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    EVER-HOPEFUL   134,429
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lol(had no title but when tried to post said i needed a title)lol

Sunday, May 27, 2012

it is along time since i have written a blog and to be honest not certain why i am writting this one today ,just wanted to let people know i am still alive i guess and thank you all for being there for me even though i have not been so presant lately myself.i am way behind on both my friend feed,reading peoples blogs and do challenges for my fitgirls.i am way behind on thanking people personaly for replying to my blogs,friendfeeds and even comments and goodies on my page basically i am way behind.there are two main reasons for this.1-i have been not in a very good place and didnīt want to bring you my friends down with my being down,lol.i know crazy isnīt it. and 2 as most of you will understand.time.i.e family commitments and a very,very slow computer that has only to speeds.dead slow and stop.lol.though i am still down emotionally i am not as mixed up as i was before.life just got in the way basically and was too much.i basically started feeling sorry for myself and questioning why me.which is not usually my way at all and having been like that reacently i now know why it is not usually my way.i was brought up to remember no matter how bad it is by me there is always someone more worse off than me .i forgot that for a bit and started to let self pity get in my way instead of looking forward like i usually do.with the result i avoided the friends that knew me the best on here as i didnīt want them to see behind my facade i had built to see how really bad i was feeling with the result i wasnīt there for them when they needed me.by avoiding them to potect what i thought was myself ment i was also excluding myself out of their life and what was going on with them.so for that i would like to hearty apologize to both susie and joanne and any other of my spark friends who i have let down because of my own self pity and advoidence.well i am fighting my way out of this pit i seem to havedug for my self lately.it didnīt really help me.all it did for me to put some of my weight back(which i didnīt put on my tracker)another advoidence act.but i have started to loose it again and even though i am still up on what i was i have changed the tracker to say that now..i am trying to learn to accept me as i am now.trying to accept that now the drs where before thought my face would fully recover now say that it is going to stay as it is now and will not recover more than it has.D E P R E S S I N G.....YES. L I V A B L E.......HAVE NO CHOICE SO HAS TO BE YES,,,,, before all thios i never thought i was vain,lol.though vanity has a lot to do with how depressed i got it was also the other things that go with it.how i look abnd feel when i eat,how concious i feeol all the time when i am around other people especially strangers.the uncomfortable feeling that is always there,the headaches because the eye is nīt working propably.haveing to wear dark sunglasses at even the lightest bit of sun etc,etc.but there is alot worse in life and i should remember that.the neurologist stopped my ice theraphy and physio theraphy when i went last month.another proof that he things it is now permaent as it really was making no differance,i felt ill nearly everytime after i went and i was being run ragged to be honest with all my theraphys and that of the kids.so being 6 theraphyīs less a week does make a differance which at the time i didnīt realise or appreciate as i was too busy drowning in my own self pity at the news i will stay like this,lol.but that is now over and it is time to learn to appreciate all the stuff i do have again rather than concentrate on the stuff that is not to my likeing lol.as i said time to recognise that things could be worse and to start living up to my name.i have my gp on monday and she will be telling me what test they need to make etc to test me for lupus.the reason she is testing me is that i have two sisters one got diagnosed with lupus three years ago and my second sister also got dianosed as having lupus three weeks ago so my dr thinks i should also be tested now especially as people with anti phosphrate anzi body syndrome which i have often heve lupus as well.i am trying to be positive about this and hope and pray i donīt have this on top of all my other things but if i do i am thinking ,oh well i have lived with it so far so it shouldnīt make much differance to me and my life as it is now.having said that i havenīt really looked that much into the desease and my sisters donīt talk about it much.still fingers crossed i havenīt got it on top of all the other things.now that is out of the way ui am going to start a planb of action.

PLAN OF ACTION:

#start the day by being thankful and thanking the lord for all the good in my life
#start the day with at least 1 km hopefully 2km on the treadmill before waking up the kids
#eat a good breakfast no matter what
#remember to SMILE and use the power of a smile
#do a to do list and try and finish it but donīt stress when i donīt finish it.tomorrow is always another day god willing.
#try not to be too hard on myself and try to be my own best friend instead of my own worse enermy.
#try to sleep more
#even though i donīt think i can catch up on all the blogs here(sorry if i donīt get ropund to yours)try not to get even more behind.
#watch what i eat and find others ways to deal with my emotions than with food,lol.
#this is probably the hardest at the moment but ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM FAILURES IN ALL:

i want to thank you all for stopping by and reading this blog. emoticon
i want to thank all who reply to this blog emoticon
but most of all i want to thak you for your friendship and always being there for me when i have needed you.without you i wouled never have come as far as i have.for that i want to give you all a yellow rose of friendship emoticonand also my emoticon


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRAIRIECROCUS 6/25/2012 2:40PM

    I hope that you and your husband, and your sons will have a nice summer !
Take good care !
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KEIKOS_MUM 6/13/2012 6:06AM

    emoticon
i have only just read this because i have been away for a much needed break... hope you are feeling better soon .. you are always so kind in your comments and you deserve support as well in the rought times that happen, YOU can do this journey and are suceeding ... emoticon

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MOMS100 5/30/2012 12:10PM

    Glad you are back, Karen! I have a friend with Lupus, and am sponsering her in a walk to raise money for research. Please DO take care and don't be hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person!
Hugs,
Marie emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ABB698 5/30/2012 12:02AM

    Miss you and pray for you daily, friend! emoticon

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 5/29/2012 7:09AM

    Sweetie, you are always there in heart and spirit and everyone understands how life can get in the way and as others have said you put so many to shame in your presence when you have so much on your proverbial plate and life! Hugs and love! emoticon

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MICHELLENRGZED 5/29/2012 5:23AM

    That's a great plan of action you've set up for yourself. I'll be praying for you as you follow through with it.

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JUDITH1654 5/28/2012 10:11PM

    I've said it before but will say it again - you put the rest of us to shame in just the number of issues you deal with on a daily basis and STILL, you have always found the time to encourage each and everyone of us. I realize it's easier to be on the outside looking into your situation but we are all behind you 100% and instead of you apologizing to us, some of us probably should be doing the apologizing for possibly not being supportive enough for you. If any of us have let you down, please know we will be more on top of things as well regarding our support of all you go through on a daily basis. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AHMARROSE 5/28/2012 5:10PM

  welcome back
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-SONIA- 5/28/2012 6:50AM

    You have a great PLAN OF ACTION in place! I want to do the same after I move (and get settled in...)

I hope you're feeling better today!!
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THESILVERLADY 5/27/2012 11:24PM

    I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. You've certainly had a go of it my dear.

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DEE797 5/27/2012 4:53PM

    So good to see you posting again and glad you are moving forward on your journey. No matter what life throws at us, remember you are strong, you can do anything you set your mind too. emoticon emoticon

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POSITIVELY_EB 5/27/2012 2:44PM

    Oh, sweetie! You are doing marvelously! My hugs and prayers go out to you everyday!!!

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BLONDEMUSE1970 5/27/2012 11:58AM

    I'm really glad to see you back! emoticon I know all of this has to be hard to sort out in your head and even more difficult to digest in your heart, but you are taking all the right steps.

I had Bell's Palsy when I was 23 and some of the nerves in my face didn't come back either. I'm not comparing - I know it's not the same thing - but I did have to look at myself differently. I can only smile with my mouth closed. When I eat (if I am not very conscious of every bite) my face contorts into weird squinty-eyed faces, lol. My eyebrows are down lower then they used to be, etc. But I got used to looking at this "new me" - and eventually just didn't notice it as much.

You have a great attitude and gorgeous kids to make you keep on the healthy path.

Don't ever give up!!!

Sherry

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BIGPAWSUP 5/27/2012 10:15AM

    Sweetie, we understand. I hope you can pull yourself out of that dark place. I've been there and it's no fun. You have so much in your life - it is wonderful and difficult all at the same time.

Don't beat yourself up, we're still here. We still care. And above all, we can listen when others can't. I'm learning this is a great place to SHARE what is bringing you down. People here want to help.

So, good luck my friend and know we are here for you!

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MARLIZG 5/27/2012 9:09AM

    being depressed is so depressing...it feeds on itself & makes it worse...i am praying for you emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 5/27/2012 4:42AM

    Karen my dear dear friend .. no need to apoligise we understand ..
I can't imagine how hard it is for you, especially having three little men and a husband to look after as well as yourself .

You have a right to feel sorry for yourself .... so much has happened to you and to be honest I really don't know how you have coped ..
You my friend, are so very strong and caring .. and I love you dearly .. I am keeping you in my heart and thoughts and sending healing vibes to try and help you accept what has to be ...
Your list is amazing ..but love .. its baby steps, just one thing at a time .. one foot in front of the other each and every day will all add up..
Try not to set goals that are pushing you too much ..
Much love and Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANIHAKA 5/27/2012 4:34AM

    It sounds as though you're making all the right moves in a positive direction.
Take care and remember what you were taught that there are always better off and worse off than yourself.
Enjoy your week.

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PRAIRIECROCUS 5/27/2012 4:16AM

    Karen, It is wonderful to hear from you, again !
Please take good care of yourself !
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RAINBOWCHOC 5/27/2012 4:12AM

    holding you up at this time, may you have the grace to accept the new you and be at peace with the diagnosis. That doesn't mean I want you to give up, just not be fighting yourself as well as doing all you do.
Sending some love, hugs and a leek to make a nice cawl!!
Sandra

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MAMAWALMART 5/27/2012 2:11AM

    glad you are back on your journey

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