I'm sitting here in a café. Just finished work - catching up on emails and getting things done that need to get done in cyberspace. I'm having a green tea and a nice morning.

What I really wanted to talk about is how I felt when I got up this morning, which was: how much longer can I sustain this? The eating thing is going fine. I'm not depriving myself, and I'm eating really well and healthy. I'm happy with that.

The problem I'm having is much more with working out. I've been trying to be active every day, even if it's just for a walk. Where I'm going wrong is that my walk will become a 7-mile walk, or if I'm at the gym on the elliptical, when my 45 minutes are up I'll push myself to go longer... I'm in that sweet spot where I just want to push, push, push so that I can see results faster.

At the same time that I'm aware of that (and that I'm quickly heading to burnout town) I'm still going to the gym when I leave here. Why? Because I'm going out to dinner tonight. I get into this tit-for-tat mentality where I can't do something (potentially unhealthy) unless I do something healthy to balance it (work out). Sounds good, right? But at the same time I get swept up in this thing where I'm always working out or pushing myself to the point that when I wake up in the morning I'm tired at first, even though I'm getting 8 hours sleep. Once I get going I'm fine, but when I'm first rolling out of bed? Let's just say I'm feeling my age.

I know I need to slow down, but there's this obsessive part of me that always says "not today". If I don't go to the gym today and I go to dinner tonight, tomorrow the number on the scale will be HIGHER. I know I shouldn't care about that, but I'm realizing that this is part of my (never-ending) weight-loss pattern: totally kick @ss for a week or two until I can't sustain it anymore, and then gradually gain it all back.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT THIS TIME.

That said, I'm going to go to the gym today. I'm not going to overdo it. I already have a walk scheduled with a friend tomorrow, so I'm going to stick with that. And then this weekend? I'll be active, but I'm not planning any specific exercise.

I need to find a balance here that works with my life. It's very strange to me that at the same time that I'm completely mentally aware of this need that it's so hard for me to actually do.

I'll think about it on the elliptical.

: /