Sunday, May 27, 2012
So I'm not sure if anyone else has felt this or had this kind of thought, but I want to write a little about it.
So I am 19 and have never had a real boyfriend before and for whatever reason, within myself, I have decided that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone until I am comfortable with my body and can fully love myself. I mean that's reasonable, right? It may sound a bit strange coming from someone who may be pretty young, but I have been told I have many years on me regardless of my 'actual' age. Anyways...when I started high school is very much wanted a boyfriend, like most teenage girls would, but since I wasn't comfortable with myself I wasn't attracting a boyfriend I suppose. I think I was attracting to be left alone, until I am comfortable with myself, and can give my whole self to someone. Well now that I have been in college a few years, I am soo much wanting a boyfriend, not just to have one, but to have another person to spend time with, to love, and get love in return. I feel that I am half and half ready and not ready. Part of me sooooo very much wants a boyfriend, but the other half is still stuck in that "i am not all that happy with my appearance and self so how can I be loved fully by someone else if I don't fully love myself" kinda thing. So I feel stuck. Any suggestions, ideas???
I think also, since I haven't had a real boyfriend relationship I may feel scared about whether it'll work out or not, which seems a little silly to wonder if a relationship will work out or not, when I don't have one in the first place
. As you can see, I am kind of driving myself crazy with this back and forth stuff.
I feel that I want something so real and raw, just pure and genuine love. That is what I want a relationship to be. I want commitment and the pure want and desire.
Now, I am unsure if much of this makes sense, because it is hard for me to bring out of my head what I am thinking regarding me going back and forth with wanting a relationship and thinking I should wait to focus on that until I am fully loving me. ...Help?