Hello Spark Friends!

I know if you have been following my page, sending words of kindness and more- I'm just as disappointed that I haven't been as involved with Spark People.

...I hope it's not "wrong" to use this blog as a way to express how outside influences have been affecting my self worth.

I recently had to remove a friend from my life. In the most serious of ways: "Please never correspond with me again. I do not want to salvage a toxic relationship".

After MONTHS of being treated like hot garbage, I knew the worst was yet to come.

Exhibit A: [Friend, we'll call her "K'] In February, K shows up incredibly drunk to an event I am running. This is something that I consider so disrespectful and disgusting. I'm sitting here, working, but in the back of my mind... I'm worrying about her making an ass of herself.

She then proceeds to tell me that my ex [Let's call him 'R'] of no more than 5 months asked her out on a date. My paranoia ran wild, so I texted R... I don't normally jump to conclusions, or have the need to be insecure about these things, but "we're COOL like that" He knows that would be the ultimate in disrespect for me. Just wait.

Exhibit B: [K] Drops a LOT of weight, and her actions become consistent. She's mostly coming over to weigh herself. This is VERY bothersome to me, because my weight and emotions towards it are VERY private. These are issues I would ONLY tell my therapist, or in my blogs on SP.

--I try to maintain strength. I wanted to believe in her, and to hope that she was doing these activities for the right reasons. I guess I temporarily ignored her signs of delusion.

Exhibit C: [K] Shoots me the bird AT RANDOM, in public, in front of all of our friends for NO REASON. She was, again, incredibly drunk.

I had my things in a cross-body, turned around, and walked away. I only got about 3 blocks before bursting into tears and attempting to find the train station.

....less than a week later, she tells me she will be a better friend to me, that she wants to starts seeing me more, and how sorry she is. "When will there be an appropriate time for me to grovel at your feet?", she asks.

I let her apologize. To forgive is divine.

Exhibit D: [K] No more than 24 hours after -quote- groveling at my feet-end quote- she sleeps with my ex, R, who I previously mentioned. Myself and R have been broken up for 7 months. Though I have no romantic feelings for him, I am overwhelmed with betrayal. Am I really this disrespected?

I suppose I was waiting for something horrible to happen, something to finally show me that she is a negative influence. I abstained from mentioning K's alcoholism, lapses in judgement, and disregard for the well-being of others. It truly hurts me to see this happen, because we had many years of support, laughing, and what I believed was true friendship.

I've never made a conscious, vocal decision such as this, but I believe I made the right choice.

SO MUCH TO UPDATE!

My father is still in a rehabilitation center, though his infection is gone! It will have been about 3 months since he has been home. Of course, it's taking a terrible toll on my mother.
My mom has her parathyroid removed two weeks ago, and she stayed with me, in my apartment, for six days. She needed in-home care, and I simply wasn't willing to let someone else take care of her.

Perhaps this has taken a toll on my body. I have not been working out more than 90 minutes per week, in fact, I didn't exercise much at all last week. When [K] came over, two weeks ago, to tell me about she and [R], I hid my scale. I was not going to give her the pleasure. Isn't that awful? The scale just came back to my bathroom, this week.

Without a steady "buddy" to weigh-in with, talk about obstacles and achievements... I've been feeling lax.

I'm so tired of punishing myself for "feeling sorry" about my actions. Surely, there must be a tight at the end of the tunnel.