Thursday, May 24, 2012
Last night i had a dream that i was on a game show. the game show host asked me to quote the 100 psalm. in my dream i began to quote the psalm...when I woke up I looked it up. it was a psalm of thanksgiving.
1 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
5 For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.
Lord, am i not thankful????....IT IS HE WHO HAS MADE US AND NOT WE OURSELVES.....IMMEDIATELY my thoughts turn to what i view as my inadequacies...my nose is big, my teeth need work, my eyes bulge out, my butt is flat, my stomach sticks out, i have no waistline...i am sort of built like spongebob squarepants....i asked myself even if i lost weight would i be satisfied with me. As im having this exchange within myself i realize how offended God must be. i also realize these thoughts have been the soundtrack of my life. no wonder ive been chronically depressed all these years and have felt so bad about myself. i suffer from extreme self hatred. ive compared myself and my looks to other women. ive grown more and more dissatified with how i look. i once wanted weight loss surgery, i thought about a nose job just yesterday. ive got moles on my face that i think make me look like a witch. in my marriage i was cheated on over and over and over. i believed if i was built like the women he cheated with he would not do me that way. i was led to turn to psalm 139.
New Living Translation (NLT)
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life
He created me and i dont like what he put together. I have body image issues. Now, Im actively, consciously working on loving me. When i was a young woman i often thought guys would be different towards me if i looked a certain way. i hated taking pictures. as a matter of fact my mom still has whole packages of pictures i never gave away because i hated how i looked. she put them in her picture drawer and has never taken them out. ive been married for thirteen years and have not yet had a family photo made. i took a few pitures the other day to put on fb. i only posted one. my friends all comented on how beautiful i am. how sexy i am....i just dont see it. HELP ME, LORD!!!
BODY ENVY is an idolatrous thought ive carried throughout my life. Ive worship body image MORE than ive worshipped Father. can i be honest here. ive wanted to look like a stripper. ive wanted to take body parts from those i admire and build myself over....yeah, i know...:(
I repent to God for being so ungrateful. i repent for the times i was so envious of other woman and did things to hurt them out of jealousy. i was competitive....i did alot of boyfriend stealing back in the day. i made a lot of enemies. some of these women still hate me and ive been saved for over 14 years. these deeds still follow me. i feel like this is something God wanted to show me before my weight loss efforts were successful so that i didnt lose weight and then backslide to hell in promiscuity. i have been an ugly person on the inside over what i saw as ugly on the outside. i am thankful that God has shown me my heart and is allowing me space to get it right.
Do you suffer from "body envy?"