Saturday, May 26, 2012
Whether you believe you can or can't, you are right.
Whichever you decide, you or providence will provide.
Stumbling blocks come in different sizes, density or appearances. I have the power to make them grow or disappear in a twinkling of an eye.
In the past I have tripped over them, been pinned down by them, or walked right into them. I got banged up a bit or a lot depending how I defined them. I would get up, use it as an excuse to give into momentary pleasure in the form of a binge and not give it another thought. I would keep on going as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes a useful insight briefly appeared but since I did nothing with it, I soon forgot the experience. I was doomed to relive the experience over and over.
In reflection I believe my latest stumbling block was an illusion that I created. It all started with a thought -- poor me. Poor me, I can't do this or I can't do that. After a couple of days of poor me, my tear level started rising and a tear or two would spill over now and then. By this time my emotional pain level was rising. I kept this up and a day or two later recognized I had slipped into a low grade depression. Now my anxiety level was also noticeable. I wanted to get rid of this big cloud of stress which I had created. I had created emotional hunger and I wanted immediate relief. I wanted to eat something. Of course this would not be helpful and I would end up eating more until I was stuffed (I would binge). Food would do nothing for my emotional pain, but I would keep feeding it like if it was a pet. Eventually the pain would recede but I would now be back to eating whenever and whatever I wanted as I still needed comfort.
I could of stopped this process at anytime. The sooner would have been the better.
Because of a very weak heart I am limited in what I can physically do. Because my latest blood test showed I might be going in the direction of being diabetic I really want to lose weight. So when I came face to face with wanting to binge -- I took a stand. I processed my feelings by writing and reading instead of eating.
Stress, anxiety and depression can be very draining. When one is weak to begin with, stress drains what little strength one has. When I would go through this, I attributed that I overdid it and had physically tired myself. I believed there was nothing I could do about it except rest and try to pace myself better. It has been very frusterating because I knew that I was already pacing myself. There was nothing I could do about it except more rest -- I was a victim.
Not any more! I am a survivor and now need to work on being aware of any negative thinking so I can nip it in the bud. I am physically stronger than I thought if I am careful not to waste any of my energy on negative thinking. This experience has been very liberating.