Yes, I'm fighting depression again. Yes I've been barely checking in with Spark for well over a year. Part of it is a lack of time and part is that, what little time is afforded me, I manage badly.
Part is also that I feel like I spend every minute of my blogs complaining. I have become a very negative person over the past 10 years or so. I've become bland, boring and negative in a lot of ways.
The reason for the current depression is a bit of that bad time management and a bit of everything happening at once and a bit of that "everything" being emotionally loaded stuff this time.
Tomorrow my daughter graduates high school. Not only has that meant frantic Mom's Taxi duties ever since I finished my semester as a student teacher last week (WOW was that really only last week!?) but the fact that it is my child graduating high school makes it an emotional thing. Add in the usual - bad communication and time management means the announcements didn't go out as soon as they could have, the tickets weren't even GIVEN to us until Tuesday of this week (even though our guests can't get in without them), and some people who would have liked to be there won't be able to make it. Add in that a friend's child is graduating with her B.A. the next morning and there's no way my daughter would be in any condition to enjoy it even if she didn't have a sinus infection (yup, graduating on antibiotics...fun).
Okay. We are also planning our annual big family camping trip. It's the first one without Pop. My brother-in-law barely communicates with the family. His wife has stated (apparently because of the way Pop set up his trust and the fact that the trustees are handling it as he planned it) that she hates both my husband and his nephew. Yeah. Not seeing those coming with us willingly even if they ever bother to get in contact. And the other nephew (the brother-in-law's other son) has chosen to back out of being his brother/best friend's best man at his wedding in July for similar reasons.
No real planning has been done for the camping trip. My husband keeps saying, "We have time" even though we are supposed to be leaving in a little over two weeks, don't know who is going, where we are going, what we're going to eat or anything else! He finally got to the point of looking for campsites this week. He sent me a dozen links to sites with maps and amenities list. I sent him similar back. He looked through for about 5 minutes then decided he needed a physical in-his-hands type of map. I got sent to downtown Sacramento - those of you who know me know I passionately HATE the maze of one way streets - to get him a freaking map. He said a fervent thank you but hasn't looked at it. His knee jerk reaction is to get up north to our Red Bluff home (he inherited Pop's house) to get prepping this weekend - as in pick up the child at 5 am from her sober grad and go straight up. It's a three hour drive. What worries me is that my mother is coming down from that area tomorrow for the graduation and he made this decision apparently oblivious to the fact that it effectively makes my mom expected to do a one-day turnaround trip when she had made arrangements for the weekend down here.
Let's see...I'm also matron of honor for my best friend's wedding. It's not until October but some planning has to be done now. I feel like I'm doing so little of what I agreed to do by taking on that title! Her other close friends are doing most of the bridal shower arrangements. I haven't gotten reservations set up for the bachelorette. We're wanting to do a limo to go dancing in San Francisco. It is so out of my realm and, in spite of the fact that it's probably financially feasible at the moment, I flinch at the numbers the websites tell me those types of things cost. Don't get me wrong, she's SO INCREDIBLY worth it and I will get it done but I only this week started getting quotes. I wish I lived close enough that I could just pop over for the day and do the fun kind of Bridal Shower planning I'd like to do. The best I could do so far is come up with a nice idea for the cake and volunteer for some of the foods/supplies. :( I feel like this is supposed to be a gift I'm giving to one of the most amazing ladies in my life and I'm not giving much more than a (figurative) bow and some wrapping paper. Her other friends and sisters are making sure she is getting a wonderful experience and trying so hard to not let me feel guilty about what little I'm contributing but it still feels like I'm slacking.
I'm also supposed to be singing in my nephew's wedding in July. That's not a major stressor since the music is familiar (although I hope she's able to get the sheet music for the Ave Maria as soon as possible - it's been years since I last sang that one and, with so much else going on....) but it will be my first trip that far out of California in my 37 years on the planet and Elsa's first plane ride.
She will be making that ride with metal in her mouth. Yup. 7 years old and she'll already have braces on. Flipping swell. I had to schedule that somewhere in between the graduation, the spare child's graduation (that extra child that live in your house as much as their own - parents, you know the one), having the older one's wisdom teeth removed when she doesn't even have a local dentist at the moment, the camping trip, the 10,000 mile check up on the car I just got in November...etc. I am LOUSY at time management and organization! I know from experience not to ask God for patience (I know he gives it to you by testing what you have) so I didn't ask him for help with these things!
Humor aside, when things pile up like this I tend to take refuge in a funk. This funk tends to make me lethargic which, of course, makes this PARTICULAR cycle worse.
Okay. Off to pick up the teenage zombie (first day on antibiotics for a sinus infection that has her unable to sit up without getting dizzy at points) from the graduation practice she couldn't make it through.
Life goes on.