Tuesday, May 29, 2012
today, when i went to do my quiet time again, i found myself AGAIN with the woman at the well.. i felt i relate to her too much. i didn't want to be there again. but i have to be. i didn't have a quiet time for 2 days. and i was so down. I STILL AM!
but today, i read about the woman at the well, and the point was, she was confronted for using everything to fill her up but God and it wasn't working. she is in a better position than me. she didn't know any better. she didn't really know God. but that is not true of me.
i wrote this evening, about how tangibly i understand this food to be a drug. i love the initial high. i love the feeling. it's just a part of..... me.
but then i get the side effects. the problem with my system where it seizes my insides up if i have the wrong foods. the sickness in my stomach and my heart from overeating, or eating food that i know my body cannot take. and i think: i can't do this again. i am done.
but days of right eating go by, and i forget the misery. i forget my vow never to do that again. and i fight my body but i lose the battle. and i am not satisfied. i am not happy. i crave more. and then am miserable. and have hardened my heart to keep practicing this cycle to my grave.
but that woman left her jar at the well. she left her junk. her unfilling, her disatisfying, miserable, depressing jar.
that is my prayer today. i leave my sin--overeating and misery==at the well. i never go back to it. i never want something more or different. just God. because without him, i will never ever ever be satisfied. and that is not a new teaching. i have had that lesson before. i need to stick with it, go over it, learn it learn it learn it.