Thursday, May 24, 2012
Since I've started this journey at the end of March I've been pretty motivated and focused. Even when I've had food days way outside my range, I haven't beat myself up or told myself that I shouldn't even BOTHER trying to lose weight, and that one or five heavy meals doesn't mean I've failed and should quit.
It seems like the last few days I've completely forgotten who I was and what I'm doing. I'm still tracking my food, I'm still making mostly healthy choices, but I haven't exercised in days and days. I hate not racking up those fitness points. But it's almost like I'm not engaged in the process and I'm just kind of floating above my own body as I go through the motions.
It's not just my Aunt dying, and it's not just Shark Week (although that's always a factor, and I keep forgetting that when I get to the placebo row my mood tends to plummet)...I'm just disconnected and in a funk. I've been watching too much TV and not spending enough time up in my studio making pretty things. After last week's victory of no take-out and good home cooked food, we had take out twice this week and we're going out to dinner tonight for Tyler's 18th birthday. It scares me that I can be so motivated and on point one day and a few days later act like I've never pledged to make healthy choices to live a healthy lifestyle. What's worse is that I've been feeling kind of apathetic about the fact that I'm "slipping".
HOWEVER...I am AWARE of what's going on, and I have the power to turn this thing around at any time. So why not right now?
I am having strong and dark feelings - I am trying to avoid how I feel because I am an addict and my default setting is denial and running away. What I need to do is GET REALLY REAL and settle down into the truth and not be afraid of my pain and vulnerability. It's the running away that makes me crazy, not the actual truth of the pain. When I allow myself to just sit down and feel it, it might hurt, yes, but I feel truly alive because I am not denying the truth and I am giving myself the gift of being present with myself while processing what it is I'm feeling. I am feeling deeply sad and fearful, I am feeling a some shame and self-recrimination about slacking with myself since one of my new mottos has been "Success is when you don't let yourself down." I am sad that I've let myself down a little. I am feeling melancholy about my boys getting older and while I'm thrilled that Tyler is going to UConn in the Fall, I'm also really going to miss him and I'm sad about the fact that all of this is happening so fast. Heck, they've both grown up so fast and I almost want life to slow down a little because they were little boys in a blink of an eye they're young men. Soon they'll be gone and while that's normal and natural I still want some of this FAMILY STUFF. And there's the tears. That's what I'm running from. I have to accept life on life's terms and open my hands and let go of the boys and let them be young men and embrace the new directions our family is taking, but it's hard.
I mean, you all didn't know me 17 years ago, but I used to be this really messed up borderline dirtbag in New York City, out all night, being wild and selfish and totally self-destructive. Back then my wildest dream was to die before I turned 30. I never imagined in a million years that I'd ever have a family - even a semi-non-traditional one like mine. As a stepmom, I only met these boys 10 years ago, so this has gone by even faster for me than if I had been the one to bring them into the world. I know each stage of life has it's blessings and challenges, and whatever comes next, I will be sad to see that go too, I'm sure. I like to hold on to EVERYTHING.
What really matters to me is the connections I have to other people in my life - my family, my family of origin, my friends - and if I am going to be around for these "life chapters" or whatever you want to call them, then I need to recommit myself to taking the best care of myself that I can. Laying around might feel okay in the moment, but it's not taking the best care of myself.
So I'm gonna do it the way its laid out in the Spark. 10 minutes a day no matter what, even if it's "just walking" or my 10 minute hip hop dance video. Adding more servings of freggies until I hit 5-7 servings a day. Blogging more. Re-reading my goals and positive messages. Being honest when I'm struggling and asking my SparkPeeps for help if I need it.
I also just received the SparkPeople Cookbook in the mail yesterday -- bought it for myself as a birthday present with the money Randy's mom gave me (my birthday isn't until next week, but she gave me my card the same time she gave us Tyler's card for his birthday today). I LOVE this cookbook already - full of such great information, I'm going to try to plan my meals next week with at least three new recipes from the book.
I know I rambled, but thanks for "listening" as I worked it out, I knew if I just sat down I'd get to the bottom of this weirdness. Yes, I'm sad, but I'm also grateful and I'm feeling positive about forging forward and I'm glad that Sparkpeople is here to give me a place to be accountable and for all the AMAZING support.