Friday, June 01, 2012
I went over my calorie range two days this week (by more than a 1,000 calories) in SECRET.
If you asked anyone in my household, they'd know nothing about it. They didn't see it. And when no one else sees it--at least so I've convinced myself in the past--it didn't happen.
More than that, eating in secret means I don't have to face the shame, the horrible nakedness of my shortcomings. Sometimes I can think of nothing worse than to be seen. For the person beside me to know that I am not only flawed, but weak. How much easier it is to sneak around, lurking behind 130 lbs of extra flesh.
But I am tired of hiding. I am tired of the exhausting fear of being found out. Tired of not seeing my inherent perfection as a being in a perfect universe.
What action has this fatigue inspired?
Something small, but significant: I am making my food tracker public.
Because I wish to accept where I am. I choose to look at my flaws without judgement. I want to prove to myself that fear does not have to paralyze.
Let the unveiling continue.