Journal entry from 3/19 as mentioned in my previous post.

Afraid of working out? I think I am. It seems silly but I am. I am beginning the first day of a 7 day pass at Gold's Gym today. I have made an appointment with a personal trainer to get started this afternoon and I have been in a funk every since. I originally thought that Fred and I would be able to go to the gym together and there was comfort in that. But the way things are working out, I think I'll be on my own and that scares me.

I am trying to figure out what I am afraid of. I am afraid of been embarrassed. Doing something stupid for others to see. I do not embarrass easily in my daily life, but this really puts me out there in a way that REALLY bothers me. I don't usually care what others think of me, but I am honestly scared of what people will think at the gym. I will be so out of my element.

I am a pretty smart girl. Interested in and I keep up with current events. I can talk to almost anyone about most things. But when it comes to this, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I really don't know anything.

I know that I am fat. Always have been. I know in my brain that I don't have to be, but I don't really know it, because I have never been anything but.

I have tried to lose weight with diet and it just doesn't work. 1000 calories a day for weeks and I lose nothing, very little and some times even gain weight. 800 calories, 1200 calories, 1500 calories, I've tried it all. So I feel like the only thing I can do is add the exercise component. It truly is a last resort. I don't like working out. I don't like sweating. I like sitting on the sofa watching tv. I like going to the movies. But I guess I am not going to lose weight doing that.

I will go to the gym tonight. I will live through it. I won't die of embarrassment. I won't die of feeling awkward. I will wake up tomorrow and I will have lived through it, I just don't know how at this point.

I am crying right now because I am scared of what is going to happen. Am I afraid of how my life might change? It could only be for the better, right?

I don't know what my deal is, I hope I can figure this out.

I don't see myself as someone who scares easily, but maybe I am.

I weigh 288. I am about the biggest I have ever been. I am weak. I am physically weak. I am mentally weak when it comes to food and physical fitness. I always have been. I have never been strong when it comes to this. NEVER. I don't know how to be. I am just trying to change it, but I don't know how. Fake it 'til you make it? I don't know.

I am fully distracted by this today. I am only half able to work, but then I think about this again.

I want to be able to be dedicated to this. I want to be strong. I want to be mentally strong about food and physical fitness. I want to be committed to this. I want to be. I truly don't know how to do it though.

I think about how I went to college, while working full-time and being married. I was able to commit, to do it, to make it happen and to do it well. Very well. Why can't I apply that thinking to this? Can't I, I can, right? I wanted that to be much more resolute, but it wasn't. It was still a question and not a statement.

I meet with Jake tonight, why couldn't it have been a woman? At 6:00 p.m. I will go to the gym ("A gym, what's a gym?" Homer Simpson) with all of the people who do know what they are doing. With all the people in workout outfits and sports bras. I will have my WalMart purchased Danskin pants, a white t shirt and my regular old bra.

I don't usually care what people I don't know think of me, really, I don't, but today I will. Maybe that is what is bothering me. Today I am caring what those people think and I know I shouldn't. Why the hell do I? Why is this different than any other bunch of people I don't know and don't care about what they think?

I know I don't want to be judged. "How does someone get that fat?" I can see it in their thoughts and their looks. "I bet she'll never stick with it." and they may be right. I never have before. How do I, I don't know how? I have never been successful at this. At this one thing. But I had never been successful at finishing school, until I was. I had never been successful at doing cornrows in Reagan's hair, until I was. How did I decide to do those things and then do them? Why can't I do that here? I want to, I think.

I want to be healthy. I want to go down the slides at Cox Farms Harvest festival without worrying if I will be able to get up at the bottom. I want to be able to ride roller coasters with Ivory again and with Reagan. If I fall down, I want to be able to just get back up, without help. I want to be able to get off the couch without major effort. These are not major goals. But they are things I can't do right now.

I want Reagan to not be embarrassed of me. I know she is not now, she just loves me as I am. I know that she always will, but I don't want her to feel she has to defend me or that she will be made fun of because I am fat. She already will have problems because she has parents that don't look like her. I want to give her as little baggage as I can. I think I need to lose some of mine to be able to make sure she doesn't have to carry any of it.

For those reasons, I will go the gym tonight and do what I can. Try to not be embarrassed. Try to do what I can and then go back the next time and do the same. We'll see.

This journal entry is referred to in my previous post:
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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