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    HEIDI_177   8,847
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A Kick in the Arse...


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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Almost 2 years ago to the day, I had an epiphany....I broke through a barrier and took myself to a new mental level on this journey. I find it ironic that this was also the last time that I blogged on SP.

Anyway, back to that day...May 27, 2010
I was struggling with lack of motivation. I knew what I wanted but just couldn't put what was in my head into action. I shared a few of my struggles privately with some SP friends, but I still shrugged the idea of really letting even my closest friends in. See there was a problem, I thought I had to be perfect (fat, but perfect). And guess what? I'm not perfect. Do you know how much fear there is wrapped up in letting people you care about see that you don't have it all together all the time? Yeah, I think most of us do.

See the thing is, I'm a GREAT cheerleader! I love to tell others how great they are and how they're rockin' this whole weight loss thing. Yet privately I tear myself down. Even in my successes, I tell myself it's not enough...never enough. It's a bizarre thing that I can't explain. How can I be MORE comfortable shooting myself down and committing to failure than acknowledging even the slightest success? Why do I spiral out of control over and over and over again? Why do I give up?

On that day for the first time really ever, I put my struggle out there while I was stuck in a really bad place. At that time I belonged to a private weightloss challenge group (Silver Comets) and given the "safety" of my private group, I reached out for help. I was honest about where I was at that moment. When I reached out a very amazing thing happened, someone reached back, accepted me, pulled me back up and challenged me to keep going. Now we all experience the support of friends on here, that is the beauty of belonging to SP. This particular day was different because it was a turning point for me mentally.

On that day a team mate and friend Amy ("99Sporty" aka "Sporty Spice') came along beside me and picked me up, dusted me off and pushed me back where I needed to be. Thinking back on it... I thanked her for her help that day, but I'm not sure she ever really grasped the impact she had on me.

Since that day I've not done anything earth shattering as far as weight loss goes, but for the first time EVER I have not gained back the weight that I've lost. I've managed to shave off bits and bits while trying to come to terms with the idea that I deserve something better and that I can be successful and I don't have to be perfect.

In the time since that day, I've learned a lot about myself. I've also gained some AMAZING friends through SP. Today I sit here and write this blog basically for the same reason that I did 2 years ago, because someone came along, inspired me and gave me a kick in the "arse" only this time she didn't do it on purpose.

As a friend fought the biggest battle of her life, I could offer no more than words and prayers. It was the most helpless feeling in the world. In recent weeks her health began to fail, communication slowed and it was the most helpless feeling in the world. In recent days others spoke on her behalf and it was the most helpless feeling in the world. Saturday I learned that the night before she'd left this earth forever and THAT WAS THE MOST HELPLESS FEELING IN THE WORLD!

It's taken some time to process and still none of it makes sense, but there is one thing I know. Amy fought with all of her might for just a shot at living. She gave it everything she had when others would have thrown in the towel and said "enough". She encouraged us to live our lives to the fullest. She motivated us to reach for more. She inspired us to not give up.

In the past few days I have learned something from her. I have learned that I am not helpless. I have my life. I can choose how to live it. I can choose how to enjoy it. I can choose whether or not to fight for it. Amy's choice to live was taken from her, how could I dishonor the friendship she so freely gave to me by not choosing live the best life that I can?

Thank you Sporty for the friendship and inspiration. You will NEVER be forgotten!

In memory
Amy S. Covert "99 Sporty"
February 21, 1970 ~ May 18, 2012
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIDOSHA 10/27/2012 4:49PM

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SRHALLIN 6/7/2012 12:09AM

    My heart goes out to you - and the entire SparkPeople Community - for the loss of 99Sporty. I have always thought that the term "Spark" People was very apt for the people whom I have met here. Each of us is able to "Spark" the fire of another's potential with one kind and encouraging word or another.

Perhaps we fail to encourage ourselves at times, but there is always that one special "Spark" Person who manages to come into our lives and light the fires we didn't know lay within ourselves.

If Amy is remembered for nothing more than her inner fire and allowing its warmth to nourish your own inner light - she certainly lived a life worth remembering and admiring for many years to come.

Hold her memory - and the gifts and lessons she imparted to you - close to your heart, and you'll be amazed at how successfully you're able to complete your journey to good health and personal happiness.

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IBSFOSTER 5/31/2012 9:02PM

  Thank you for sharing this moment, this loss, and what you drew from it.

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MANILUS 5/30/2012 6:42PM

    Amy was one of those people that makes this world a better place, I am so happy that she inspired you before passing. At least she showed you something about yourself before going. You CAN do it, keep going!!

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C_DWEBB 5/29/2012 8:05PM

    what a great tribute

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GRANDMA_SANDY48 5/26/2012 12:11AM

    Sorry for your loss. So glad she inspired you. You can do it.

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BAREFOOTMTNGIRL 5/25/2012 9:37PM

    I sounds like she left her mark on the world and I hope you find some comfort in the way she touched the lives of those around her.

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ONEATATIME3 5/25/2012 3:39PM

  Sorry for your loss emoticon
friends are like sisters, some times more than a sister! And I am sure she wants you to go on doing what is good for you so do it for her. emoticon
May she rest in peace. emoticon

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LUCINDARW 5/25/2012 11:40AM

    I'm very sorry for your lose Amy sounds like she was a wonderful person and friend. Thank you for the encouraging words. Lucinda emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEBLYNN323 5/25/2012 8:53AM

    emoticon ...nice tribute and words of wisdom.

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PENOWOK 5/25/2012 6:22AM

    She was too young but she left a wonderful legacy!

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VANHALENFAN 5/24/2012 11:00PM

    I'm sorry to hear about the loss of Amy. Thank you for writing this tribute ~ I am sure she is looking down and smiling, glad to have been a helping hand to you while she was on this great Earth. emoticon

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CM_GARDNER78 5/24/2012 10:54PM

    Oh no....I am so sorry for your loss!! What a beautiful tribute to your friend! ((((HUGS))))

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SADOLDGRAY 5/24/2012 10:48PM

    My prayers are with you and her family including her SP family. I am sure she is smiling down from Heaven going "yes! She finally understands. She's got it! ( as she knew you did all along.) thanks for sharing this tribute. And keep up the good work.

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CHANGING-TURTLE 5/24/2012 10:48PM

    emoticon you inspire me to keep going emoticon
Sorry for your loss

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SERASARA 5/24/2012 8:49PM

  emoticon emoticon

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DUKEFAN86 5/24/2012 8:42PM

    So sorry to hear about your friend, but I really enjoyed hearing about what you've learned from her. What a nice way to honor her!

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CLOVER2 5/24/2012 8:23PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Isn't it amazing how our friends here can be so much help, even when we don't get to keep them. I'm sure Amy is watching right now and telling you still emoticon !
Thank you for sharing.

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CATTMINDY 5/24/2012 8:22PM

  i am so sorry for you loss. thank you for sharing a little of your precious friend with us. thank you for inspiring me.

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TRGIRL78 5/24/2012 8:01PM

    emoticon

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HIGHNOON 5/24/2012 7:28PM

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emoticon

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MOUNTAINGIRL41 5/24/2012 6:51PM

  So sorry for the loss of your friend. What a nice tribute.

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GRANDMABABA 5/24/2012 5:03PM

    Blessings for you and for Amy's family at this sad time of such great loss.

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SGOODRICHTX3221 5/24/2012 4:12PM

    Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing and inspiring.

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PETESKI24 5/24/2012 4:06PM

    Inspirational

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SHARBEAR100 5/24/2012 3:11PM

    Wow - thank you for that reminder. You said that so well. I'm sorry for your loss. emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/24/2012 3:11:34 PM

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LULU3561 5/24/2012 2:51PM

    What an inspiration I am sure she is smiling down at you everday. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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SHERMOR13 5/24/2012 2:38PM

    Thank you for honoring the life of your friend. Those we love and value remain very much a part of our lives and often their inspiration lives on through us. You have given a great tribute to your friend Amy.

And congrats on your own personal realizations. Isn't attempting to be perfect harsh and grueling work? Just being the best YOU is enough. Good luck on your journey!

Sherli

Comment edited on: 5/24/2012 2:39:40 PM

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KATHIES518 5/24/2012 1:30PM

    Thank you for sharing this - she will inspire us all through you

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MDOYLEMA 5/24/2012 1:10PM

    Wonderful! Thank you.

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PEGGY11 5/24/2012 12:52PM

   

When you think about it, if we were faced with Amy's problem we would probably fight hard too, but we don't realise that though our bodies have let us get away with it so far, we could end up with a problem that would take a bigger fight than our weight loss. So we better fight hard for that weight loss so we don't end up with a bigger fight on our hands.
Thank you for your motivating blog. emoticon

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COCHESE321 5/24/2012 12:33PM

    There is no more debilitating fear than the fear of hope. What a wonderful tribute to a friend.

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BARBBCOTTON 5/24/2012 10:42AM

    I send my thoughts and prayers to you and Amy's family. Thanks for writing your blog. She definitely will always be with you.

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MOM2FAT1 5/24/2012 10:04AM

    Hi Heidi,
I am so sorry to hear about Amy.

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KARIDIAN1 5/24/2012 9:37AM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your friendship with Sporty. She will always touch your heart and be in your thoughts.

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HONEYPOT319 5/24/2012 7:06AM

    May Amy rest in peace knowing how she has touched your life! Great blog! :)

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MSTAPLE1 5/24/2012 7:04AM

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CRINKLYMONKEY 5/24/2012 6:25AM

    I think that you your friend would be very happy to know that she meant so much to you. This is a very special way to remember her. Thank you for sharing.
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AMSPARKER 5/24/2012 5:59AM

    Beautiful.

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NIZZZY 5/24/2012 5:12AM

    what a wonderfully beautiful way to honour your friend emoticon

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RAFASBABE 5/23/2012 10:02PM

    Oh Heidi ,Sporty will always be in your heart emoticon

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MARYJEANSL 5/23/2012 9:43PM

  Your beautiful friendship will last forever, as she will always be alive in your heart. Thank you for your story.

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PCASEY7 5/23/2012 9:01PM

    Thanks for your blog and my condolences. Best of luck on your journey of discovery.

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MYSTERY-LADY1 5/23/2012 8:07PM

    emoticon

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SHOAPIE 5/23/2012 5:33PM

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CINDYSDAY 5/23/2012 4:53PM

    Thank you for your honsesty. I can understand exactly what you are saying about being everyone cheerleader but your own.

Take care!

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BLUE42DOWN 5/23/2012 2:38PM

    emoticon

What a beautiful remembrance of her.

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LIVELYGIRL2 5/23/2012 2:24PM

  Your blog was very moving. I think others that read it will agree.

I can relate about your feeling of connection with your friend. Last summer, my friend passed away from cancer. She was younger than me. She was of the few people that I didn't know very long, that I felt close to.

She most of been a beautiful person.

Although no one will ever replace this sweet lady; I encourage you to find other loving and friendly spark members.

I also appreciated the other topics you shared on this blog. I think you expressed some of what others have experienced or felt.

Please, stay involved, and continue to walk toward your goals. emoticon

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JUSGETTENBY42 5/23/2012 1:25PM

    emoticon

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JIBBIE49 5/23/2012 1:20PM

    emoticon Wonderful to see you featured in the Spark Mail. What an honor. You certainly are a inspiration to others. emoticon

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