Friday, June 01, 2012
about healing... i was still depressed. am still depressed. and got up the courage today to talk to my husband about it. and it was all about: i need to be a woman who confesses her sin. when my husband does me wrong, it is important i don't sin by shutting it inside. one silliest reason is because i was literally stuffing myself in the past 3 days, so much so that i was making myself sick. i was trying to keep myself from saying anything. i used the food to keep my mouth shut. to stuff my feelings or hide them. and to fill me up when i felt so empty and alone inside. obviously this is not working. and it is straight up sin. :( no more of this crap.
so repentance is not just quitting for today or tomorrow. it is being sooo sick of this sin that you never want to see it again, nor deal with it ever again. that there is no "why why why" in my heart and head, because i was done with it. I AM NOT THERE YET. but i want to be!!! i want to be there so bad i am screaming inside!! i want never to do this again! why do i? i don't get it!
and in Joshua 21:44-45, it says the Lord gave them rest (or peace in the ncv version) on all sides.... none of their enemies defeated them. the Lord gave all their enemies over to them. he kept every promise he had made to the Israelites. each one came true.
you know what? i want that promise for myself! i want peace and rest on all sides! i don't want to be defeated by the enemy anymore. i want all my enemies given over to me. i want to be justified. and i want God to make and keep promises to me. i want all my promises from God to come true. but if i get all this without working for it, then i will have been rightly known as lazy. so i need to fight for God, to earn my place. i need to fight period, to earn my place.
do i sound whiny? naggy? well, i AAAAMMM a child of Christ..