Thursday, May 24, 2012
I was so motivated. I was kicking ass. I felt so good and for the first time in a long time I felt in control. My insomnia was gone. I was happy. I wasn't being the raging bitch I had been for so long. I felt like me again after years of not recognizing myself. I wasn't spending the day on the couch staring mindlessly at the tv or sleeping. I didn't exactly love myself, but I was really starting to like myself. I was social, no longer filled with the need to be a hermit. I even called my mom just to talk, not something I do. (not the best relationship) For three weeks straight I was doing so well. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. The exercise, the happiness, the healthy eating, the water (so much water). I was so proud and was on my was to Habit-Land. Then something changed..........
The last week has been difficult. I feel as though I am fighting a bloody war with the old me. I wish I knew who was going to win. I hope the new me pulverizes the old me. I am so afraid to go back. Back to hating myself, being angry and depressed, pushing everyone away, letting myself go, being a waste. I haven't been this happy carefree person in years, I need more time. More than three weeks. I have to win.
So, I refocus. I make myself walk. I make myself smile. I make myself be nice. It's hard and feels fake. I guess the same people who say 21 days until something becomes habit also say fake it til' you make it. So that is what I will do.