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    KELLFIRE   6,676
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Self-Destruction

Monday, June 04, 2012

“Self-worth comes from one thing –
thinking that you are worthy.”
~ Wayne Dyer

For most of my life I have felt I wasn’t worth of being cared for. While mostly unconscious it was a clear self-destructive pattern stemming from being adopted. After all if the one person in my life (and anyone’s life) who was supposed to love me unconditionally didn’t want me, then how could anyone else.

At times in my life this has reared its head in the form of toxic and dangerous relationships, drug use, alcohol over-use, promiscuity, and other ‘obvious’ forms of self-destruction. (ok, so they weren’t obvious at the time) But underlying all of that has been a deep streak of self-neglect. I’ve done what’s easy and comfortable because I don’t so much care about me.

I am changing that. I am making mental notes of what makes my heart and mind happy. And what foods really make my body feel good (verses just quieting the negative voices in my head). I am strong enough to learn to care for myself better!

I got way off track at the event Saturday. I shopped purposefully and didn’t buy anything I wouldn’t have put in my body. I stocked up on carrots, and hummus, and cheese, and fruit, but at the last minute tossed in a bag of whole wheat pita chips. Those alone wouldn’t have been bad if I had stopped at one serving, but I kept refilling the bowl (which was for public consumption) and then grazed out of it. I got back on track Sunday with fruit and yogurt and such – but was aware of the desire for something salty and crunchy (like chips/crackers/pretzels – not edamame)

On a similar self-destructive note, I have a ‘free weekend’ coming up, and have figured out 3 choices of what to do – go back to NC and look for trouble; go to NYC and visit friends and perhaps find trouble; stay for a local SCA event and get to know local folks better – it would be getting outside my comfort zone, but has fewest chances of doing things that are dumb for me. Guess which one calls to me most – yep, the going back to my old stomping grounds and looking to get into the same troubles I got into in the late 80’s. I’m putting off making plans until I decide which is healthiest for me.

Until then, it’s a day at a time - and hour at a time - a choice at a time.

“This is what I am.
I have periods of enormous
self-destructive depression,
where I go completely off my trolley and
lose all sight of reality and reason.”
~ Siobhan Fahey
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLFIRE 6/4/2012 11:03AM

    Thanks @NARNIAROSE2003 , you are correct, I can think almost anything to death. And justify why a girls weekend at the beach would be the best thing to do (even though it would be seeking self-destruction) Believe it or not the event is the plan that is most outside my comfort zone. It's the one that feels the scariest - but also feels like a weekend w/ newcomers night/steirbach event/spa world would be the plan that rejuvenates me the most. So right now I'll say it's a go (with the option to flip to NYC plan) And the NC trip is right out. Thank you for your inspiration and support!

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NARNIAROSE2003 6/4/2012 9:40AM

    GO TO THE EVENT. I think you already identified it as what's best for you. If you keep mulling it over, it is only because you're trying to think of a way to talk yourself into it. DON'T. Just think how good you will feel after! YOU GOT THIS.

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