A Kick in the Arse...
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Almost 2 years ago to the day, I had an epiphany....I broke through a barrier and took myself to a new mental level on this journey. I find it ironic that this was also the last time that I blogged on SP.
Anyway, back to that day...May 27, 2010
I was struggling with lack of motivation. I knew what I wanted but just couldn't put what was in my head into action. I shared a few of my struggles privately with some SP friends, but I still shrugged the idea of really letting even my closest friends in. See there was a problem, I thought I had to be perfect (fat, but perfect). And guess what? I'm not perfect. Do you know how much fear there is wrapped up in letting people you care about see that you don't have it all together all the time? Yeah, I think most of us do.
See the thing is, I'm a GREAT cheerleader! I love to tell others how great they are and how they're rockin' this whole weight loss thing. Yet privately I tear myself down. Even in my successes, I tell myself it's not enough...never enough. It's a bizarre thing that I can't explain. How can I be MORE comfortable shooting myself down and committing to failure than acknowledging even the slightest success? Why do I spiral out of control over and over and over again? Why do I give up?
On that day for the first time really ever, I put my struggle out there while I was stuck in a really bad place. At that time I belonged to a private weightloss challenge group (Silver Comets) and given the "safety" of my private group, I reached out for help. I was honest about where I was at that moment. When I reached out a very amazing thing happened, someone reached back, accepted me, pulled me back up and challenged me to keep going. Now we all experience the support of friends on here, that is the beauty of belonging to SP. This particular day was different because it was a turning point for me mentally.
On that day a team mate and friend Amy ("99Sporty" aka "Sporty Spice') came along beside me and picked me up, dusted me off and pushed me back where I needed to be. Thinking back on it... I thanked her for her help that day, but I'm not sure she ever really grasped the impact she had on me.
Since that day I've not done anything earth shattering as far as weight loss goes, but for the first time EVER I have not gained back the weight that I've lost. I've managed to shave off bits and bits while trying to come to terms with the idea that I deserve something better and that I can be successful and I don't have to be perfect.
In the time since that day, I've learned a lot about myself. I've also gained some AMAZING friends through SP. Today I sit here and write this blog basically for the same reason that I did 2 years ago, because someone came along, inspired me and gave me a kick in the "arse" only this time she didn't do it on purpose.
As a friend fought the biggest battle of her life, I could offer no more than words and prayers. It was the most helpless feeling in the world. In recent weeks her health began to fail, communication slowed and it was the most helpless feeling in the world. In recent days others spoke on her behalf and it was the most helpless feeling in the world. Saturday I learned that the night before she'd left this earth forever and THAT WAS THE MOST HELPLESS FEELING IN THE WORLD!
It's taken some time to process and still none of it makes sense, but there is one thing I know. Amy fought with all of her might for just a shot at living. She gave it everything she had when others would have thrown in the towel and said "enough". She encouraged us to live our lives to the fullest. She motivated us to reach for more. She inspired us to not give up.
In the past few days I have learned something from her. I have learned that I am not helpless. I have my life. I can choose how to live it. I can choose how to enjoy it. I can choose whether or not to fight for it. Amy's choice to live was taken from her, how could I dishonor the friendship she so freely gave to me by not choosing live the best life that I can?
Thank you Sporty for the friendship and inspiration. You will NEVER be forgotten!
Amy S. Covert "99 Sporty"
February 21, 1970 ~ May 18, 2012