So, my friends... if you’re thinking that this is one of my happy, peppy blogs, just stop right here. I’ve been struggling these past 2 weeks, have had a lot on my mind and I just need to get it out there to move on. But, as many of my friends here know. I usually end up on a positive note anyway.
I’ve reached one of those points were I just feel as if I’m caught in the midst of a maelstrom with no way out. I’ve burned the candle at both ends for too long and my stress has reached an all time high.
It all started when one of my coworkers – who I thought was a friend – went to my supervisor (I’m a contractor so I don’t work directly for the PI in my program) with something he thought was a problem based on his perception. As it turns out, his perception was wrong. So he basically went behind my back and caused a problem for me when he was wrong. Had he just come to me, I would have told/showed him. I’ve known him for 6 years. I was floored and have never felt so… I can’t even come up with a good word. Ugh! I will never trust this person again, nor will I ever feel comfortable working with him again. I can’t understand why he did this and it’s been really stressing me out. Since then, I’ve had conversations with my supervisor as well as the PI of the program I work in and both of them are fine. But this guy…
On top of that, my cataract is progressing faster than expected. I am in near constant pain from straining to read and see. I just saw my optometrist and she said if she didn’t know I was already being seen by a specialist for my other eye issue, she’d recommend one for surgery now. I’m seeing him in 4 months. The strain on my eyes has caused my prescription to change again just adding to the difficulty seeing and the amount of strain. Like I said, near constant pain and scowl. It’s very frustrating to me more than anything and I’m scared to death about surgery.
To add in some more, we just found out that my DD’s coach is being made to feel uncomfortable at the gym and is considering leaving. I’ve watched my DD gain so much focus and confidence since joining the team. This is killing me. All the team parents are working together to try and get this resolved. It basically boils down to one kids parents ruining the whole team – a team of 20 other kids. It just plain sucks.
So, I let all of this just build. It’s my MO. I’ve reached that not sleeping well, teeth grinding, stomach upset, tension everywhere point. I’ve stopped tracking my food, my workouts are inconsistent. I’m so tired, I just don’t feel like working out at all. I haven’t started bingeing; but I’m also not fueling my body properly. I feel yucky and exhausted. I can’t even think straight. It’s ridiculous.
Then my mind starts reminding me that I’m supposed to be a leader for our challenge team. I’ve always been one to lead by example. I won’t ask someone to do something that I wouldn’t do. I want to be supportive, I want to be motivational, I want to inspire. I don’t’ want to be leading in the wrong direction. I also feel like I’m losing touch with some of my very first and most inspirational friends. Friends that I’ve been in contact with since I’ve started. You guys got me going in the right direction and kept me motivated. I know some of you are facing struggles too; but somehow I can’t help but feel like I’m letting people down.
I realize that I need to stop the mental frenzy. I can’t control what other people do. All I can do is control how I react and my actions going forward. I may never understand the “why” of some of this; but I need to let that go. What has happened has happened and I can't change it. I need to just move forward. For my own health. One of my Spark friends is currently writing a series of blogs about finding the Holy Grail of weight loss. He’s a HUGE inspiration for me and his words ring so true. His most recent part of the series was about negative self-talk ( www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
). Yeah… queen of that here.
So, I’m trying to get my head out of my tush. Organize my thoughts and just plain let go. One step I took today was to get back to what worked for me before… I started off my after work evening with Coach Nicole’s 80’s Cardio workout (one of my favorites), followed by time with my Wii Fit. I always cool down with a snowball fight. There’s nothing like knocking the heads off a few snowmen for therapy… LOL! Is that wrong of me to enjoy it??
You know what though? I feel so much better now. I just love Coach Nicole. I love her short, high impact workouts. My brain has been on one of those down talk moments – where I was beating myself up for not getting in “good” workouts. Well, Coach Nicole… thank you for your awesome workouts which I can fit into the windows of time I have… and they feel great! Now, hopefully I’ll have a good nights rest. Sorry for my rambling; but sometimes it helps me get my thoughts together. Let’s see what tomorrow brings… I’m ready!