I'm in a funny sort of mood... I feel both positive and negative feelings towards working out/ weight loss / spark etc.
I think for the purpose of this blog.. I want to explore why I might feel any...resistance towards being healthy - try to identify it..
Is it possible I'm _not_ done being the fat girl? I watched The Biggest Loser last night and it was a make over session.. One of the girls, said she forgot that she was a girly girl..when growing up.. and Irene had a lovely tight pink dress on with fur trim and organza lining,
There is more than a strong probability, That I want to be a girly girl.. But basically feel unfeminine. one had said "I feel like a princess!!"
Instantly I can think of limitations that this has caused.. for example, not being able to source a pink gingham apron (or any apron) in my size. Not feeling "feminine" around most men and on occasion dating huge tall specimens of males, just to get this sense of being smaller than someone and how nice that felt.
But why is it.. Despite hundreds of limitations. Every morning as I try to talk myself into "work out time" such resistance ensues and wins.
My inner voice says "I can't be bothered" "it's too much effort, I hate getting sweaty"
While I try to coax it with "I'm worth it" or "if I don't I'll be at risk of diabetes etc"
How come I can't seem to win?
One thing that was quite apparent on "the biggest loser" was the mental shift.. that needs to occur.... from I'm ugly, to I'm beautiful.... I'm worthless to I'm worth taking care of..
Perhaps I've had some negative self talk going on, without my awareness of it.
I wonder if it's deeper than that.. it certainly feels deep rooted.
When I was of an impressionable age.. about 15, I was ... very beautiful, i think. I started doing a tiny bit of modelling, other guys asked me out a lot, not that i said yes or anything, and i got a lot of attention from the boys. I was singled out by the girls in my class and teased. I hated it, I never flirted or wanted the attention, so when they followed me around and taunted me and stopped talking to me all together it impacted me deeply, I no longer wanted attention from boys... (reputation is important in a small town, it stays for life) I recall them calling me a slut actually...
And basically. I decided I had to not be beautiful and not talk. This is possibly the event that triggered a ten year battle with social phobia.
- I am wondering if it also triggered a 15 year battle with my weight? and other self worth issues. probably.
So to my self conscious - being thin and beautiful is fundamentally unsafe. And very interesting, last year I got down to about 96kgs by running.. and a girl at my church who had just taken up fitness instructing complimented me on my weight loss. I freaked out, stopped going to church and put the weight back on.
I mean I can look at my life now, I'm a grown up.. The girl at church was only being supportive, no one is going to pick on me now.. and if they did, i could handle it, and it wouldn't need to ruin my life... What is so dangerous about being the center of attention anyway?
Interesting I just wrote that cos a memory came to mind.. (funny when you ask yourself questions your brain comes up with the answer). A similar time span, being young and walking down the street in a city, away from my small home town.. men would yell out of their car windows and stop their cars to look at me.
That to me is .. _horrific_ Perhaps I see it as a source of sexual idolatry or as we say in our culture being a sex object and nothing more.
Being overweight allows me to assess people's fondness of me, not on my beauty but on my character and wit.
And may also, be an excuse.. to allow me to be socially isolated.
At the end of the day tho, some men still find me beautiful...and those sorts of men always will.. and I'm aging so it's wearing off.. It's at a comfortable scale now.
I can totally imagine living my life with self confidence.. because I have a friend who lives her life that way.. and to be quite honest. I'm not at all keen on the idea.
On the other hand... I didn't plan on being hideous. lol. My midrif is gaining weight quite rapidly , which is the most dangerous place to gain it. It is because of my PCOS - I have massive insulin levels in my blood and .. basically I can't burn sugar and store it instead. - I just wish it wasn't THERE.
It's so funny... the way a brain makes a close circuit about an idea.
" i am worthless therefore I am not beautiful"
"I can not be beautiful because that makes me worthy"
whether it's truth or not...based on reality or not.. it all makes sense in the scale of "survival"
It's lovely that my brain has tried to protect me from emotional trauma without my trying to.
I guess I should thank it...
I wore a hot teal dress to the same church last year.. I had done my hair and make up. I was dating a lovely man at the time who made me feel happy and in love and hopeful.. and it impacted on me. 36 people came up to me and said I looked beautiful (even at my weight). And it made me very uncomfortable.. so much so i went home instantly and skipped the church lunch. (despite packing food for it)
I wonder...... what if i exposed myself to this more, got dressed up, went out.. and learned to cope in this environment... then i might feel a bit of safety..... in becoming healthy?
I guess I say this because, Denial doesn't actually work. lol,
Perhaps instead of saying "I'm done being the fat girl" (this is not actually a word i use to label myself but an inspiring group here on spark people), I could say
"I'm done acting as tho i'm worthless"
because the truth is, I AM beautiful and I AM worthy and I was designed and put here..and to say anything less is a lie.
Maybe I too..... am a princess?