I'm a very happy girl today... which is unfamiliar to me - it must be the new anti depressants. I'm enjoying the sunshine and I'm pleased a friend rang me and we had a laugh.. and I'm feeling hopeful about spark... How funny cos just yesterday I wrote that blog that seemed so negative - I shared it with my partner and wanted to get his perspective on it.. but he offered none. This is important because, I am externally motivated. Will try to communicate that with him this weekend.
In New Zealand our food is not labeled with calories.. sometimes, rarely, it's labeled with kilojoules but to be honest I have no idea what that is.. it's like trying to reinvent the wheel.
Well I found a formula in an American book on how to count calories, I hope its right (9xfat, 4xcarb 4xprotien per grams in the serve)
My favourite, expensive crackers.. which appear to be the most healthy in the market, are made with ancient grains like millet and cost nearly 4$ a box.. have a serving of 4 crackers. Which I suppose is generous, once you put toppings on it.. you could almost make that a decent snack - I calculated it out today... and it came out as 99 calories.. alarming, and on top of that, I have never eaten only 4. lol. I don't know how many is in box.. maybe 30? and I can eat that in two days.
I'm a bit of a carb craver I suppose? I've never had that sort of reaction to a vegetable.. oh I just have to buy it every week.. and the most healthiest.. haha.. i gotta eat it!.. nope. So it must be a craving.
I'm not sure why but my eating went totally mental last week, I did have the flu, but basically, it seemed to be i ate whatever I felt like.... One of the tactics I use is to "never buy" chocolate.. or other bad food, (not that chocolate is bad but i can't control myself with it) and thus I control the food shop.. so if it's not in the house, I can't eat it.. well guess what happened? I WON two family chocolate bars, for a competition i entered .. trying to win home made soap.. haha.. And sadly, they were eaten in three days.. (quite a long time for me actually). I think this might have sparked a sugar craving, cos I began eating all sorts of wierd foods.. take aways twice last week.. ! missing dinner.. eating meat and cheese and dairy... .just insane things i normally never do. If I have a sugar craving. I typically think "well i could bake" and that seems like lots of effort so i dont. and I get through it. and if desperate i make up chocolate icing using cocoa and confectionars sugar. - It sort of does the trick enough to stop the crave.. and it doesn't go wild and out of control..
But what seems to be going on....that week was a carb craving.. I even had bakebean and cheese toasties. . I never have those!.. lol. I suppose... my learning that starch is a sugar didn't help. Maybe there was some reaction to the thought of cutting out (refined) carbs entirely... that brought on the reaction.. but yeah.. it seems every time I think about eating healthy or watching dr oz or biggest loser, I react by eating like mad - it's like i live with a rebel in me that I can't control.
My body thanked me by putting on 2kgs. and I have felt very sluggish and tired.
Uh.. oh I've had the flu for THREE WEEKS. is that even possible? I've decided since my
partner has not got sick at all.. I have low immunity... I decided to take some iron tablets but they are making life hell.. I'm going to go try to find a pill splitter at the pharmacy today to cut the dose down a lot. and take it every second day. so 1/4 as much. I suppose my pcos causes anemia, I'm used to having low energy. But maybe I deserve a bit more.
Been working on my self talk since yesterday's post... something like
"I deserve a body I love and my body deserves my love" :)
I suppose.... I live with a subconscious - self saboteur and my "voice" (my regular thoughts) on being healthy.. is often not as strong as that other thing going on..
This impacts me with working, relationships, friendships, health, taking care of myself..
I just wonder...
WHY would I consciously, not fight it... that's confusing to me. When I consider a new thing like "a life without bread meat or dairy" that I would think of all the scary, limiting things.. not go to the benefits of such a diet.. I could do that! I reckon, if as long as I stayed aware.. and perhaps even kept a log of it... I could lick this thing..
It sounds like im talking about hearing voices.. im not.. it comes from abuse as a child and the identity that i formed that it was my fault and i deserved it.
just to clear that up.
Why not make a plan and get some light onto the topic.