies develop armor. We want to hurt others to distract us from our own vulnerability. If we forgive someone, there is a fear they will never know how much we have suffered. We can get hooked on suffering." from the same source as the first quote.
Wow, I can say I have this attitude sometimes. I find though that time has softened me. God is helping me forgive. How many times though do I still find myself reliving a conversation or situation in my head even years after it happened. It is like a reinforcement that a feeling or belief I have is right. But I know that things change and memories are not always right. There are no "points" for suffering. I don't win by carrying a grudge. In fact, I think I lose. It takes up my time and energy and interferes with any relationship I might have with that person, and possibly with other people. Am I hooked on suffering? I think that I was for a while. Now I don't see myself as victom. I see how my negative experiences were all part of making me who I am, of realizing that had bad things not happened then good things later may never have come to be. I am actually grateful for some of the "suffering" that some people caused me. I would not have gone so far away to University, met my soul mate DH, not developed such empathy for people going through the same things.
Third quote: "Let thinks flow. Declutter and find the Majesty of the Soul."
Fourth quote: "Sigh" = Sitting In God's Hands