Tuesday, May 22, 2012
So things are pretty tight for me this month. The 2 short term/extra income jobs I thought I had lined up this month and was counting on never materialized. Needless to say the larder is pretty bare since this is about the fourth month in a row that I haven't been able to buy more then the basics and replenish the emergency stores. Don't get my wrong, I wont starve before the end of the month, I really don't eat that much now as I did in the passed, but I have recently noticed that when my "emergency" food (canned beans, tuna, condensed soup, frozen veg, etc) start to really disappear I get very anxious/ uncomfortable. I have trouble relaxing and I notice I often tend to have anxiety dreams when it gets this empty.
I don't remember ever going hungry as a child, it's not like I lived through a famine. Sure meals where pretty inconsistent and my parents almost never cooked but I don't remember going hungry. Although I do seem to have repressed a significant amount of the time around when my mom and dad where braking up....
So where exactly is this anxiety coming from? Is it just about the fact that it means I'm broke? Lack of money causes it's own worry. Is it that I've run out of my favorite things? Is it something deeper? A loss of control of my habitat? I'm very protective of my personal space I get nervous when people I don't really trust come into my little home (needless to say I don't entertain much.
). Is that it? Is it just that I feel unprepared?
Even though I *know* I'm not going to go hungry and that there is enough food to last even if my check comes late next month, I can still feel the tension rising in my body when I think about the state of the cupboards, I feel my heartbeat increase and the muscles of my neck and shoulders tense, I feel like a turtle trying to pull it's head back into it's shell. And I'm restless, I can't really get out as much when I'm broke (there are free entertainment things going on in the summer so it's not as bad now). I find myself pacing around feeling trapped. Part of it is the lack of financial security I know, but part of it is definitely the food situation for sure.
Does anyone else fell like this or am I just that screwed up?