it is along time since i have written a blog and to be honest not certain why i am writting this one today ,just wanted to let people know i am still alive i guess and thank you all for being there for me even though i have not been so presant lately myself.i am way behind on both my friend feed,reading peoples blogs and do challenges for my fitgirls.i am way behind on thanking people personaly for replying to my blogs,friendfeeds and even comments and goodies on my page basically i am way behind.there are two main reasons for this.1-i have been not in a very good place and didn´t want to bring you my friends down with my being down,lol.i know crazy isn´t it. and 2 as most of you will understand.time.i.e family commitments and a very,very slow computer that has only to speeds.dead slow and stop.lol.though i am still down emotionally i am not as mixed up as i was before.life just got in the way basically and was too much.i basically started feeling sorry for myself and questioning why me.which is not usually my way at all and having been like that reacently i now know why it is not usually my way.i was brought up to remember no matter how bad it is by me there is always someone more worse off than me .i forgot that for a bit and started to let self pity get in my way instead of looking forward like i usually do.with the result i avoided the friends that knew me the best on here as i didn´t want them to see behind my facade i had built to see how really bad i was feeling with the result i wasn´t there for them when they needed me.by avoiding them to potect what i thought was myself ment i was also excluding myself out of their life and what was going on with them.so for that i would like to hearty apologize to both susie and joanne and any other of my spark friends who i have let down because of my own self pity and advoidence.well i am fighting my way out of this pit i seem to havedug for my self lately.it didn´t really help me.all it did for me to put some of my weight back(which i didn´t put on my tracker)another advoidence act.but i have started to loose it again and even though i am still up on what i was i have changed the tracker to say that now..i am trying to learn to accept me as i am now.trying to accept that now the drs where before thought my face would fully recover now say that it is going to stay as it is now and will not recover more than it has.D E P R E S S I N G.....YES. L I V A B L E.......HAVE NO CHOICE SO HAS TO BE YES,,,,, before all thios i never thought i was vain,lol.though vanity has a lot to do with how depressed i got it was also the other things that go with it.how i look abnd feel when i eat,how concious i feeol all the time when i am around other people especially strangers.the uncomfortable feeling that is always there,the headaches because the eye is n´t working propably.haveing to wear dark sunglasses at even the lightest bit of sun etc,etc.but there is alot worse in life and i should remember that.the neurologist stopped my ice theraphy and physio theraphy when i went last month.another proof that he things it is now permaent as it really was making no differance,i felt ill nearly everytime after i went and i was being run ragged to be honest with all my theraphys and that of the kids.so being 6 theraphy´s less a week does make a differance which at the time i didn´t realise or appreciate as i was too busy drowning in my own self pity at the news i will stay like this,lol.but that is now over and it is time to learn to appreciate all the stuff i do have again rather than concentrate on the stuff that is not to my likeing lol.as i said time to recognise that things could be worse and to start living up to my name.i have my gp on monday and she will be telling me what test they need to make etc to test me for lupus.the reason she is testing me is that i have two sisters one got diagnosed with lupus three years ago and my second sister also got dianosed as having lupus three weeks ago so my dr thinks i should also be tested now especially as people with anti phosphrate anzi body syndrome which i have often heve lupus as well.i am trying to be positive about this and hope and pray i don´t have this on top of all my other things but if i do i am thinking ,oh well i have lived with it so far so it shouldn´t make much differance to me and my life as it is now.having said that i haven´t really looked that much into the desease and my sisters don´t talk about it much.still fingers crossed i haven´t got it on top of all the other things.now that is out of the way ui am going to start a planb of action.
PLAN OF ACTION:
#start the day by being thankful and thanking the lord for all the good in my life
#start the day with at least 1 km hopefully 2km on the treadmill before waking up the kids
#eat a good breakfast no matter what
#remember to SMILE and use the power of a smile
#do a to do list and try and finish it but don´t stress when i don´t finish it.tomorrow is always another day god willing.
#try not to be too hard on myself and try to be my own best friend instead of my own worse enermy.
#try to sleep more
#even though i don´t think i can catch up on all the blogs here(sorry if i don´t get ropund to yours)try not to get even more behind.
#watch what i eat and find others ways to deal with my emotions than with food,lol.
#this is probably the hardest at the moment but ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM FAILURES IN ALL:
i want to thank you all for stopping by and reading this blog.
i want to thank all who reply to this blog
but most of all i want to thak you for your friendship and always being there for me when i have needed you.without you i wouled never have come as far as i have.for that i want to give you all a yellow rose of friendship
and also my