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    WUBBY82   35,139
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Always the Fat Girl

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Monday, May 28, 2012

Do any of you have this concern?

I worry that, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how healthy/in shape I get, I will always have the Fat Girl mentality. I worry that, when a guy is looking in my direction, he's noticing my muffin top or thinking that I could stand to lose a few. That he could never possibly be thinking, 'Damn, I need to meet her!'

I definitely have a 'type' of guy. Taller, bigger, stronger. I want to feel safe, secure, protected and smaller in his arms. Those stats should be changing as my body does, but no. The Fat Girl inside says I still need a larger guy, so I don't feel like I'd be snapping him like a twig, haha. And that's the truth. I'm just not physically attracted to slender guys. I don't think that will ever change. (Not that I'm complaining!)

While I am getting so much support and boatloads of compliments these days, inside I am still the Fat Girl. I don't understand the attention. I don't know how to accept it without being skeptical. I was discussing this with a SparkleLovely this morning.

I have had guy friends my entire life, and usually more of them than girl friends. They're less catty and less drama, in my opinion. However, I have always been the go-to friend for guys to talk to about sports, inappropriate jokes and other girls, the 'pretty' girls. I've always been 'one of the guys'.

Now, these guy friends are asking if I want to be friends with benefits. Yeah, several of them. I think it's at 6 or 7 now. I find most of my guy friends attractive and we're probably compatible - that's why we became friends in the first place. We get along. I refuse to settle for that. While, yes, it is flattering that they see me in a sexual way, it is sooo hurtful, which they don't realize. I'm still me. I'm still Shelby. I'm the girl who always wished one of them would just tell me I was beautiful. But to them, I'm still not good enough for anything more than just some bow-chicka-bow-bow.

And because these guy friends have suggested the FWB arrangement, I'm questioning any potential future relationships. If no one ever noticed me then, I know exactly why someone would be noticing me now. And that hurts my heart.

When a guy finally tells me I'm beautiful, I'm afraid I'll go back to being the Fat Girl. I'll think to myself, 'If he's interested in this, what's wrong with him? What's his damage?' And I will sabotage the entire thing.

I knew weight loss would prevent future health issues, but now it's bringing up so many other emotional issues. I want to fall in love with someone who thinks I'm smoking hot and smart as hell with a sharp wit and addictive smile. Is that too much to ask for? LoL

I hope that, if and when he finds me, the Fat Girl will disappear.

I'll just be Shelby. In love.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GATEAUX981 6/26/2012 10:18PM

    I worry about the same thing.
I thought about that today, funny how I came accross this blog right when I needed it!

I try to tell myself everyday that being overweight, (and now struggling to lose the weight) has given me a rare perspective on life, it has made me a more empathetic and kind person, and makes me value my health more, (maybe because I have taken it for granted for so long).
If I feel like the "fat girl" forever, and that means I maintain all the good qualities I have attained, then I don't regret being the fat girl. I think it made me a better person for it.

It took alot of character and strength on your part to lose weight in the first place. You will meet someone who loves you for the awesome, sensitive, empathetic, strong woman that you are, today, tomorrow and forever! emoticon

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MRSBRENT06 6/24/2012 7:42AM

    Any guy who propositions you with FWB is NOT relationship material!! Movies make us believe these guys will fall in love with us if we start off as FWB but the truth is the moment you settle for less than you deserve you end up with even less than that. Men who are looking for the "right" woman are looking for someone who is strong, passionate about the things she loves, has self confidence(not the kind that says "Hey look at me, I know I'm beautiful!!" but the kind that doesn't down herself after every compliment. He is looking for a woman who won't compromise her integrity for anything or anyone. He is looking for the good girl who he can bring home to mom and be proud of her and could see her as the mother of his children one day. He is looking for someone who is proud of herself and her accomplishments. BE YOU. The right guy for you will see these things and love you and treat you with respect and love, not like a girl who is worthy of FWB status. You look amazing and beautiful and YOU did that, be proud and instead of worrying about a relationship-work on yourself first. Be the woman that a man needs not a woman who needs a man. Find yourself and work out all your inner demons first and when you are in a good healthy place emotionally then you are ready to find Mr. Right For You:-) Just my humble opinion.

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LBRONT1 6/23/2012 1:06PM

  I feel like you just took the words right out of my mouth. I recently lost a lot of weight according to the scale, but I don't FEEL any smaller. I have begun to get a lot more attention from guys lately and although its awesome, I question if it is just because of my appearance or if they really like me for me. It is affecting my relationships all around and just how I act in public. I often avoid going out and hanging with friends cause I am afraid they will notice that I gained some of the weight back since they last saw me and that that will change how they interact with me. I am kind of just rambling on about nonsense but this blog is so about ME!

My advice is to forget about all the attention from others for now and just focus on loving yourself. That's what I am trying to do. I know it is SUPER hard to not let positive or negative comments linger on your mind but until you truely love and trust yourself you can never love or trust anyone else. Cliche, I know, but I believe this 100%!!!

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GETSLIM121 6/22/2012 6:03PM

    Keep your faith ....In your inner power and everything beautiful in you unlocks and will draw that person to you. Do not settle! Do not take the next best thing it doesn't exist and do not sell yourself short! I am married to a genuine man and time has matured us both and that is worth the wait!!!!!!

PS. Your no longer the fat girl don't claim it

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RKITTIES4EVER 6/22/2012 4:59PM

    WOW! I completely understand where you're coming from. You have just described my life to a T! I wish you luck in your search for a "true" man.

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BEC5060 6/21/2012 12:00PM

    Hi Shelby,
I had a hard time telling if guys were into me, or if they were into me because I was getting slimmer. I dated a guy who seriously just couldnt handle it. I think its the same with some friends in general, the change just makes them think that everything about you is changing and they aren't a part of it. But about year after I lost the weight I met a guy and you know what? Without a single doubt I know that he would have been with me at 285lbs. WITHOUT A DOUBT. And that makes me love him even more. And the doubts that I expected just aren't there. Your guy will come around (and it won't be any of these friends) and you wont even think twice about it.

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ILOVEJIM851991 6/20/2012 7:33PM

    you will find him

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LAUROCHKA 6/20/2012 5:43AM

    Great Blog!
I had a smiliar thing happen a few years ago when I lost a lot of weight. I always hung around with guys as "one of the guys" and after egtiing slimmer they definitely ralted to me differently. It made me sad to think they were that superficial!
Anyway I don't have any answers or advice really just a bit of empathy!
Lxx

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FUZZYBEEZ 6/19/2012 10:26PM

    Yup I have these thoughts also. It's not a pretty place to be when you are thinking the men only want you around for one thing and one thing only. I however have gotten through this by finding new friends. The one's who don't care if I'm 300 pounds or 100 pounds.....they like me for ME. To me they are the one's who deserve my time and my respect. They're true friends.

Keep your head up and don't fall for these idiots. When the right one comes along he'll help you to see that he likes you for YOU. He'll tell you that you're beautiful without any hidden agenda of getting in your pants....he'll say it when you're bloated from that time of the month, when you're covered in mud, in a sexy dress, etc, and he'll say it because he means it! He's out there, don't give up.

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IRONBLOSSOM 6/19/2012 5:48PM

    Yeah, these guys are not worth your time. They're seeing you as "hey, we get to hang out with our gal-pal who WON'T be all girly and 'I wanna relationship-y' with us AND we get to bone! Two-fer!"

Now, if these guy friends had tried to be more than friends when you were at your highest weight and you were only interested in being friends but now they're trying again? That would be one thing. Because they were attracted to YOU not your body. But that's not what's going on here.

I was at my heaviest ever weight when I started dating my boyfriend and I proceeded to put 25 pounds on in the next 2 years. He never really noticed, only that I seemed to have heart burn and be uncomfortable with my weight and my clothes, etc...Now that I'm heading back to where I was when we met, he LOVES looking at me and noticing all the little differences. "I think your stomach is a little flatter here! You've got more curve over here!"

That's what you need, not some d-bag who was happy to "friendzone" you until you achieved his standards of attractiveness.

I think the other thing to remember is that you're losing the weight for YOU, not for them, not even for your future -him-, just for you. And their thoughts about your body can just fold up and fly away on the wind because they're irrelevant. What's relevant is your feelings about your body. Don't disrespect yourself by FWBing any of these guys, they suck.

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FIRESTARINFINI 6/17/2012 10:53PM

    Send this to those guys:

http://youtu.be/k_QDGdbg-QQ


I have the same fears as you. I do want to be in a relationship with a guy, but a guy that makes me feel safe, emotionally. I don't have that from anyone and, the guys I've opened up to have always seen me as a smart, compassionate, undateable girl.

I don't know, if I ever reach my goal weight, how I will handle guys being attracted to me, if I even want to bother, if a guy is only going to talk to me because I look good, not because he finds ME, as a person, attractive.

I'm sorry your friends are douche bags. Dump them. Get better friends. You know, those that respect you.

Comment edited on: 6/17/2012 10:56:50 PM

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BELLA9999 6/10/2012 3:48PM

    I've noticed men from other cultures find women with curves really attractive. Maybe it's the media here, but American men have always commented on my weight, even when I was only 10lbs overweight. Recently though, I was in a supermarket and some guy started a conversation with me. I was surprised, but thought "oh I guess I'm in the game now". In any event, my mind has shifted and this whole journey is about me and who I am becoming. I'm changing who I am inside and out and feeling my power. emoticon

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BOSS61 6/3/2012 6:09AM

    Male of the species weighing in one this one -- appalled by the callousness of my fellow man. Women are people do, and deserving of respect, self-esteem, etc. a relationship based on the right criteria will find you - dump these a-holes and expand your circle circles into a better cadre of prospects. Do it now and don't look back. You never will regret it.

However you are meeting these guys, change it up. Do things you genuinely enjoy, and you will begin to meet other people doing that thing too and have that commonality. Or e-dating... ANYTHING has to be better for your mental health and self-esteem than this.

You deserve more -my merely articulating this I can see it. Now go find it; it's waiting out there. People like me were, by way of example, and also wondering where all the nice girls were who were worth the effort. High time to cut bait with all of your frenemies seeking benefits, re-bait that hook and go fishing for someone better. It's a big sea out there and now go haul one in.

Hope this helped in the constructive manner intended. Respectfully, token male of the species

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WORLDSERIES11 6/3/2012 4:40AM

    I think about this same thing, and am attracted to the same kind of man for the same reasons you mention. Maybe that will change, maybe not. Just would like someone to love me for me. Good luck to us both!

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WINDO4 6/1/2012 4:21PM

    Guys are visually sexual beings. Women are emotional sexual beings. Unfortunately this is just how it is. I believe though it should not excuse them (men) from being tackful kind human beings. The "friends" that now want to be "friends with benefits" should probably be distanced.
The one that doesn't care if you are 120 or 220 pds will come some day and a great day that will be because that visually sexual man will have eyes only for you!


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SANDUR123 6/1/2012 1:41AM

  Shelby, I know how you feel. Pregnant with my son I gained a lot of weight (hey- he was a BIG baby 11lbs....), I got a c-section scar and took me a year to lose the weight . My jerk of an ex-hubby did not appreciate me. Even when i started to lose the weight, and I would get compliments from friends or family around him, he would just shrug it off and say he hasnt noticed any weight loss. I got a HUGE self esteem issue out of the marriage. Even before I gained the extra, extra pounds I'm carrying I still seen the same fat girl in the mirror. WE have to retain our eyes, and our brains to except the HEALTHY girl in the mirror.

I'm not even going to get started on the whole FWB, you dont have enough time to read my rant.

Keep up the success!!!

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GORGEOUS72305 5/31/2012 10:20PM

    I am married and I also have the 'fat girl' issues. This journey has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. I'm sorry I have no advice for you, I just wanted you to know you're not alone and this isn't only something that happens to single girls. emoticon

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CHEEKY1000 5/31/2012 2:08PM

    Here's a thought: Confidence is sexy. By losing weight, it's possible that you're exuding more confidence and that is what they are attracted to. I've dated men who aren't "hot" by Hollywood standards (okay, or any standards) but they were so self-confident and delightful and respectful, I couldn't resist. Don't sell yourself short.

I also think there's an element of self-respect too. I associate being healthy with self-respect. People who respect their bodies live healthier lives--which is also attractive. This connects back to what you said about you yourself not being attracted to bigger men because of the health issues (they don't respect themselves enough to live a healthy life).

Self respect and confidence--not self-indulgence and arrogance--are (at least to me and in my experience) the true traits that are attractive. Your weight loss is a physical manifestation of your burgeoning sense of self-worth. I'm not saying you should take the guys up on their offers, but see the offers in a different light. It's possible they're just superficial buttheads, but then you wouldn't have been friends with them to begin with (at least I don't think so).

Either way, rejoice that you are becoming healthier--physically and emotionally! Yay you!!
emoticon

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MEESHINTHEUK 5/31/2012 10:35AM

    Once you find him, "the one", and he says "you are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, the love of his life and life isn't worth living without you", BELIEVE ME you will see it in his eyes. Eyes DO NOT lie!!!! It will melt all the insecurities away.

Just as you will see past his insecurities, he will see past yours. He will not care about a zit on your chin, hairy legs or about the part of whatever that just won't tone.

You are on a path, bettering yourself. IT IS YOU TIME. This path WILL intersect with someone that is worthy and has been waiting for you, most likely when you least expect it!!!!!!!

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DANGEROUSLAMB81 5/30/2012 6:29PM

    wow these guys have some nerve!

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DEBADEAU 5/30/2012 5:36PM

    I worry about the same thing, or I worry I'll get caught up in the male attention like I did in my early 20s when I wasn't the fat girl. *sigh* I guess I think of it this way... I don't know that I'd want to be with a severely overweight man, I'm not trying to be shallow but then I would worry about his health- guys are the same.

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LULUBELLE65 5/30/2012 7:46AM

    Like LB, I did this dance in my 20s too, and was amazed and annoyed by the number of male friends who suddenly wanted to be more than friends once I had lost weight. And, like LB, I did not choose to partake of their offers. It's insulting really, and says a lot about their judgement.

I have had three grand love affairs in my life. One, the one who was probably the love of my life, loved me when I weighted 145 pounds, and he still loved me when I weighted 260. One only knew me fat, and the third only knew me thin. I don't know that my weight was a significant factor in any of those relationships.

One the other hand, you like who you like. Your taste in men may never change, and it may not be directly related to your size anyway. I personally like tall, skinny, dark-haired, preferably British me, although I tend to like Jewish men as well. That being said, the great love of my life was a big solid dude, and one of the other loves was barely my height.

When you find him, you suddenly realize that really, your type is him, no matter what he looks like.

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DIET-DELIGHT 5/30/2012 1:27AM

    Guys will be guys -- it's genetic and cultural. But there are guys who will love you no matter what, so wait for that, and maybe tell your "friends" how it makes you feel when they ask you to be FWB. Invite them have a real discussion and learn something new. If you don't like what they say, get some new friends, or just think of them as a certain kind of friend (i.e. not the best kind). You deserve to get what you give.

It will take some time to think of the healthy you as YOU. If you stay healthy from now on, at some point it will be like you were always that way (esp. if you have a short memory like me!). But never forget that it's hard work to be healthy and to be in healthy relationships -- being lazy doesn't doesn't get good results (I KNOW...).

Cheers and Spark on!

Dana in Oakland, California

emoticon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 5/29/2012 11:34PM

    OH SHELBY! I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE QUESTIONING SOMETHING (THIN ENOUGH?, STRETCH MARKS, LOOSE SKIN, FLABBY ARMS, GOOSE NECK, HAIRY LEGS, FACIAL HAIR, HAIR STYLE, OUTFIT, SHOES, ETC, ETC, ETC). I TOTALLY GET IT. I ALSO HAVE HAD THE GUY THING HAPPEN TO WHERE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF BEING A SEX PARTNER AND THEN WITH WEIGHT LOSS AND TA~DA, YOU ARE! PLEASE! WHEN I WAS IN THERAPY AND SINGLE, I LOST WEIGHT AND GAINED IT AND STRUGGLED WITH THE ISSUE...MY THERAPIST SAID THERE ARE MORE MEN TO CHOOSE FROM IF YOU ARE NOT OVER WEIGHT...BUT I SAID, I KNOW THAT MIGHT BE TRUE, BUT I DO NOT WANT INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO IF I GAIN WEIGHT WILL NO LONGER FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, EXPECT ME TO LOSE WEIGHT, ETC. I LOST SOME WEIGHT, BUT I DID NOT GET "THIN"...AND I MET MY HUSBAND! HE WAS THINNER THAN I WAS (HE NO LONGER IS THIN) AND I, TOO, THOUGHT IT BETTER TO HAVE A BIGGER GUY, BUT THAT IS NOT HOW LOVE WORKS! WE BECAME FRIENDS, AS HE WORKED WHERE I DID FOR A SUMMER WHILE HE FINISHED COLLEGE. WHEN HE WENT TO LEAVE AT THE END OF SUMMER WE REALIZED WE WERE MORE THAN FRIENDS...WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS THIS JUNE! I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT...AND WHEN BOTH MY KNEES BECAME BONE ON BONE WITH ARTHRITIS, AND DUE TO MEDICATIONS AND INACTIVITY, I GAINED ALOT OF WEIGHT MY HUSBAND NEVER CARED...I HAVE LOST OVER ONE HUNDRED POUNDS AND AM 40 POUNDS FROM THE WEIGHT I WAS MARRIED. THIS MAN LOVES ME, LOVES MY BODY AND I AM ABLE TO ACCEPT THAT...IMPERFECTIONS AND ALL...AND THAT IS MY POINT...WE ARE ALL IMPERFECT. WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT OTHERS OFTEN DO NOT SEE OR DON'T CARE. MEN HAVE STRETCH MARKS, FOLD, SCARS, ETC., TOO. YOU ARE SHELBY AND SHELBY DESERVES TO BE LOVED JUST THE WAY SHE IS...END OF STORY. SO TRY NOT TO PICK AT YOURSELF...IT IS WHAT IT IS...AND THAT IS FINE. AS FOR THE GUY FRIENDS WHO WANT FWB...I AM AFRAID I WOULD SAY WHY WOULD I WANT THAT NOW? IF ONE HAPPENS TO ASK YOU ON A REAL DATE...THEN YOU WILL KNOW HE IS DIFFERENT. YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT GUY!
LOVE & HUGS,
MARY emoticon

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LBFROMBUFAD 5/29/2012 8:53PM

    When I was 27 I dropped 87 pounds and all these guys that I had been friends with all started kind of hitting on me. It really struck me that the only reason why they had never hit on me before -- and I had thought it was because we just didn't get down like that, I thought it was mutual respect/friendship/we knew each other too well, etc. -- was that I had lost a lot of weight and looked pretty good. It freaked me out and pissed me off.

I made it a policy to put them and any other man I knew who didn't want me when I was fat on "The List" -- the list of guys who were NEVER GONNA GET SOME OF THIS. emoticon Dudes can be SOOOoooOoo dumb sometimes.

The bottom line is your outside is changing, but you're probably more confident and self-assured, too. That's also really attractive. I would not even worry about these clowns and just keep being Shelby. Get involved in something you love and THAT is where you are going to meet HIM - the one that *has* to talk to you right before he goes to bed. He won't want to be FWB, because he's gonna wanna get you off the market. That's exactly what you deserve, and keep being you, and you'll get that.

And that Fat Girl in your head? IT might take her a while to catch up with the rest of you. Be kind to yourself.

Comment edited on: 5/29/2012 8:54:00 PM

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LEMONADESLUGGER 5/29/2012 8:33PM

  When you get a hair cut, not a trim but a cut, you feel different. Sometimes it takes you a month to get use to your new style.

When you loose weight and alter your body now that takes awhile to get use too. Especially if you where overweight for a rather long-time.... It sucks, but you're not alone and eventually you'll get better.

Good work on the weight-loss btw!

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XXBAYLEAFXX 5/29/2012 6:05PM

    You are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. I feel the exact same way and always have. Regardless of what I weigh or how much weight I lost, I still feel like the fat kid. I've grown to have a love/hate relationship with it.

What matters is doing things for you. Doing things that make you happy and content with how life is going. What your friends are doing isn't right but men do what men do sometimes. Don't let it drag you down. You will find the guy you are looking for who is willing to accept all of you for how you are. Just keep your eyes open. You never realize where this someone may show up in your life.

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RESTORETOSANITY 5/29/2012 4:00PM

  As someone who dropped weight in their 20's and ran screaming cause she couldn't handle the attention, I can tell you, be easy on yourself. Give yourself a break, give yourself time to heal. Healing is what this is about. Reach out to the women who have been able to deal with these issues. I have only just begun to lose again and that's my strategy :)

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KBRADFORD88 5/29/2012 1:54PM

    I'm sure you've had lots of advice about this but, I'll add my two cents in this.
1. A real guy will love you and will love you without sex.
2. My husband has seen me big skinny pregnant and he took the whole package even when I haven't
3. feeling fat is a feeling. It;s a hard battle to fight and one not taken lightly.
I suggest good therapy:)
4. You are worth a guy who will love you for you and not what you can put out. Please think about this long and hard. You are worth being loved. Whatever your weight.

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THEEASYKILL30 5/29/2012 12:55PM

    I personally would never judge someone for a FWB relationship. However, what I do find very insulting is that these "friends" of yours are bringing this up now. What? You weren't good enough before? It's only because you lost weight? I'd reconsider if these are really friends at all.

It sounds cheesy to say but honestly, the right person will love you or want you no matter your size. They will only see YOU, not the packaging that surrounds you. Yes, you DO deserve the best. I know you know this but sometimes it takes awhile for it to sink in.

And honey, you are totally HOT STUFF. You go out there and meet someone new. You work that HOT STUFF!

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WOLFSPIRITMOM 5/29/2012 12:10PM

    Nice to get the compliments but I would wait for the friend with possibilities (FWP)! When you learn to love yourself, the right one will show up - been there, done that!

Comment edited on: 5/29/2012 12:11:46 PM

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LADYJ6942 5/29/2012 11:57AM

    To fit that inner fat girl, believe me we have all had this battle a time or two or twelve, lol, you've got to find love for yourself and believe no matter what you deserve the best in everything and then put forth the effort and work to find it.

For me being thick and teased in school as fat by the boys, having no father I have had to fight my way through a lot of self rejection and some crappy relationships and found thta each time I stand my ground for me, I not only win but move one step closer to what I truly desire. This past year I flirted with a lot of men, had a few dates here and there but if they started hinting at FWB or anything along those lines it was time to take me home and see ya later because I wanted and know I'm worth better.

The wait paid off and I've got a wonderful man who while on the chunky side himself is supportive of my continued efforts, makes me laugh, blush, giggle like a school girl and just feel more loved then I already am. He too is striving for improved health and weight loss and I'm a part of that too.

Hang in there,the right one will come along when the time is right but until keep tht fly swatter handy!


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CHANGINGSAM 5/29/2012 10:36AM

    First off, way to go for seeing that you are worth more than just a friends with benefits relationship and shame on them for even asking.

However, I think the biggest problem is that you need to learn to love yourself. You are beautiful just the way you are. Once you beginning to love yourself and stop looking for a relationship, then one will fall right into your lap. Just take time to love life and do the things you want to do.

Things will fall into place. Just live. emoticon

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SDORTON2 5/29/2012 8:08AM

  Good for you for seeing more value in yourself than that! You have worked hard and deserve better. Wait for the guy that treasures all of you and don't ever settle for someone that just wants you to be their toy. You and women everywhere need to know they are worth so much more than that.
Respect yourself and don't accept anything less from others. When your Prince comes and he will, he will see you for the treasure you are and love you all the more for it!

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LRSILVER 5/29/2012 6:54AM

    As you lose the weight, you body image will change. You will soon see yourself as a healthy pretty woman who is thin. People will see you that way too. You will meet men who see the real you and don't want to have a FWB relationship, that can't be healthy for you now. You are doing great, hopefully some of your friends can support what you are accomplishing.
Hugs.

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NEWTINK 5/29/2012 6:07AM

    Good Morning Shelby , You know I am one of your biggest fans. You are simply wonderful However I dont know what to say to make these feelings better for you. When you find the right guy you will know and when he finds out about your journey to a healthier you he will be supportive and compassionate to the part that is gone at that point. And you will get past this as you have every other obstacle that has came up. emoticon

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MONICA_W 5/28/2012 11:21PM

    Hey sweetie - your brain will eventually catch up. You're fantastic and these are just dumb boys who already have you filed under "friends" and can't seem to make the leap out of that category. You're worth more than that - and don't let them get away without letting them know it!
Any "fresh" acquaintances you meet from this point onward won't ever suspect you are a used-to-be-chubbier girl, can't judge you as That Fat Girl, and will only know you as the shiny, big-hearted, funny, lively, gorgeous, kind, lovely girl that you know you are. Those are the attributes that matter; weight is such a tiny portion, and it's nearly gone. In its place comes fitness, health, and vivacity. It takes a little while for your perception of yourself to catch up, but with a healthy attitude, it will - then the world won't be able to stop you! Take it from me - I met my fiance almost three years ago while I was still in that part-way-through-the-weight-loss phase, and there's never been any doubting or self-consciousness on either side of our relationship. Forget the chumps, don't settle, and keep your head up until Mr. Right comes along, because he will!

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INGBADEN 5/28/2012 9:16PM

    This really spoke to me.

I was always friends with more men than women too. It would always seriously mess with my head when they would start throwing out the innuendo and suggest similar situations.

I am happily married now. It will happen, with me it was when I couldn't have cared less.

Stay strong

Light and Love emoticon

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PLUSSIZEWIFE 5/28/2012 8:51PM

    i don't want to speak for anyone but i think most of us just want someone who is going to love us at any size because it's not the size that matters it's us, right?! if they can only love us fit then what happens when we gain a few pounds, do we get thrown to the curb? idk, stick in there... you'll find someone as amazing as you who loves you for you.

Comment edited on: 5/28/2012 8:53:07 PM

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TENGELS82 5/28/2012 8:51PM

    I completely know what you're talking about! I recently reconnected with a bunch of guy friends from college and got a bunch of unwanted purely physical attention (luckily it was at least from their friends and not from them all that much). I blogged about it, but basically all guys talked about was my boobs. I had the same reaction wondering if that's all guys are ever going to want me for, physical reasons.

Over the past two years I've been involved with 3 guys who seemed genuinely interested in me in the beginning (taking me out on dates, inquiring about me, my family, my life, telling me how great I am, etc.) and then after a month or so we'd fall into this rut where I'd notice it became more about hanging out in groups doing something social and being physical afterward and less about going on dates and really getting to know one another. Then we'd part ways and almost immediately I'd find out that they were in a relationship with someone else (a real relationship, not the half assed crap I was getting). So essentially they were keeping me around until they found the person they actually wanted to be in a relationship with. Anyway, it's made me skeptical that I'll find someone that loves everything about me and doesn't just think I'm cool enough to hang out with and hot enough to sleep with.

Luckily, though, I do value myself enough to know that I will eventually find a person that loves all of me. I get along with just about everyone, I'm smart, funny, kind, easy going and I love sex (TMI?), who wouldn't want to date that?? Lol, anyway I just came to the realization that I need to put sex on the backburner, spend a bit more time really seeing if I could be in a relationship with someone (rather than going with my initial instinct which has clearly steered me wrong) and then when we are intimate it will mean so much more.

Just take it one day at a time, start telling yourself you're beautiful each day and when you meet the right person and they treat you right and tell you you're beautiful you won't have any problem believing them. :-)

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TORIAMAE 5/28/2012 8:48PM

    It's so disconcerting when our minds and bodies aren't quite on the same page.

I'm assuming that you haven't lost it and gone ape $hit on one of your guy friends for suggesting the FWB arrangement and for that I congratulate you.

Because I've always had the same issue...namely, how would I cope with the idea that suddenly I am more "worthy" of romantic interest because I am thinner. I'm still ME...in so many ways, the same person I've always been. But all of a sudden I'm worth consideration for more than friend material? So frustrating...

I wish I had more wisdom for you, but all I can say is you deserve better in a partner. Really.

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ALMONDFACE 5/28/2012 8:17PM

    FWB??? Oh what a silly boy.

You are beautiful and it takes a matured man to see the inside first. emoticon

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WUMPASTAR 5/28/2012 8:13PM

    I think when you get healthier and fitter, you get this glow that only healthy people have. I think that's the attractive part. Obviously, guys will always be more interested in a thinner girl. That just won't change, and I've come to accept that. BUT guys will also be more interested in a girl that looks confident, a girl who glows. Obviously the mentality will fade away with time, but that's all it takes. Time. It's gonna be long. I still have it sometimes too. Even if I have a boyfriend and even if I've been with him for 4 years and a half - from 185 pounds to 205 to 166 now.
You're not a Spark motivator for nothing, Shelby :) you ARE motivating and you DESERVE good stuff. I hope you have a wonderful week!

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AMANDA_C 5/28/2012 7:47PM

    I met my husband when I weighed 150-ish...then ballooned to 210-ish. He loved me through the whole weight gain & now through the weight loss. He has gained right along side me & is losing along side me too (although only due to me not keeping certain foods around...).

You will find someone who loves you no matter what size you are, with or without make-up (I'm a "without" gal myself), even when you are PMS-ing and when you don't feel lovable. You will find exactly the perfect guy for you, don't worry about it - way easier said than done I know. Just be you & he will show up one day when you least expect it.

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NIKKIV2 5/28/2012 7:43PM

    You deserve to find that love and 1 day you will! I used to think I would never meet a nice guy that wanted more than FWB. Then one night it just happened! Shelby it will happen, just stay true and strong to yourself!

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RUNNERRACHEL 5/28/2012 7:41PM

    There are many positives to losing weight, not just the obvious hot bod you are now sporting, but also the confidence, the energy, the enthusiasm. Maybe you had all that before you started the Spark process but maybe it's shining out and people are noticing. Yes, guys can be...guys. But not all guys. Try not to take offense. Once guy friends see you as a friend it's hard to change that perspective. I know it can feel hurtful and yucky to feel like you are being evaluated by your outside appearance. It is not you. It's them.

And since you exude energy and confidence and glow from within, others will and have already seen it. And now that you hike trails and pump iron(?) and do all the other awesome things you do, you will attract a similarly awesome and confident person. Concentrate on you right now and eventually when the time is right... Well, you know...

If you find a great guy then he will love you for who you are on the inside. My husband never noticed when I gained weight. He doesn't even remember. He loves me for me. And he's a great guy--they are out there.

You are great and worthy of someone great.

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TANYA602 5/28/2012 7:29PM

    Oh Shelby, my dear. You are me 25 years ago! I grew up as one of the few girls in my neighborhood, heard all the time that I was the nice girl that one day guys would take home to meet their parents but not date in the meantime, and two of my very best friends ever are guys. I didn't date much and when I was at my thinnest I had the same FWB thing come up. ack! Don't settle for that, Shelby! You are seriously one of the real ones out there with your sense of humor, your positive outlook, and obviously you have a sensitive soul. And you are health conscientious, to boot! So.....when you least expect it, expect it.
emoticon
When I met my husband I seriously questioned him - seriously! Like why would he pick me flowers, not the cute monorail driver? Why this and why that? We have been together 24 years now and he is my best friend. He tells me that I am one of the most consistent people he knows (even in middle age he thinks I am sane! ahhh haaaa haaa!) and I even marvel that I still turn him on - hehehe.
Have fun! But always stay true to yourself. How lucky are people to know you?!


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GRACEMCC45 5/28/2012 7:15PM

    The mentality really takes time. It's interesting for me, I still see myself at about 25 lbs ago, in the 160s. Not over 200 where I started, but I'm still thinking I'm larger than I am. It will come with time.

Take some time to explore yourself and your new body, your new routines and outlook on your future. Buy some sexy lingerie - just for you! Even just some cute undies in a new size can make a world of difference, and it truly is only for you!

And no - don't settle for being a FWB - you deserve to find love in its truest form.

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PIXIEWIXIE 5/28/2012 7:09PM

    Ah, this is a great question. I ask myself this too. It is such a fine line between being attractive and being a sexual object.There is something safe about being the fat girl, you can pretty much reason that anyone who is interested is drawn to our personality. I think there are a few ways around it though, well, this is theory, since I too am used to being the friend of the attractive one, not the girl herself... I think delay the "bow-chicka-bow-bow" (haha, I love that) for a bit with a new guy. The ones only interested in "one thing" won't stick around on a promise and the ones interested in our sparkling wit and charm will not mind waiting a little while. I really do find that guys either have us down as "FWB" material or serious material from a very early stage. I know there will be guys screaming at me, "Not me!", ok, I'm generalising, but I think once a girl is in the FWB category it is very hard to get transferred into the serious category. Well, I'm waiting to be proven wrong by a really wonderful gentleman... tall, strong and kind for me too, here here to not wanting to be a whale beside a willowy guy! :-)

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