I don't really know how to begin this, so I'm just going to start writing and see what happens....
As you may have known, I was away for a few days to do, what I like to call, root pulling; I had to do some internal work, to get out all of the bad stuff that I've ingrained in myself. If you've never pulled a root before, let me tell you, it's hard! Holy crap! Darn things are more stubborn than I am! And that's saying something! It's ridiculous.
After much prayer and research I decided that the best thing for me, was a fast. I really felt like that was what I needed to do to pull some of my roots. And to clarify, when I say fast I mean a spiritual fast, not a medical fast or a hunger strike or anything like that. A fast where I focus on God, and not me and especially not food.
Do you realize how slowly a day goes by when you don't eat? Pete's sake! I never realized how much time I spend just thinking about food. I am not proud to say that it's hours and hours. Then there's the time you spend preparing the food, then eating the food and cleaning up. That's a whole mess of time dedicated to food! I was honestly spending almost my entire waking day on food, in one way or the other... That realization does not sit well with me, at all. It's not even like food and I have a great relationship or anything... Food never takes me out, or compliments me; it never gives me advice or laughs with me. It just makes me poor, sick and depressed. (It literally did make me poor. I can't, nor would I even if I could, tell you how much money I have spent on food. I've gone into debt over food. And more than once at that.)
I keep saying things in the past tense even though my roots are far from gone because I refuse to accept them anymore. I'm done welcoming them as a part of me and I want them to know that their time will soon be up, so start packing those bags, sweetcheeks! My mind is going to be the hardest thing to change, so I think it needs to get used to the idea.
But, back to the fasting...
I started fasting on Friday. Just water, and other non-caloric, non- caffeinated beverages (I decided to allow the other beverages until the hunger pangs subsided, then I'd switch to plain ol' H to the O), and the hunger pains were not nearly as bad as I thought they'd be. The bad part is how much I was thinking about food. It'd be embarrassed if I hadn't quit that already. I started craving tuna fish, and I don't even like fish! (although I can handle tuna). The minutes crept by, and I tried just to keep my mind off of food, worked hard at keeping my mind on God, and allowing Him to do His thing, and for the time that I succeeded in that, it wasn't bad at all. I was hungry, but I could deal. I had seltzer water, some Propel, some Diet Rite (no caffeine, no calories, no sodium and no carbs - win!) and some regular water. I even sat with my family while they ate and I wasn't crying on the inside. I managed to go two and a half days, my longest fast ever, and I was doing pretty good. Then *bum bum bum* I made my mistake. I decided to weigh myself. I said "I'm just curious..." You've heard the phrase, "Curiosity killed the cat"? yeah well, it killed my fast too. Efficiently at that. As soon as that number popped up, and I saw I had lost weight, it turned into, "man, I wonder how much weight I could lose if I stayed on this fast for a month?" Error! Error! Error! It totally massacred my fast.
So I made a decision. I made the decision to eat. I decided to get my focus back where it needs to be and then start again. I'm not angry at myself. I never really fasted before so, I just look at this as a learning experience. If anything, I'm proud of myself for just doing it, and I'm even more sure now, that fasting is the right thing for me. Just something I need to keep at until I get it.
I know this root pulling thing is going to take me awhile, but I'm bringing out the big guns, so I can kill this thing dead.
You know how I roll.