Thursday, May 31, 2012
Iím such a total and completely different person than what I used to be. That girl I see in pictures in unrecognizable. I can just see the misery there. How even though Iím smiling, it doesnít quite reach my eyes. I canít even believe that I used to tell myself I was happy with that way I was. That even though I weighed close to 300 pounds, I wasnít missing out on life. I canít believe I told myself such lies.
I was missing out on everything. Seriously.
People used to try and make comments to me all the time about my health, but I would just shake it off. Sure I weigh 300 pounds but that doesnít mean Iím unhealthy. HA! I honestly, truly thought I was healthy. I blamed genetics. I was just meant to be overweight. Even that was a blatant lie. I wasnít heavy when I was younger. 90% of my family is average weight. Only my mother and brothers are really overweight. Hmmmm. Maybe itís not genetics. Itís just my family. I was taught a very unhealthy lifestyle. I was never really introduced to fruits or vegetables. Iím a crazy picky eater, even still. Iím forcing myself to try new foods, but I fight it the whole way.
I sometimes hate the fact that I spent so much time being so overweight. How much life I missed out on. Would I change anything if I could go back? Hell no. I was meant to go through this journey. I would not be who I am, if this didnít happen to me. Iíve faced so many obstacles in my life, not with just being overweight, and Iím a better and stronger person because of it. Iím just so happy I turned my life around now in my 20s, rather than waited until much later in life.
I look at my mother and I worry daily. Sheís getting bigger and doesnít seem to be concerned at all. She has become so very limited itís unbelievable. Iím so scared that in a few years she will need a wheelchair to get around. She gets out of breath by just getting ready in the morning. I hear her panting and sweating and my heart just breaks. Even when she cooks or cleans sheís so out of breath. She has no idea that even if she just lost 50 pounds how much better she would feel. How she would get around so much easier. She actually bought a seatbelt extender for her car the other day. She blames the car for having to do this. Not the fact that sheís gained so much weight that she canít reach the buckle easily.
Sheís my number one cheerleader, and has helped me SO much in this journey. Sheís cooked for me, buys me whatever food I need. I donít understand why she canít do it for herself. I know sheís afraid. I was petrified. I know that those first steps are the scariest thing anyone will ever do. I wish I could talk to her about this but the thing is I know.
I know that until sheís ready and wants this for herself, that there is nothing I can do about it. The only person who can do this for her, is herself. If I were to talk to her, I would only threaten our relationship. She has to want this for herself. She has to be ready to change.
When sheís ready you can bet that I will become her number one cheerleader. I would do everything in my power to help her succeed. I love her more than anything and I only want to see her live for many more years to come.