Sunday, May 27, 2012
I am up early these mornings, thankful the sun rises with me. I'm anxious. Every day. My heart pounds. My mind races. Adrenaline pumps.
It is as if my body must be on alert to fight the cancer. Somehow I think restful sleep would be better. Anxiety isn't helpful. I'm not anxious about the surgery (mostly because no one is sharing horror stories and I have only a little idea of what I'm getting in to)
I'm afraid I'll forget something important--mostly wedding details, but also if I've forgotten to talk to someone that I love. And if I'll ever be able to talk to my youngest son at leisure. He has been so busy making a life for himself. I'm proud of him, but I miss him.
And I'm afraid of what I'll say and who I'll be when the heat of the moment comes. I don't want to be either passively sad or bitterly biting. I'm too aware of where I can slip when I forget that I'm well loved and cared for.
But for today--I think walk is in order. The wind can sift out my thoughts. It is not about the past but the future. There is so much to look forward to-