Tuesday, May 29, 2012
I joined sparkpeople just a short while after quitting smoking. I have been an ex-smoker now for eight months, I had problems getting logged in to Spark for a while, and when I could get logged in I couldn't figure out how to post a blog until today. I blog because it seems to help me work out things when I am able to write/type them out. I used to write on Myspace faithfully until I was without internet for a couple years. I quit smoking, after many failed attempts by going on www.becomeanex.org and blogging there. And now, I have gained over thirty pounds while quitting smoking, I eat all the time, and I am depressed for a huuge combination of reasons, I am 1300 miles away from everything I ever knew, people are horrible and rude, i got screwed over by my employer, and I have no friends here...just to name a few of the reasons.
I am glad I quit smoking, I had a horrible time trying and trying to quit smoking all the time and now that I am quit, I am grateful, and I am solid in my quit. I have taught myself that to smoke again ever means that I am back to day one of my quit, and I had a horrible experience on day one of my quit, so, I will never smoke again.
Now, I can't stop eating, or rather, I can't stop myself from satisfying cravings when I have them, which is often. I crave sweet, I eat sweet, I crave salty, i eat salty, i crave, i eat, and I have gained 30 pounds. With my height according to BMI measurements, I should "ideally" weigh between 119 and 126 pounds, I currently weigh 180.
I also grew up with a mother who was definably severely obese for most of my childhood and youth, and she was miserable. And other people made her miserable. I don't want to get to that point, but I am headed in that direction if I don't do something. But gaining and losing some weight has always been kind of normal for me but now I am depressed about it, and about being laid off my job, and about not being able to find enough work to be able to be somewhat independant and not need to beg for money monthly, and about having a college degree and not being able to find relevant employment, and about being so broken hearted about everything and still not being able to do anything about it, it all just kind of compounds on itself and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, who listens or gives a damn and my parents don't need to hear about how crappy I feel every time i talk to them especially because we are so far away from each other.
I need someone to talk to, and I need someone to listen, and I need someone to get to know me, and to understand what I am going through and to try to be my friend and help me make it through a hard time, Moving so far away from everything and everyone I knew I have nothing (or at least that is the way I feel about it right now) and I just need SOMEONE to tell me that it is okay to feel this (spark censored me and told me no profanity, f you spark) about my life right now but that they will be my friend and try to walk with me through this and hope there is something better.
This.....is why I blog, I can be more honest with myself when I can feel like no one can judge me about it. Thanks spark for making it where I can post blogs now.