Falter and Focus

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I was so motivated. I was kicking ass. I felt so good and for the first time in a long time I felt in control. My insomnia was gone. I was happy. I wasn't being the raging bitch I had been for so long. I felt like me again after years of not recognizing myself. I wasn't spending the day on the couch staring mindlessly at the tv or sleeping. I didn't exactly love myself, but I was really starting to like myself. I was social, no longer filled with the need to be a hermit. I even called my mom just to talk, not something I do. (not the best relationship) For three weeks straight I was doing so well. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. The exercise, the happiness, the healthy eating, the water (so much water). I was so proud and was on my was to Habit-Land. Then something changed..........

The last week has been difficult. I feel as though I am fighting a bloody war with the old me. I wish I knew who was going to win. I hope the new me pulverizes the old me. I am so afraid to go back. Back to hating myself, being angry and depressed, pushing everyone away, letting myself go, being a waste. I haven't been this happy carefree person in years, I need more time. More than three weeks. I have to win.

So, I refocus. I make myself walk. I make myself smile. I make myself be nice. It's hard and feels fake. I guess the same people who say 21 days until something becomes habit also say fake it til' you make it. So that is what I will do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have been where you are... I'm still there some days. Keep on the path, push through. Persevere, and let the people around you support you. Sometimes our mind, our habits, our stubbornness get the best of us. No need to be fake~ the right people will love you, and accept you, for all that you are. emoticon
    2124 days ago
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