Monday, May 28, 2012
Do any of you have this concern?
I worry that, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how healthy/in shape I get, I will always have the Fat Girl mentality. I worry that, when a guy is looking in my direction, he's noticing my muffin top or thinking that I could stand to lose a few. That he could never possibly be thinking, 'Damn, I need to meet her!'
I definitely have a 'type' of guy. Taller, bigger, stronger. I want to feel safe, secure, protected and smaller in his arms. Those stats should be changing as my body does, but no. The Fat Girl inside says I still need a larger guy, so I don't feel like I'd be snapping him like a twig, haha. And that's the truth. I'm just not physically attracted to slender guys. I don't think that will ever change. (Not that I'm complaining!)
While I am getting so much support and boatloads of compliments these days, inside I am still the Fat Girl. I don't understand the attention. I don't know how to accept it without being skeptical. I was discussing this with a SparkleLovely this morning.
I have had guy friends my entire life, and usually more of them than girl friends. They're less catty and less drama, in my opinion. However, I have always been the go-to friend for guys to talk to about sports, inappropriate jokes and other girls, the 'pretty' girls. I've always been 'one of the guys'.
Now, these guy friends are asking if I want to be friends with benefits. Yeah, several of them. I think it's at 6 or 7 now. I find most of my guy friends attractive and we're probably compatible - that's why we became friends in the first place. We get along. I refuse to settle for that. While, yes, it is flattering that they see me in a sexual way, it is sooo hurtful, which they don't realize. I'm still me. I'm still Shelby. I'm the girl who always wished one of them would just tell me I was beautiful. But to them, I'm still not good enough for anything more than just some bow-chicka-bow-bow.
And because these guy friends have suggested the FWB arrangement, I'm questioning any potential future relationships. If no one ever noticed me then, I know exactly why someone would be noticing me now. And that hurts my heart.
When a guy finally tells me I'm beautiful, I'm afraid I'll go back to being the Fat Girl. I'll think to myself, 'If he's interested in this, what's wrong with him? What's his damage?' And I will sabotage the entire thing.
I knew weight loss would prevent future health issues, but now it's bringing up so many other emotional issues. I want to fall in love with someone who thinks I'm smoking hot and smart as hell with a sharp wit and addictive smile. Is that too much to ask for? LoL
I hope that, if and when he finds me, the Fat Girl will disappear.
I'll just be Shelby. In love.