The weather is glorious. Long days, sunshine and endless outdoor-activitie-opportunitie
s. Everything's dazzingly green, the colours of the flowers are a sparkling white, yellow and purple. Whenever I drive through the countryside in my car, I get the urge to stop anywhere just to gather some wild flowers. I've got loads of time and spend it biking to town, taking a walk or visiting an open-air-Farmhouse Museum.
And still, I'm getting a little depressed. Damn weight loss thing!
I was so happy to be finally on my way. I've lost 3.5 kilos and was actually nearing my first small goal, losing 10 pounds, hitting 95 kg. And now? Now I can't stop gaining weight. I'm still tracking food, still more or less trying to eat less, including more exercise into my weekly routine. And yet... I'm gaining weight.
And because I'm angry and disappointed at my body for gaining weight while I deny myself things (or the quantities of sweets) I want, and am trying so hard, I'm getting the weight loss blues. And because I get the blues, exercise is far less fun, and tracking gets harder every day.
I catch myself thinking "Just this little bit, that barely counts" Well it DOES! Or "I really don't have to track that, those 30 kcal are not worth the effort" But they ARE! So I'm spinning in a downward spiral of being unmotivated and angry at my body at the same time. And then, being depressed, what's better than chocolate, right?
Sometimes I tell myself, that I'm going to stick through this, I'll keep on doing this, and if it takes me 3 years to lose the weight I want to. But then I think, it's just not fair! My friends eat whatever they like and whenever they feel like it and still don't gain weight at all. If they don't find the time to eat or aren't hungry for one or two days, they immediately lose a kilo. And me? I gain weight by keeping a diet! It IS frustrating.
I seem to always be circling around the 100 kg. It's like my body, although I'm just trying to become healthier and more agile by losing weight, LIKES those 100 kgs and is desperately trying, against all my efforts, to get back to them. Today, when I stepped onto the scale, it actually showed 98.5 kg! I've been down to 96 once. Do you have any idea, how long it took me to get rid of those 2.5 kg that are lying in between? More than 2 months or increased exercise, faithful tracking and skimping and saving... and it took me barely 2 weeks to regain them.
So, what am I to say... I guess I'll just keep on doing what I do, but honestly, sometimes I don't see the point anymore, Sometimes I just want to quit and let my body win...
And on top of my mental frustration, I don't feel well, either.. I feel heavy, unflexible, lazy and simply, I don't know... old. If you know what i mean. I mean, I know, I'm just twenty, but I don't feel that way. It takes me "ages" to climb my stairs and I simply don't feel as light and healthy as I felt two or three weeks ago. My self-confidence is gone, too.
I feel full all the time, like I always ate too much, and still I'm always hungry, however much and often I eat. Is awful.